AND I'M TAKING MY SONG TO THE GRAVE

NPR SATURDAY

At least the closest to one that I have had since I originated the series back in '00. It isn't quite there, because I didn't go to Astoria to get cookies for today. I did go there, to write and think, think and write.

This has been a HUGE month for me. I am trying to hang on to it as best as I can. I don't 'cry' as much as I have the stress tears not unlike Meg Ryan in 'Medal of Honor'.

My Army buddy laughs when I referenced our hanging together as 'Thema and Louise' (guess which one I would be!). She gets me, and that is sooo very cool. Most of the time, Nebraska 'gets' me too, but there are some things that makes her feel a little squirrely about me. That is okay too, dontcha know. I am used to making people who get close to me that way.

Because I smile a lot, doesn't mean it is all pretty. Does mean that I like what I got, despite what you may think.

LIFE'S AIN'T EASY ...

... but it's not hard! It really isn't. How hard is it to do the right thing, when you know that it is the right thing to do?

For me, it was clear to me that I was doing the wrong thing in love ... and I would be upset with myself at some of my actions, because I knew that I was messing up! The question that I finally asked myself, cutting thru all the crap justifications, is why was I doing what DIDN'T work and not even trying the things that I knew worked, if my real desire and goal was to be married to one woman?

Other than my ex wife, I have met some super wonderful people (my wife rates a 'good' on the scale, just above 'poor') in my life. I believed that so much so, that when I found myself hung over Tee Jay, that I prolly had met the woman I was supposed to be with, and that was that with that. I included Nebraska, because of all the 'links' that I had to her (she was driving my 'next' car!) when we met on line, along with all the personal keys I had to her home state.

I don't think she ever really understood that if she wasn't from where she was from, I would have ignored her. Period. The only reason I could explain as to why she was into me, was that ... well, you get where I am going.

DID YOU KNOW ..?

That I had a hidden and unknown infatuation with Jenny in high school? Never acted on it, was content to look at her passing in the hall with all the cool, cool kids and occasionally bump into her at our lockers (which I got near hers, to be NEAR HER). It wouldn't be until we ran into each other in the R.O.K, that we got to be anything ...

... and from meeting and crushing on her, I would go home and meet my ex wife ... WHO HAS JENNY'S NAME! And yes Emily, I was going on the coincidence aspect of it. I think that my life has been planned out, and I am being moved to where I am supposed to be.

This is not to say that I didn't care about my ex in the way you are supposed to care about someone you marry. Or at least I thought so. After all, I did have to ask her and she did say yes. But I would go on with our relationship as a continuation of my relationship with Jenny, saying to myself that I guess I was supposed to meet and marry someone named Jenny.

And that was that with that.

ABOUT ME

I wanted someone who 'got me'. I wanted someone who knew the kind of cat I was, and was trying to be. I wanted someone who knew that despite my quirks and eccentricities, what kind of cat I am deep down, and can love me despite them.

Because if they could, they would also know that I would love them despite theirs.

In fact, I would feel even more attached to them because of their ability to give me another chance. Lao-tzu writes about how being merciful to a beaten foe makes that person potentially a loyal ally. Eh, I guess in doing an 'ex List' that is what I would be doing.

I already was able to love you like you hadn't been before. If you give me a second chance, not only would I come with less stupidity, but twice the devotion! What a bargain!!

I have some insecurities, and one of them occasionally pops up here. Am I like who I say I am. I don't think that I am larger than life, but when my sibs and steps introduces me to a friend, or someone from back in the day sees me, they look at me like, 'dag, he IS what you said he is!!'

That was what was behind the ex list, as well as having already 'met' my match! As it is, there are things about me NOW, that makes it even more important to me. Being able to meet and be with someone who can keep me on my path, and will be willing to put up with my 'stuff' to get back all the good things I have to offer, that would be a bargain for me.

Nebraska has a lot of what I am looking for, the place and the person. Not just in the new age vibe of mine, but literally. She is a BEE-youtiful woman. She is smart, and thoughtful. She has what I call an 'edge' that I don't. For instance, she would be able to 'read' the waiter or waitress who messes over our order for dinner, whereas I would simply deal. Not because I don't like confrontation, but that it isn't on my radar to raise anything. I would back her play, and that would be all the time.

I want to think that she saw that in Chicago, when that cat was running too close FOR ME. I would not hesitate when it came to doing for, protecting, and caring for her. Because that is the kind of stuff that IS on my radar.

There are other things on my radar, and those are also reasons to raise my 'defense level'. I use my insecurities as trip wires, so that when it is time to act, I will. Basically, I don't give anyone the power to make me feel bad. Should you manage to do that, make me feel bad about myself, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. I haven't been one to take what I don't like, for an unlimited amount of time.

And if you think what I do is harsh, then you have my ex wife to thank for that. It has taken me a long time to get over her, and the damage she did. It has meant that I HAVE caused a lot of hurt and pain as well, because when you wobble around broken with sharp, jagged edges, you cut too.

BUT, that doesn't make it right. I had to really get over myself and what was holding me back, keeping me from the good that life has to offer. The good that was mine to claim.

The link to the GPYP post which I understood as setting one's limits and sticking by them, is something that I have finally figured out. After my 'starter marriage', I slowly begin to find out my standards, and would eventually find the ones that I can stick by.

Thing is, they were the same things there were always in me from the beginning. However they came to be installed, they were basically in me from the beginning. If you knew me then, you know me now. Period.

I think that I have mentioned before, but 'redundancy saves lives' and it can also save relationships too.

CONSELS AND MAXIMS

In the book 'The 48 Laws of Power' by Robert Green, he excerpts from 'Consels and Maxims' by Arthur Schopanauer about 'ones relations to others'. Schopanauer defines 'a scoundrel' as a person who would take things that belongs to everyone, for himself, and would do worse, if not for the limits of his compulsion and the law.

Like the person who stole my money from me. Or someone who would wantonly hurt my feelings.

Now, there is a blogger who took some shots at me, but see, that was okay because they 'were who I thought they were'. They weren't any different from what they said they were, so I got what I paid for.

But for me to let you get that close to me ... as Brutus to Caesar ... hey man, I am so like, what do you want me to do? I mean, it is pretty much out of my hands. I don't have to tell you my limits, because there are some things you simply SHOULD NOT DO. And if you do them, and you feel satisfied with yourself, then BE TO YOURSELF. I don't play that AT ALL. Did it once, and it knocked me off track for most of my 20's and part of my early 30's, thank you very much. I WON'T LET ANYONE TAKE ME BACK THERE.

Period.

THAT SAID ...

... time to get ready for my doctor's appointment, and the one next week. Not that I expect to hear any 'news', but I like to make sure that I make my visits to the MD stays tame. Finally get to see 'Star Trek', and then the weeken after next, I am off to Virgina to see my Army buddy ...

... have I ever mentioned that I like Virgina almost as much as Carolina??

WHY DON'T YOU FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF?

THE SANEST DAYS ARE MAD...

*deep breath* I don't have a MC or Visa card, but Hutch does. I hope to get with him this weekend and book a flight to ... NEBRASKA.

Picked dates in October, and did as much scouting on line as I could ... it makes me nervous with expectation, trying to figure out where things were to each other in my 'new' hometown. Worse case scenario, I will have to fetch one of those prepaid thingys, and see what happens.

What spurred me to take this step is the ad on the welcome screen talking about the big savings on trips. And I thought ... now is the time. I mean, I ask myself often about being wrong. Nothing flippant here, I mean there are some concerns. I won't have to let my Dad know anything until September, but it makes me nervous to think about making such a big, big move.

But man, when I remember that I didn't think this much about driving down to Toledo with THAT woman years ago ...

THEN YOU'LL SEE THE PRICE ...

To purchase this package, will be a huge step for me. I have been figuring things out and have asked myself all the questions ... from getting from the Airport to my hotel, and from my hotel to where I need to go to do my housing paperwork. Before, when I would speak with Nebraska about this trip, I think we couldn't come to terms because for me, it is fine for it to be utilitarian visit. To 'show off' the place would be overkill. Besides, I don't budget for 'extras'.

I told her, as long as I get the paperwork filled out, I can sit in my room until it is time for my flight to leave ... and I am serious. What more should I worry about after getting the big thing done? Same thing regarding my permanent move. Just make sure the utilities are on, and I will be fine. I have slept on floors, cars, and OUTSIDE, not in a tent either.

Perhaps her sense of responsibility and civic pride gets a tad bruised when I have spoken about what COULD happen if things aren't what I hope they will be. The uncertainty is normal because when you are trying to do something major in your life, you will have to talk yourself into actually going on and doing what you think is THE thing to do.

And it isn't the thing to do because you have talked yourself into it, it is the thing to do because IT IS.

...VERY CLOSELY

Besides, I am sure that once I get to do an 'on site' inspection, I will feel a sense of vindication. See, one of those 'degrees of separation' from our lives that makes up part of my 'intuitive sense' is there as well. That it was made AFTER our meet in '07, makes it mean even more to me.

Do plan on doing a lot more 'listening' than 'talking' when I move there. I am thinking that once I get my paperwork done, I will be leaving Detroit around March or April. If there is any quality about me that gets misinterpreted the most, it is my ability to follow and still consider myself 'the man'. It is sorta 'theory and practice' kind of issue. I have found that the better the quality of person that 'she' is, the less of a point of contention that is.

Anywho, I think that I can trust her to do right by me.

REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT DARING

That is for the butterflies!!

... AND NOW MY DAY IS DONE!!

Cleaning up some clutter ...

Got worn out today. The WIND, not the cold or the heat, is the weather condition that bother me the most. And it blew out of the west ... and the direction I had to start off my day in? WEST!!

In the movie 'Chasing Amy' there is a scene between Jason Lee and Ben Affleck characters where they discuss the pragmatism of Ben's romantic pursuits.

Before I get to that, I want to say that I absolutely adore women. Adore them. I don't quake at feminist ... in fact, I know the difference between Gloria Steinem, Camile Paglia and Andrea Dworkin. Glanced over Betty Friedan's 'The Feminine Mystique'. So it isn't like I say what I say without trying to learn about the subject.

But when Phil McGraw was a guest on Oprah, I liked his style. It reminded me of my Mom, who was as 'tell it like it is' as she could be. I am sure that is one of the reason I prefer that someone come to me 'straight away'. I would rather 'deal' than have someone not face up and let me know what is what. My situation with Tee Jay, is hung up over this, as I don't think she is being 'straight' with me.

AKA thinks because TO HER ( to anyone else ..? not so much, but then that is part of our problem), I am hard on women. She forgets how she promoted herself to me, and how she assessed cats in my circumstance. That is of no never mind right now, but I don't want to seem like I am picking on women, and I am far from being some bitter misogynist.

It is what it is. I am willing to take what I have coming so that I can work on what I can, to get to be the person I want to be. And then I will ATTRACT the people that I want to be in my life, and find my partner.

Cathy, over at 'Dare To Think', made a post recently that was about time, and how we are a part of 'it' and that we are at once experiencing it and being it at the same time. At least that is how it came to me. I have to mediate on it, because I think it is crucial for me to have a better understanding of my 'why' to Nebraska.

Anywho, the 'Four Way Road' will be the theme for this week.