Saturday, June 13, 2009

AND I'M TAKING MY SONG TO THE GRAVE

NPR SATURDAY

At least the closest to one that I have had since I originated the series back in '00. It isn't quite there, because I didn't go to Astoria to get cookies for today. I did go there, to write and think, think and write.

This has been a HUGE month for me. I am trying to hang on to it as best as I can. I don't 'cry' as much as I have the stress tears not unlike Meg Ryan in 'Medal of Honor'.

My Army buddy laughs when I referenced our hanging together as 'Thema and Louise' (guess which one I would be!). She gets me, and that is sooo very cool. Most of the time, Nebraska 'gets' me too, but there are some things that makes her feel a little squirrely about me. That is okay too, dontcha know. I am used to making people who get close to me that way.

Because I smile a lot, doesn't mean it is all pretty. Does mean that I like what I got, despite what you may think.

LIFE'S AIN'T EASY ...

... but it's not hard! It really isn't. How hard is it to do the right thing, when you know that it is the right thing to do?

For me, it was clear to me that I was doing the wrong thing in love ... and I would be upset with myself at some of my actions, because I knew that I was messing up! The question that I finally asked myself, cutting thru all the crap justifications, is why was I doing what DIDN'T work and not even trying the things that I knew worked, if my real desire and goal was to be married to one woman?

Other than my ex wife, I have met some super wonderful people (my wife rates a 'good' on the scale, just above 'poor') in my life. I believed that so much so, that when I found myself hung over Tee Jay, that I prolly had met the woman I was supposed to be with, and that was that with that. I included Nebraska, because of all the 'links' that I had to her (she was driving my 'next' car!) when we met on line, along with all the personal keys I had to her home state.

I don't think she ever really understood that if she wasn't from where she was from, I would have ignored her. Period. The only reason I could explain as to why she was into me, was that ... well, you get where I am going.

DID YOU KNOW ..?


That I had a hidden and unknown infatuation with Jenny in high school? Never acted on it, was content to look at her passing in the hall with all the cool, cool kids and occasionally bump into her at our lockers (which I got near hers, to be NEAR HER). It wouldn't be until we ran into each other in the R.O.K, that we got to be anything ...

... and from meeting and crushing on her, I would go home and meet my ex wife ... WHO HAS JENNY'S NAME! And yes Emily, I was going on the coincidence aspect of it. I think that my life has been planned out, and I am being moved to where I am supposed to be.

This is not to say that I didn't care about my ex in the way you are supposed to care about someone you marry. Or at least I thought so. After all, I did have to ask her and she did say yes. But I would go on with our relationship as a continuation of my relationship with Jenny, saying to myself that I guess I was supposed to meet and marry someone named Jenny.

And that was that with that.

ABOUT ME

I wanted someone who 'got me'. I wanted someone who knew the kind of cat I was, and was trying to be. I wanted someone who knew that despite my quirks and eccentricities, what kind of cat I am deep down, and can love me despite them.

Because if they could, they would also know that I would love them despite theirs.

In fact, I would feel even more attached to them because of their ability to give me another chance. Lao-tzu writes about how being merciful to a beaten foe makes that person potentially a loyal ally. Eh, I guess in doing an 'ex List' that is what I would be doing.

I already was able to love you like you hadn't been before. If you give me a second chance, not only would I come with less stupidity, but twice the devotion! What a bargain!!

I have some insecurities, and one of them occasionally pops up here. Am I like who I say I am. I don't think that I am larger than life, but when my sibs and steps introduces me to a friend, or someone from back in the day sees me, they look at me like, 'dag, he IS what you said he is!!'

That was what was behind the ex list, as well as having already 'met' my match! As it is, there are things about me NOW, that makes it even more important to me. Being able to meet and be with someone who can keep me on my path, and will be willing to put up with my 'stuff' to get back all the good things I have to offer, that would be a bargain for me.

Nebraska has a lot of what I am looking for, the place and the person. Not just in the new age vibe of mine, but literally. She is a BEE-youtiful woman. She is smart, and thoughtful. She has what I call an 'edge' that I don't. For instance, she would be able to 'read' the waiter or waitress who messes over our order for dinner, whereas I would simply deal. Not because I don't like confrontation, but that it isn't on my radar to raise anything. I would back her play, and that would be all the time.

I want to think that she saw that in Chicago, when that cat was running too close FOR ME. I would not hesitate when it came to doing for, protecting, and caring for her. Because that is the kind of stuff that IS on my radar.

There are other things on my radar, and those are also reasons to raise my 'defense level'. I use my insecurities as trip wires, so that when it is time to act, I will. Basically, I don't give anyone the power to make me feel bad. Should you manage to do that, make me feel bad about myself, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. I haven't been one to take what I don't like, for an unlimited amount of time.

And if you think what I do is harsh, then you have my ex wife to thank for that. It has taken me a long time to get over her, and the damage she did. It has meant that I HAVE caused a lot of hurt and pain as well, because when you wobble around broken with sharp, jagged edges, you cut too.

BUT, that doesn't make it right. I had to really get over myself and what was holding me back, keeping me from the good that life has to offer. The good that was mine to claim.

The link to the GPYP post which I understood as setting one's limits and sticking by them, is something that I have finally figured out. After my 'starter marriage', I slowly begin to find out my standards, and would eventually find the ones that I can stick by.

Thing is, they were the same things there were always in me from the beginning. However they came to be installed, they were basically in me from the beginning. If you knew me then, you know me now. Period.


I think that I have mentioned before, but 'redundancy saves lives' and it can also save relationships too.

CONSELS AND MAXIMS

In the book 'The 48 Laws of Power' by Robert Green, he excerpts from 'Consels and Maxims' by Arthur Schopanauer about 'ones relations to others'. Schopanauer defines 'a scoundrel' as a person who would take things that belongs to everyone, for himself, and would do worse, if not for the limits of his compulsion and the law.

Like the person who stole my money from me. Or someone who would wantonly hurt my feelings.

Now, there is a blogger who took some shots at me, but see, that was okay because they 'were who I thought they were'. They weren't any different from what they said they were, so I got what I paid for.

But for me to let you get that close to me ... as Brutus to Caesar ... hey man, I am so like, what do you want me to do? I mean, it is pretty much out of my hands. I don't have to tell you my limits, because there are some things you simply SHOULD NOT DO. And if you do them, and you feel satisfied with yourself, then BE TO YOURSELF. I don't play that AT ALL. Did it once, and it knocked me off track for most of my 20's and part of my early 30's, thank you very much. I WON'T LET ANYONE TAKE ME BACK THERE.

Period.

THAT SAID ...

... time to get ready for my doctor's appointment, and the one next week. Not that I expect to hear any 'news', but I like to make sure that I make my visits to the MD stays tame. Finally get to see 'Star Trek', and then the weeken after next, I am off to Virgina to see my Army buddy ...

... have I ever mentioned that I like Virgina almost as much as Carolina??

6 comments:

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Sounds like a course change, but a good one :o)

a corgi said...

I like your statements about life, Mark; that is soo true! How hard is it to do the right thing when you know it is the right thing to do. More people need to listen to that and live their lives like that.

hope your doctor visit went good

betty

Tawnya said...

You know I understand what you are saying. For me it is sometimes hard to not let people hurt me because I get so wrapped up in them. Lately, I have put some space between me and a few people in my life and continued down my path with school. Sept is going to be a great month for me! My degree and my trip. Looking forward to it. Maybe too much!! Keep on keeping on. Oh and I am happy that you found someone that you want to hang with. I hope it is all you want it to be.

Beth said...

"It has meant that I HAVE caused a lot of hurt and pain as well, because when you wobble around broken with sharp, jagged edges, you cut too."

I think that may be one of the best things you've written. Can hardly wait to hear more about the change of plans...! Hugs, Beth

Celeste said...

Life would be so much easier if it went in a straight line but alas it does not. Oh well if it did then I would never have found you.
As for the smarts, I think that you are a very intelligent person

Cathy said...

I so appreciate folks who are not afraid to find the diamond amongst the rocks of self-pity and there's NOTHING wrong with giving in to that emotion now and then. Including depression or just blue-moodiness. I would hazard a guess that alot of what you enjoy best about your writing came from times of pain or questing, maybe just an inconsolable feeling of loss you can't name. But I presume. "Don't go gently into that good night..." Rage on, my friend.