Friday, April 20, 2012

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA THAT I AM DROWNING IN


I did not do as well as I had hoped on my midterm on Tuesday.  Not “worried” as I have a good overall average, but the midterm was definitely a place where I could have gotten some separation from the “line to gain”.

It was a dreary day in Omaha, overcast from the start with rains in the mid-afternoon.  I was supposed to meet with Nebraska for dinner but when I got into my apartment, I was wiped.  Changed into my sleepwear and fell heavily into bed, where a smurf was OUT.  I did get up around 6:30 pm, did something, and went back to bed.  Woke up around 12:30 am, and started piddling around.  Meet with my job counselor tomorrow morning.  There is a restaurant the Nebraska introduced me to, Wheatfields, taking applications and I would love if they pulled mine for an interview.  Wish me luck!

Had the most interesting dream… it was of Tee Jay and we had spent the day together as friends, and were now sitting at a bistro and chattering about her going to college.  I was trying to encourage her to do the same I as was doing, and she had a small crisis of confidence.  I say “small”, because I had her back and we were going to get her through school no matter what it took! 

My body is more tired than anything.  Sometimes it feels as if it doesn’t really want to function, which is why I took the bus to school ( all the buses here have bike racks) and essentially felt like an outdated robot lumbering around.  Saturday I will be up at 0500 so that I can go and do my volunteer work for my Human Relations class.  I plan on taking notes as I don’t know what the organization does, but it will qualify for my group’s term project.

One of the reasons that this is a jumbled entry is that I have “things” going on just like everyone else.  If you make something that matters to you, matter, then you will find a way to get things done, and you will include it in your day no matter how busy or whatever obstacles there are.  There are days where I wake up and think to myself that I should just, “shut it down” and let the day go by.  When I stop, I get these flares of pain, a low but steady aching, both in my muscles and going bone deep, and no pain medicine seem to do anything about.  Then I think that the crystals that form gout and causes joint pain are breaking up in my body, but as they do, they are getting caught in other areas and start to cause discomfort.  I don’t know if that is accurate… but that is what I am feeling.  Then there is trying to cope with recognizing and placing everyone, keeping track of my goals for the day and adding whatever new is coming along with my plans.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS

With Mitt Romney’s wife in the news recently as an example of stay-at-home Mom’s being overlooked, it highlights the differences between stay-at-home Mom’s by choice and those who are there because of attrition in their primary relationships.  Though I don’t think that Ann Romney has the same kind of struggle that many single Mom’s do for instance, the two that I mentioned in this entry, Nebraska and Tee Jay for example, I do think that sometimes single Mom’s are looked at as unassailable out of a guilt complex because they are also victims of the hierarchal social system we live under.  And frankly, I don’t give a shit.

One of the reasons that I don’t is my personal experience.  No, I am not a single Mom, but I have had to play one on TV.  I have been around several in my lifetime and while I won’t say that there is nothing new to being involved with them, I will say that I do get that while each case has its own profile, there are similarities that are clear to nearly all of them.  And there are common misconceptions about their burden and how vital a function they serve.  I guess in the macro-social world, there is some merit to it, but again, I am talking more about me.

Since I started “relating” with women as an adult, I have never shied away from a single Mother.  I was raised by one and I like to think that I kind of “get it”.  And while I understand the uniqueness of an individual, the idea that theirs is the only one “like it” is nonsensical.  I mean, I get if someone says, “Well this is my choice and I am sticking with it,” but it kind of defies convention to be open to relationships but to define terms that are favorable only to one self.  My starter wife did that, had a piss-poor opinion of men, and had created a picture of herself as the last sane woman in the world, one who did not “play that mess” and “was definitely not a joke”.  Well, what-the-fuck-ever.

SEE, THERE IS A WAY THAT YOU TALK WHEN YOU WANT A JOB

Anywho, I hope that I can get a look-see for the positions they have open at Wheatfield’s.  Either one would be fine by me, I just would like to get out and have a job.  Then I can tell a working Mother that I too, work, go to school and I do it all while dealing with my disability.  But I am sure that they will find something else to add to their struggle, to make themselves evoke more sympathy and somehow make their struggle more noble.

I don’t understand why even want for a relationship if you are so concerned with the duty of being a Mother and coping with any of your other duties and obligations?  I feel like saying, “Play ‘em off, Flavor Flav,” and dropping the line from “Can’t Do Nuthin’ For You Man” on them:  It was YOU who made your due… YOU built a maze YOU can’t get through…

Blah.  Just a general rant from my experiences and I theories about “why” things end up the way that they do.  And how I sleep guiltlessly as possible, unless I discover that I did not do as well as I hoped on my Algebra test, and I have a long ride in the cold, wet, rain…

4 comments:

FrankandMary said...

Hmm, this is not an endorsement of all your views..& you didn't ask for one...but I understand & agree with Some of the single mother vibe expressed here. Not just single mothers per se, but I've met plenty of people who turn their hard luck/life memories into PR for themselves. Then the favorable valiant press release becomes addicting. And I have told not just a few women(who mostly did not give a damn) that there is nothing heroic about thinking you are always right & the whole male population is always wrong.~Mary

DB said...

I'm wishing you lots of luck about the job.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Hope you get a call back...

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