ADVENTURES IN PSYCHOTROPIA
One of the things that I should mention is that my anti-depressant script was increased to what I would consider a full dose, since my last one was for “half the amount that I normally prescribe”, said my MD. Fine… meanwhile I was walking around with my metaphorical hooded sweatshirt on, considering all kind of dark ideas. Anywho, I think I am finally coming around to breathing again. One way that I could tell was the indescribable joy that I felt when I was riding on my NEW BIKE (oh, that is SOME story there!!) approaching my apartment building.
The feeling, the sensation of “newness” has not worn off of Omaha for me and I am the “I can’t believe I am doing this”, has not yet left me. There is still so much out here for me to go see and do, and I do believe that I have two little boys to tag along with me, as well as an adoring Princess, as well. Things could be better, but, they could be A LOT worse.
With the election going the way that it did, I think I will have about 4 years to get my degree… which is going to be a tight window. But, if I can stay with Pinnacle and get back into school, I will graduate into a promotion. Can’t beat that with a stick, if you ask me!
As far as a friendship between Nebraska and I… see, I know how important friends are to a person’s well-being and quality of life. And there are times where I wonder what it would be like to call on someone for a favor or to even help out, and just to sit around and “have a beer with”, so to speak. Well, that is not going to happen with us, and not because of anything other than us being two different types of people and whose personalities are not going to mesh. While I do have plenty of leeway regarding my speech (anyone who bothers to look at what I share on Face Book can vouch for that!) something that I thought was innocently said was taken in an unintended manner. No “this or that” (after all, they are not related) to why the misinterpretation took place, just that it was a sign that we are not ready for “our friendship” to commence, and if not now then when will we be?
Last weekend was one where “the days of my nights blurred into the nights of my days”. First, I was not sure if Princess was going to make the Christmas party that the parent company was holding at the facility. I was still going to do my bad Karaoke of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”, but it would have been sort of a dud if she was not there. Friday night at the fitness center, we experienced several power outages and would eventually close the club early, but it was not so early that Doug, my Mountain Bike, was stolen from in front of the club!!
I am into anthropomorphizing my bicycles, believing that they perform better if they have a “a character” to perform to. From being my “horses” to now human characteristics, Doug was more than a conveyance to me, he was as much a friend as an inanimate object can be to a person.
After Trixe (the bike that I had from my days with the Mooks) was totaled out, I saw Doug a few months later, after I had enrolled at Metro. I knew that I was not going to want to be bothered waiting on the bus, so I went a picked him up for a song. As a mountain bike, he was always an uncomfortable fit for me and for town riding, but he never seemed to mind. Wherever I needed to go, he was there for me, even after I got Madison (my Trek road bike) and her petulant self!! Doug took me to West Omaha during the summer and made countless trips to the grocery store for me, even as his pedals were cracking underneath my heavy use. He did not seem to mind that I would question whether or not I should keep him, as every time I needed him, he was there, reliable and dependable. I never thought that anyone would take him, given his “looks”, but you just don’t know… I think that there is an element that is preying on the club, but I will take that to management. But man, it hurt my feelings, because Doug (or “Dougie” as he was affectionately called) meant thesame to me as “Wilson” did to Chuck Noland. I will get another bike… but I will never replace Doug…
Saturday came and went… Princess made the party and unbeknownst to me, had called my supervisor earlier, intending on surprising me by showing up. The super told her about the rough night that I had, especially with losing Doug, so she decided to surprise me by picking me up from Pinnacle when I got off. She was going to pick up my pant (100% wool, nabbed at ½ price!!) from the department store anywho, and that is when she told me she was “in”. Went to the party, met some people and made polite conversation… did my song, which because I actually DON’T LIKE IT, I did poorly. The DJ had not configured the projection so I could see it, though they did get it right for everyone else!! Anywho, mission accomplished!!
Later, I asked Princess if she realized how many “milestone moments” we have had, and that this was another one of them. She said “yes” and dropped me home, as she had to go tend to her boys. Sunday came and went… another Lion loss to the Packers in Green Bay. Then Monday came, sat around until it was time to go to work and what did I find there? And here is where the new bike (Scarlett) enters into play!
Apparently one of the members heard about my situation and went out and purchased me A BRAND NEW BIKE!! I was completely gobsmacked, choked up and still am amazed at the generosity of my anonymous benefactor. Though I had said that I would not “name” another bike, “Scarlet” is going to take her place among the my possessions, and I will hopefully be able to take care of her until I can “gift” her to someone else.
THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE
Going back to Nebraska and me for a moment… one of her issues is that the person who I project is NOT the person that she got to know. And I will agree with her on that. I am who you think I am, not who I tell you I am. I do not manipulate perception nor am I performing any gimmicks or feats of prestidigitation on my own character’s behalf. So when she says that I was not the person that she thought I was, she is right… I am NOT the person she thought I was! Hell, I DON’T even know the person she thought that I was, either!!
But for anyone who finds themselves in the “negative zone” of my life, there is one measure by which I hold that you can tell why that is, and that is “my formula for happiness”, which is a yes, a no, a straight line, a goal, no in-between and no greys allowed. You have to be clear and distinct, and bounded by a purpose to be in my confidence. That was something that I could not find with her in a relationship, and likely there are no configuration of a relationship that will allow for us to be any closer than we are now.
The reason that I am mentioning this is the contrast between her view of my “doppelganger” and the people at the club, whoever heard about and gifted me a NEW BICYCLE. I do claim that if you put in the time and create the space in your life for a cool cat to lie in, then we should get along just splendidly. But if you don’t, either because you can’t or won’t (which is really the same thing, isn’t it??), then you won’t get the chance to find out if I am any of the potentially wonderful things that I claim, because the deal is voided.
I am funny about relationships because I do understand that they are about risk and sacrifice… and if you are not willing (which is the same as “not being able”), then do not be surprised if I pick up on your unwillingness to participate and behave accordingly. There is only this one life that I can be sure of, and I am not going to stand adrift while someone fumbles with their compass…