UNTITLED

When I began making the claim that I am one of the most positive cats you will ever meet, there are two reasons that I say that.  The first reason in the above paragraph and the second reason is the title of this entry.  I still have the remnants of the some of what my Mother would arm me with to reply to taunts… that they were jealous because they did not have anyone to come to school to see about them and that they would go to sleep with their stomach full of what they “wished they had for dinner”.  In essence, my main retort to all the horrible names was more of a concept that defined the difference between me and many of my tormentors… that I was loved and cared for.  And despite the differences that would grow in my teen years between us, I never lost sight of how fortunate I am to have had the Mother that I did and the opportunity to be who it is that I am today.

Generally speaking, I do think that most adults who find themselves dissatisfied with most of their lives could have made the decision in high school to pick out the pathway to a life that they would find more amenable to their desires.  I, for one, could have REALLY bore down on my studies, trained as a boxer with a greater zealousness, and been a squared away soldier… but those paths were not the ones that I chose and now I am here, smiling and still laying claim to being indefatigable, thinking about what I can still get done and still expecting the stars with my hopes…

I wish that I could dream.  It has been a long, long time since I had dreams.  Not that it is a great concern, just that I want to get more in tune with my unconscious self, as I like the way that Mark thinks!!  So that means I am going to practice meditation and even pick up a little yoga as well.  Though the President has put “entitlements” like Social Security on the bargaining table, I think I will be able to have 4 years not to be concerned with things like where I am getting my money from.  Also, having my job to supplement my income, I think that I will be able to build an emergency nest-egg to alleviate a lot of my financial worries.

Princess and I have been getting along famously.  We became an “official” couple in July after KT went home.  The first time she said that she “loved” me was on my birthday, when she used “love” in the signature for the card.

Contrasting the evolution of our relationship to other relationships in my life has been interesting.  While there have been some truly minor bumps as we got to really know one another, we have always been able to communicate what we feel clearly, and able to understand each other’s point of view.  A big reason for that has been that the purpose of our relationship was one that we both shared common interest in.  By no means has it been easy or sudden, but it has always trended in one direction.

After “the Era of Discontent” spent in high school, my relations with women have been overwhelmingly good.  Other than my starter wife, I have not had many problems in getting to know someone.  Additionally, the level of attraction that was present was pretty high, as the incident where I met Princess was indicative of how most of my episodes have gone.  The “Je ne sais quoi” that marks my love life is another component of my appreciation for the life that I have had to live.

Though I do not take it for granted that people find me handsome or good-looking, I do know and expect to ATTRACT someone who finds me attractive.  Being able to identify the interest of a woman has allowed me to have “the high ground” when engaging in a relationship.  Thus, I am approaching with the momentum of being what I have called, “forward” when it comes to talking with a potential partner.  Whether it is from my vibe or purely superficial because a woman likes my build, I have become accustomed to going into engagements with the advantages of knowing that someone desires me.  From there, I have to confirm if a person likes me, and that is done in fairly short order.  I am able to do that because I don’t deliberately hide anything about me and the most probable issues that a person would have with me are the ones that I mention early, if not among the first topics of conversations we have in getting to know one another.

One of the things that I have rarely had to encounter was the level of interest in a relationship with me, or someone’s “enthusiasm” for a relationship with me.  This is something that can be shown any number of ways, but usually is demonstrated in how much they desire to spend time with me.  For instance, AKA would anticipate my “schedule” and often meet me as I went about my rounds if she could.  She was not shy in how she went about showing her value for me in her life, but it was based on a papier-mâché foundation.  She was never able to give voice to her feelings for me, even when it was clear that the opportunity to do so was open to her.  Often, back while I was working and I would confide in my then-BFF, that were I not treading water that I would not have let her remain a part of my life.  As it was, when I did tell her that I was moving to Virginia, she thought that by flaming a brother on Face Book was the way to go.  Well, she really showed me!!

Now while I had plenty of confirmation of how she felt, what was missing was “verification” of her feelings.  Again, it was not that I did not “know” that she was perhaps in love with me but that saying it leaves you vulnerable, and I demand that vulnerability in a partner, because I feel that I have been vulnerable throughout our relationship.  I don’t know if anyone I have connected with emotionally got to embrace as much of a person than they did me, prior to our relationship.  So when I had to deal with her lack of personal openness, there was only one place for her in my life.  It was not that I did not care for or like her, but with as much as I believed I had on the line, I felt that I should know EXACTLY how she felt about me.

Another thing about being forward in relationships is that by declaring how much interest and desire I have for a person, I believe that my openness invites the other person to be open with me, especially since they can see and touch my enthusiasm for them in my life.  I also use this as a vector to measure how well we communicate with one another.  With my starter marriage, these were things that I thought were areas that we would shore up as we go after all, we WERE married.  But the relationship was never able to get beyond the squabbling and pettiness that consumes many a marriage between equals in immaturity.

I never knew how she really “felt” about me.  This was not through a lack of investigation but because she already “knew” things about life that she believed that I had yet to learn.  She also believed in the tropes about African-American men, and especially people from my high school.  Despite all the negative ideas she held about me and who I may have been, she still married me.  And I was no better.  It was not like I did not have warning signs that we were a bad match for one another, but true love conquers… but only if it is true.