Friday, January 13, 2012



 The reason that it is a good sign for me to be able to draw motivation from what I am reading is that it is a signal that part of me is ‘the same as it ever was’ harks back to one of the Nietzsche quotes that I have dropped often (enough) in my blog.

The formula for my happiness: A yes, a no, a straight line, a goal.

Whenever you are reading this blog, you have to keep this in mind.  I can empathize and provide succor for someone who enduring a particularly challenging trial for them.  And I place empathis on the ‘them’ aspect of my empathy, because it is not for me to judge but it is for me to respect and give space to them and their emotions.  A quote that has been attributed most often to Plato, governs how I approach every single person I encounter which is, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”  This is philosophy that is often forgotten in open society, or if it appears to be adhered, it is only a superficial cover for the moment that they can ‘whatever’.  Be ‘whatever’ a reveal of their lack of sensitivity to the homeless man that perhaps a little dignity could tip the balance of their lives, or the nods of understanding they claim for minorities that disappears in the salon’s of the well-to-do.

My last entry was written without much editing or proofing.  While some of the small errors, like a –s here and a misspelling there are just par for the course, the ‘You Don’t Want To Go There’ segment read like a mess when I actually read what I had wrote, which wasn’t until after I posted it!

I meant to indicate that Tee Jay was comfortable with whatever light I had left on for the Delta Girl, having explained how I think and approach relationships.  Other than Delta becoming a little uncertain when I looked like I was going to REALLY reach ‘the next level’ with my boxing, I did not have anything bad to say about her.  And there is more to her story that is only to be whispered in my mind, so that I won’t forget what to do should I have someone in my life that fills my heart as those two women did.

Now, this is a prologue to this entry, which I was able to write after reading Sherry’s entry about her condition.  I haven’t directly spoken to what’s what for me, but today I feel rather irie and today is the day that I do!


Now with this injury gaining notice because of what has taken place with our soldiers and more fair-skinned and revenue generating athletes, this my injury which goes by so many different names that I leave it at either TBI or CBTE and just go from there.  Whenever it has came to providing a full description whether in general or specific to me, I get not just evasive, but super-black market vague because I don’t want to become more aware of what is going on with me.  After all, I knew it was possible for most of my career.

I think that the super-interest in the condition grew out of the loss of millions in sports, when a star quarterback or linebacker was found to be suffering from problems with concussions.  Before it was just for punch-drunk boxers and shell-shocked soldiers, especially since it was either a result of ‘service of the country’ or just some poor ‘spic or ‘smurf’ from either the barrio or the hood.  But when cats like Troy Aikman and most recently Sidney Crosby… eh, y’all are big kids so you get the inference I am making.  But let us not get lost in the politics of the condition and back to me!

Okay, I knew that there was a chance that this could show up on my path since I was 15 or 16, and I was sparring with a cat and got dinged.  It was a different kind of ‘ding’ and I am going to leave it at that, only to say it was after that sparring session when I made the commitment to become a boxer.

When it comes to the ends of my career, the feelings that it has provided me with and the experiences that I have had are, to me, well worth the cost.  Because I believe in what I do about my life, that my outcomes would have possibly been different if I had the kind of support at the start or earlier in my career at the crossroads of crucial conflicts that I would have been able to take different paths that may have led to different destinations…

… but I kept those for another day and knowing all the while how way can lead on to way… I own the travels down the path that I am on.  What made Sherry’s post especially relevant is that today was a long day.  My body feels as if it is revolting against me as I pushed through the cold (though it is cold, it simply is NOT the same kind of cold … but the wind is a little different, so there is that), a chill that I felt through the sinew and ligaments that hold my body together, and I was able to get back into the house and fall into my bed, home safely, with all the things that I took out of the house coming back with me, along with the peace and quiet that comes from being in a spot of serenity for me.


There are other details on the Axis scale that would call to mind the things that I have believed all along with regards to ‘the environment’.  That part of my diagnosis refers to my physical health and the kind of supports that I have at home in my life, which is why I don’t simply have ‘wants’ of a possible partner but needs that are non-negotiable.  I don’t worry about what I am, because I know what that is.  What I don’t know is what YOU are and until I do, I can’t let you into my life.

I spoke about how sister girls who happen to be single mothers are so full of that fact that they present their status like a badge or some sort of certificate that confers something or the freakin’ other unto them… adds to their wisdom and sense of responsibility.  It isn’t that I don’t appreciate or feel that they a single Mom should not be noted, but hell, for a great many of them, it was a choice that had they figured out in ‘high school what they wanted’, they could have better prepared themselves for.

The smugness of this classification of women has conferred upon them is laughable.  As it is, most of it is comes from an inflated self-worth.  But I don’t have to get all into that as much as things are taken out of my hands.  What I mean by that is pretty simple… the needs that I require of a partner aren’t things that can be displayed ‘sometimes’ or when it is convenient.  In my assessment of why women in general and sister girls in particular, find themselves vulnerable and at risk, fearing to participate fully in a relationship, I think it is because of their own issues.  They hide behind their children, their sense of entitlement, and ‘past good works’, which could not have been too good, and stupid rules that are reinforced through the media. 

Look, I cannot help if ‘you’ cannot trust your judgment in such matters.  I do trust mine and whether one questions my results or not, I can make a decision that is clear and precise.  I do think I still that I am able to make good choices… I need to kick things up to make better ones.

Well, this is about as much as I can speak about what is going on with me.  Diminished cognitive functions mean that I don’t have to put up with someone and their BS.  I make my choice (for instance, to maintain my bearing with Mookie Dee and her cheatin’ heart) and then live by it.  Just like I have aimed at for most of my life, but when I can reinforce my choices like this, I don’t even have to provide an external or internal reason.  It is what it is.


mrs.missalaineus said...

i see it like this. you are you and the partner you choose will be both fully supportive of your diagnosis as well as of you in any/ all challenges you face daily or further down the road. if they ain't, then they need to go.


Have Myelin? said...

Most people think "diminished cognitive functioning" means stupid. I don't.

Someone may ask me a question and really... the right answer comes to me the next day.

Am I slow? I don't think so. I didn't used to be that way. They call it a "cognitive issue" (LOL) but hey - now I tell myself I am more cautious, more prudent about things. Language can reform some things. We can change our we think about things. I choose to view my cog fog as a positive. Hey, it's who I am now, right?

My bell was rung once - my EX and I had separated and he followed me home after a failed settlement hearing. He threw me on the tile floor after a scuffle (and more) and I ended up with a concussion plus broken teeth. I never forgot how dazed I felt - it is hard to explain, that "concussed state" of being.

Yes he was arrested but that's another story.

Your formula for happiness: "A yes, a no, a straight line, a goal." Works for me everytime too.

You mean everytime you leave a comment on my blog you never read what I wrote back? Damn.

FrankandMary said...

You are engrossing & articulate...that is more than you can say for many people without your DX.

Look, I'm a stubborn schizophrenic who gave her house & over 90% of her belongings away, yet my ex-bf keeps on loving me. Go figure.

You & I both have some splendid inconsistences. I sort of like that.~Mary

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Many people go a lifetime never realizing that you do not have to put up with the BS of others. You are ahead of the game.