I wish sometimes that I had been as 'smart' as I wanted to be. Not to have had more material success or to be renowned for my intelligence. I wish that I was 'smarter' because I want to KNOW.
The same way that you are going to take your next breath, is the way that the desire to KNOW acts in me. Yeah, life got in the way. But that is my fault. I was the one that allowed for the light to be obscured, and now here I am.
What am I going to do?
My Army buddy, the SFC, says she noticed in talking to me that things were 'different'. *shrugs* Who hasn't noticed that about me now? But if you think after these few lines that this is going to go 'that way', then you must not have been following me long!
WHY DON'T I 'GET' WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES?
Like the NIN/Johnny Cash (because he owned it, much like how Whitney did with Dolly Parton's 'I Will Always Love You') song 'Hurt' the other day, that sounded like a love song when it played in my walkman, why did it sound like that to me? I mean, I know on a conscious level that the song isn't about anything I was feeling at the time, yet that is what it sounded like in my ears at the time.
It still doesn't. Why is that?
Even with my wondering why I don't 'get' what everyone else does, it isn't in that bleating, agonized way that it reads here. It is just what it is, a freakin' question. 'Pity' has the life cycle of a fruit fly in my soul, so if it seems that I am feeling sorry for myself, that mood passed by the time you finished reading the sentence.
No, I wonder if I wasn't supposed to be a philosopher, a spiritual person on the order of shaman or yogi (hey BooBoo, let head on over to the park and see about getting one of those delicious picnic baskets!!), or one of those deep thinking cats like Wayne Dyer (he isn't the only one ... just the one in current rotation!). Each time I relax, and lose myself, I find myself again in a better place.
Right now, is no exception.
MAKING THE BIG TIME WHERE YOU ARE
That is the name of a book, and it was very good. I wish that I still had it, and I wouldn't mind finding it again.
For those of you who have been along for this bumpy ride, that is what I have really tried to do, no matter what else may have been going on. Making whatever it is that I want happen in my life. That is part of what disappointed me in Nebraska recently. I can't believe that aspiring to bellicosity is something that a person really wants to aspire to. Who would invite conflict into their life?
My earliest, & happiest, memories pre-date WWII,
They involve a glass slipper & a helpless blue rose In a slender blue single-rose vase:
Mine Was a story without a plot. The days of my years
Folded into one another, an easy fit, in which I made money & spent it, learned to dance & forgot, gaveBlood, regained my poise, & verbalized myself a place In Society.
I had snagged that from ThomasLB's journal a while back, asking him if he thought that the poet who wrote it, would mind if I saod that I saw some of myself in his words. He said no, and I thought about these words, and felt a kineticism to them.
I have plenty of happy memories, far more than the less than happy ones in my life. Even if my happiness is born out of regrettable circumstance, I still take from it what was good about it, and go from there. It is fine to say things like 'you live and learn', if that is indeed what you do. When someone uses one of the 'phrases of the day', I could cut their clucking tongues out of their empty heads! Not only are the common sayings oxymoronic, but usually the information it is supposed to be sending, would be best be adhered to by the one speaking!
For me, they sound like a double negative, canceling each other out. The conditions could not exist, not mentally or spiritually. So why allow that kind of stuff occupy space in your own mind? Show some creativity, some originality, and let that stuff in the vacuum of your skull earn its keep!
And it also shows to me, a lack of appreciation. In the 'trifles of the everyday', there isn't a place for acting with little regard to others, and you will get on the last nerve with me, and that means I am going to have to push you off it.
I am striving to be around here, the words that I am sharing from Thomas' poem. Because mine is a story without a plot, or if there is one, I haven't been given all the clues to it. What I do know is, that everything leads me back to being where I am now, in this mind, this state.
Back to who I think is 'me'.
STILL HOLDING ON TO THE MOMENT
Just over a week ago, I was in a very bright mood. Though Nebraska and I was, and are still, in a flux, I had reasons to feel great.
Then 'stuff' started to happen, and it was a rough, rough, week. But I never let go of my hopes, the ones that I started the month out with. So my timetable has to change. Maybe my destination as well. The main thing is, that I stay focused on the road to my goal, which is to find my happiness.
There are times, particularly in the gloom and mists of the 'twilight of the day', where it is easy to become lost and confused. I won't let myself to forget all the gains that I have made, and that I am going in the direction that I want to go. And that is that with that!
It isn't that I have forgotten what has happened, but that I continue to move beyond what occurred. Because, DONTCHA KNOW, you have to in order to get what it is you want most in life!
I think I deserve what I want, not just because I have the yearnings that we all have, to have needs that evolve to desires met, but because I am going to work and earn what I get out of life.
And that's a wrap!