Thursday, June 11, 2009

... and I was hoping when Ken and Beth got here ...

... to finally be able to laugh and relax!

It is cortisol time. I haven't had these many issues to deal with at one time in years. All of them multi-tiered, all of them tying in to my future, with consequence regarding my happiness.

This is a 'sensory overload', but one that isn't the way that the Eclectic Method's way cool remix of 'I Wanna Be Your Dog' inspires.

When I woke up this morning, one of the things I thought I'd do is stop with the 'deep goat thinkin' crap I was doing. In light of recent events, I don't want to be another wild voice in the internet, generating 'interest'. I have enough troubles, and for sure there are black helicopters, interrupted phone lines AND a room 101.

Instead, I was going to dwell on some domestic events that has changed, and made the approach to my departure date a difficult one. My kingdom for a Capt. Sullenberger!


Recently, someone left a comment. Nebraska. THE Nebraska. She also sent an email follow up, of which I will not talk of out of respect for her privacy. What comes of it, remains to be seen. Because once things have changed, THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

I have never seen it happen, the turning of a battle ship or an aircraft carrier, but I do know that it can't be done on a dime. So once I have decided to turn in one way, to suddenly try to go back in the previous direction is problematic. Because sooo much has to go into the inital setting of a course, to then make a decision to alter that course is not done lightly.

The only time something I do seems 'sudden', it is only to other people because they didn't know 'it' was going to happen. I do think I made a tactical error in saying to folks here at the house that I am a 'short timer'. Should have left it out here and then kept on with the keeping on. That is okay, because you live and you learn.


While it may be long, and it may be winding, you have to get back on the road. And what I thought initially was a 'course correction' was more like a bend that a road may take ... sorta like Outer Drive here in the Motor. No matter the twists and the turns, it still leads to the river front (and you know this, maaannn!). I am still on the road, the one meant for me.

Another AOL journal flash back ... there was a journal and I think it was called, 'I am somewhere in your life'. I liked that name, and though more than once I found the entries maudlin, I enjoyed reading it. Mainly, because I wished that I had thought of the title first! Lost track of it in the big migration, but it did what it needed to do for me, I guess.

I was talking to my Army buddy the other day, and she was asking 'what would she be expected to do?', if I had something on the order of the missing money (and further evidence and actions have confirmed the initial suspicions ... it was STOLEN) had happened on 'her watch' so to speak. What was she supposed to do, because as it was, she felt a wave of anger, and could not believe how calm I was.


My feelings for my family are exclusive to me. If you didn't know it, I will say it now, I feel that they let me down. But rather than get lost in the miasma of blame that comes with not facing my responsiblities for my life, I forgave and moved on. I am not going to worry about what I have had to do without ... that is disrespectful to EVERYTHING that I do have and was given.

Besides, I like being me! So I run around like Woofie of 'Mutts', trying to kiss and love everyone ... but who is trying to kiss and love Woofie?

In the glory of the new born sun, beneath the blanket of blue with puffs of white, I have never questioned that there was someone out here in the world, wanting for me. They may not have known before, but they are realizing it now.

That was another 'tease' to get me on this path of mine. And now that I am on it, I won't stray from it.

So I force my 'heart and nerve and sinew... To serve your turn long after they are gone...' as advised, and will pick up my 'worn out tools' to build back all that has been lost.

I have found that because that is my attitude, and it doesn't necessarily include or even allow for someone to help, when I am in my next relationship, I am going to have to let someone help me, and be gracious about their effort. That is part of the deal, when you are in love WITH someone, that they are there too. What happens to you, is what is happening to them. Got to allow them to feel your pain as OUR pain.


You know, I had a real good year between the poles here. While it is unfortunate, some things have had to change, and the changes will affect my timetable. DAG!! Can't get around that, no way, no how. At least it happened when it did, in June the month that I had said if anything was to happen that could change things ...

... besides, if you get what you ask for, how bad can things be?


a corgi said...

love your insight and attitude, Mark. especially when you talk about your family; that you have decided to forgive and move on instead of dwelling on how they let you down. So many with less than stellar pasts (and who has had the "ideal" childhood) lock themselves in that time zone of childhood and can't get past it for the rest of their lives.

I'm sorry to hear that the money looks like it was stolen; whether it was $250 or just a few dollars, still the element of trust is now gone in relationships and causes hard feelings.

Maybe June is a pruning month for you. With the stuff going on with my son's friend who stole, the Lord brought it to my attention that perhaps he was pruning people out of my son's life. One of my prayers for him is that if there is anyone foolish in his life (i.e. making foolish/unwise decisions) that he will come to see that person for who they are and not want to be around them. perhaps there are some in your life that might need to be pruned, as painful as the pruning process may be


Her Side said...

You are right. The turning of an aircraft carrier is a long process... not just the turn itself, but the plans made for the new course. I believe sometimes turning your life in another direction can carry the same weight.

But alas, there are the times we spin on a dime and need the nimble feet of an NBA player. A spouse walking out of the house for good with their stuff is a time you don't have an opportunity to plan a major life turn. They may have slowly been turning their ship, but the announcement and walk-of-shame turn your life in a second.

Congrats on the forgiveness and moving on with regards to your family. My mother and I are in a fresh new phase of learning how NOT to relate. We spoke for the first time today after several weeks of silence. For the first time in my life, hearing her voice was like visiting the dentist. The deterioration is depressing.

omg. Did I enter therapy in your comments? That's about the third time I did that in 2 weeks. LOL

DB said...

We have to stay on the raod meant for us. But we have to keep moving on it. That requires fuel and who knows where that is coming from.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Of course you will be able to relax when we get there next week (wow, that came fast). Time for some down-to-earth time, no drama.

I read Nebraska's comment, and hope that your e-mail exchange helped things. It was a true an genuine reach out to you.

Beth said...

I hope we'll be able to discuss things next week. We'll have plenty of fun, but I'm sure there will be some time for serious chat. And this does sound serious. Hang in there, my friend. Hugs, Beth

Cathy said...

Is it your optimism? Continual smile? Anything "Nebraska" doesn't understand is not your loss but N's and I truly hope you remain the "cat" you are lol. You're perspective is uniquely individual and I've never heard you judge. Who could look for more? About forgiving, it's not really natural in coming is it - not truly a human instinctual act. We hurt so damn easily - I think it's what we do with that hurt which helps defines us, and to forgive is to have figured something out that many have yet to even think of. Kudos, friend.

Joann said...

I hope everything works out the way you want it to, and I hope it's what's best for you.