... to finally be able to laugh and relax!
It is cortisol time. I haven't had these many issues to deal with at one time in years. All of them multi-tiered, all of them tying in to my future, with consequence regarding my happiness.
This is a 'sensory overload', but one that isn't the way that the Eclectic Method's way cool remix of 'I Wanna Be Your Dog' inspires.
When I woke up this morning, one of the things I thought I'd do is stop with the 'deep goat thinkin' crap I was doing. In light of recent events, I don't want to be another wild voice in the internet, generating 'interest'. I have enough troubles, and for sure there are black helicopters, interrupted phone lines AND a room 101.
Instead, I was going to dwell on some domestic events that has changed, and made the approach to my departure date a difficult one. My kingdom for a Capt. Sullenberger!
READERS ALWAYS WRITE!
Recently, someone left a comment. Nebraska. THE Nebraska. She also sent an email follow up, of which I will not talk of out of respect for her privacy. What comes of it, remains to be seen. Because once things have changed, THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
I have never seen it happen, the turning of a battle ship or an aircraft carrier, but I do know that it can't be done on a dime. So once I have decided to turn in one way, to suddenly try to go back in the previous direction is problematic. Because sooo much has to go into the inital setting of a course, to then make a decision to alter that course is not done lightly.
The only time something I do seems 'sudden', it is only to other people because they didn't know 'it' was going to happen. I do think I made a tactical error in saying to folks here at the house that I am a 'short timer'. Should have left it out here and then kept on with the keeping on. That is okay, because you live and you learn.
THE GOAL IS THE ROAD
While it may be long, and it may be winding, you have to get back on the road. And what I thought initially was a 'course correction' was more like a bend that a road may take ... sorta like Outer Drive here in the Motor. No matter the twists and the turns, it still leads to the river front (and you know this, maaannn!). I am still on the road, the one meant for me.
Another AOL journal flash back ... there was a journal and I think it was called, 'I am somewhere in your life'. I liked that name, and though more than once I found the entries maudlin, I enjoyed reading it. Mainly, because I wished that I had thought of the title first! Lost track of it in the big migration, but it did what it needed to do for me, I guess.
I was talking to my Army buddy the other day, and she was asking 'what would she be expected to do?', if I had something on the order of the missing money (and further evidence and actions have confirmed the initial suspicions ... it was STOLEN) had happened on 'her watch' so to speak. What was she supposed to do, because as it was, she felt a wave of anger, and could not believe how calm I was.
SOMETHING I HAVE TO LEARN
My feelings for my family are exclusive to me. If you didn't know it, I will say it now, I feel that they let me down. But rather than get lost in the miasma of blame that comes with not facing my responsiblities for my life, I forgave and moved on. I am not going to worry about what I have had to do without ... that is disrespectful to EVERYTHING that I do have and was given.
Besides, I like being me! So I run around like Woofie of 'Mutts', trying to kiss and love everyone ... but who is trying to kiss and love Woofie?
In the glory of the new born sun, beneath the blanket of blue with puffs of white, I have never questioned that there was someone out here in the world, wanting for me. They may not have known before, but they are realizing it now.
That was another 'tease' to get me on this path of mine. And now that I am on it, I won't stray from it.
So I force my 'heart and nerve and sinew... To serve your turn long after they are gone...' as advised, and will pick up my 'worn out tools' to build back all that has been lost.
I have found that because that is my attitude, and it doesn't necessarily include or even allow for someone to help, when I am in my next relationship, I am going to have to let someone help me, and be gracious about their effort. That is part of the deal, when you are in love WITH someone, that they are there too. What happens to you, is what is happening to them. Got to allow them to feel your pain as OUR pain.
I WAS ON A ROLL THOUGH, WASN'T I?
You know, I had a real good year between the poles here. While it is unfortunate, some things have had to change, and the changes will affect my timetable. DAG!! Can't get around that, no way, no how. At least it happened when it did, in June the month that I had said if anything was to happen that could change things ...
... besides, if you get what you ask for, how bad can things be?