The only thing that I had hoped not to happen, happened today. I got hit and my bike was damaged. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad, messing up the front wheel, but the cat slowly drove away, looking over his shoulder as he eased away from the scene. Just out of range for me to make out his plate.
Called AKA, bless her heart, and she came and drove me home. And for the first time, I hated Detroit. Still do. And it has stretched beyond the '2 minute hate' of Oceania's public square (and just wait ... there are MORE Orewell references to drop in the future around these parts). I vented as we drove home ... and even in that, I found reason to be frustrated with her, for being a part of my issues with the city.
Not only did I have the ONE thing that I hoped that wouldn't happen, it has been the violation of my personal space that has me agitated. Hey, if you want, just read. Please, please, please don't commiserate. That is why I am venting. The point of it is to adjust my course, and get back on target.
My bet is that in a controlled environment, I would be able to manage myself. But before this month, I felt that I could be patient. Today, I feel like I need to do something NOW, not out of impatience but out of necessity.
BEING CAREFUL FOR WHAT YOU ASK FOR
So maybe 'I hurt myself today ... to see if I still feel'. That is the opening lyrics from the Nine Inch Nails song 'Hurt'. The other day when I was riding out, it came on and when I heard it, it reminded me of ... oddly enough, love. I may be losing my freaking memory, but I still have my feelings, and I didn't feel all banged up and sad when I heard this song.
Something about it, the part where it asks, "What have I become? My Sweetest Friend ... Everyone I know ... Goes away in the end ...". Sounds like what a cat (or goth-industial chick) would be moaning about sitting in the dark between sips of hard liqour (Like I would know what folks drink in the dark as they slid down their spiral ... I am still doing candy cocktails ... going to get one to-night!) before Trent continues on -
WHAT HAVE I BECOME, MY SWEETEST FRIEND?
EVERYONE I KNOW, GOES AWAY IN THE END ...
YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL ... MY EMPIRE OF DIRT
I WILL LET YOU DOWN, I WILL MAKE YOU HURT
What made that song sound like romance to me, is beyond me as I look at the words now. I only know what I heard when it came on as I rode my bike. But it did ... and it still does. Maybe not for you, but it does for me.
Charlie Scott played basketball at Lauringburg Insitute. I know because I got a chance to live there for a piece. Charlie Scott was the first black scholarship basket ball player at Carolina. When I was a child, and Charlie was a middling pro for the Suns and the Celtic (don't remember who else he played for) I followed HIM.
So when I ended up in Laurinburg, it felt like I had been there already, if you get where I am going with this. That is what Nebraska is like for me. A place I have already been in my mind, a place that I already 'know'.
Because I feel so scattered, that I am losing the month so I pulled out the Golgol's mentally derranged clerk that I like so much from 'Diary of a Madman'. I wonder what it is that has me identify with such dramatically damaged literary characters. Dante, as he walks with the ghost of Virgil. Another unnamed man raging in obscurity, from Ellison's 'Invisible Man', who I think is the resigned clerk of Golgol's work, the one who decides to live off the grid and insulate himself from the mindlessness of the world. You can hate the player AND the game if not only you don't play, but you got your own game and you are winning at it.
There have been some major, major changes that have come at the top of the month. The number is only three ... my personal security, the Nebraska Concept (in its proper conceptual form ... give you a nickel if you know it... and you are a daisy if you do) and the appearance of a DARKHORSE, suddenly appearing around the turn, running hard with its hooves beating the course sounding like thunder.
YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL ...
... but it ONLY matters if someone wants it. They can come and get me, and lay their claim on my 'empire of dirt'. Who would do something like that?
Not only was it a 'new idea', to open my heart and my life to someone from my past, it also made practical sense. For instance, to hear someone you don't know say that they 'love you', is rather novel. Some may find it disarming. There have been times where I even wonder myself if the person who reads my comments, know how much that I actually care about them. As I told myself when I signed up, and as I told my Army sister and her twin, you got to know that you are saying that you are willing to put your life on the line for this place. The people you love, and the people you less than love.
I think they got it. I don't know if they ever had to put themselves on the line for anyone, but they have seen it done for them ... twice. By my brother and me. That is why with my Best Sister, I wonder what she is up to, because as much as I may want to tell her 'no', if all it would do is make me 'uncomfortable', then I will find a way to manage.
Beneath the stains of time
These feelings disappear
You are somewhere else
I am still right here
When I think about trying to win someone 'back', I think about these words ... being 'still right here' is something that has been hard for me to do. Time eventually eases the pain, and rather than think of things as a 'scar', I think of them as 'signs of character', the kind that make things like the Pyramids of Giza the wonders that they are.
My memories of people have always been in the best light, though with my ex wife, those good feelings are well mixed with 'other feelings', if you know what I am saying. I was worried that my nature would have me 'sparking' for her, but it ain't happenin' captain! But while I see folks in the most pleasant of light, it doesn't mean the same if they aren't 'there' as well. I guess that is part of the appeal ... wherever you are, there you be. And because only one person can occupy a space at one time ...
I had to not just 'go back' to see if Tee Jay was game type, because if you didn't know it, the entire Nebraska Concept is to find my happiness and create the environment where I can be in bliss. That is my choice. Not to put it on chasing an unrequited love ... I have so been there/done that. That is what leaving Detroit is about for me. It could be here, but I don't believe it is.
Riding home with AKA, I didn't rage, but I was venomous. For the first time, I hate this place. I used to joke with Pecan Sandie about the small 'sh*t hole towns' that we'd go thru ... and today, Detroit has become a big one for me. A sh*t hole town, that I will either leave or die trying.
BACK TO WHAT WAS ASKED FOR
I have alluded to wanting to be with someone who doesn't have to question how deep is my love, knowing that if I am done with the crap I pulled in a past life, that I can be 'that guy' for them. That they understand that I have my own 'eclectism' to my life, but I won't let it adversly affect our relationship.
So I thought the trade would be a straight up one, a relationship 'Kobe for Le Bron' deal. That the difference is what will make the deal a winner for both sides, and neither would lose any of their luster.
Most of the folks I have 'notched' have actually been outside of Detroit. Between my ex wife, Jenny (who I got to 'know' in the service), and Tee Jay, there are no one else for me as an adult.
So when I dreamed up this 'ex list', I said that to allow for everyone, whoever took it upon themselves to find me, if they wanted me, they could have me... that is what I said.
And I also put the PONR at 12:01 1Jul09. Looking at my calendar, it isn't 1 July yet, is it?