Tuesday, June 9, 2009



I have been thinking that getting through May as smoothly as I did, that June would be a breeze. But my, oh my, has the first week of June been a doozy!!

Trying to avoid the melodrama that I am prone to according to some (I have been called a 'drama queen' more than once ... but who cares what they think..?), and deal with the next step.

Now I don't know if anyone has experienced the feeling of having 'someone who is THAT someone' come back into your life. Maybe you reached out and found that someone instead of them finding you ... but I wonder what it would be like.

When I think about Mookie, I thought I was THAT someone for her, I sometimes want to do a dope slap. I think it was good what we had, but for what it was worth I also could have had a V-8! It isn't that I found out anything really new about either of us, which on her end, was a very disappointing thing.

I can appreciate that Tee Jay faced me up and said that she wasn't feelin' it. Saved the both of us a lot of trouble, and in many ways let me know that at one time she did really, really care quite deeply for me. Many times (and I am guessing, going on heresy), people let the 'comebacker' commit to something that is doomed to fail. To many reasons why they do it. I do know that guys do it because they have a ruthlessness that allows for them to detach emotionally from the relationship.

So they will let a woman run all over the county to find that one particular pair of Sean John jeans or get a ticket for the show at the Fox. Oh, did I mention she had to get it at a markup because the cat couldn't just see the concert, but has to be in a prime seat, the ones that get gobbled up first by all the scalpers and ticket resale agents?


Co-sign for a loan. Get the car fixed. Buy the latest computer whatever. Cook dinners and find gas money and get pizza and beer when he needs pizza and beer. Maybe Tee Jay could have drugged me along a little, but she didn't. And for that, I am grateful.

Whenever I would think about trying to get someone back, I think about how some cats do kittens that keep chasing after them. I think about how bothered I was by girls who wanted to get back with me, and you can through EVERYONE I HAVE MENTIONED on that pile. And I always remembered the hurt and anguish of their efforts.

I have said it before, Mookie was sort of a penance for me. Am I really going to try to endure and survive the ups and downs of a long term relationship? There could be only one way to find out ...

Somewhere, I have an old column by retired Freep columnist Susan Ager about relationships. In it, she referenced the Clinton mess and the Kirkpatrick saga that took place here. The cat she was talking with told her that he had said to his wife that even if she had an affair, that would not signal the end of their marriage.

I thought that was deep. This is to the other extreme of where I was at, the futility of trying to win back someone. The difference is that in the example in the column, there IS a covenant between the two people. 'To death do you part', not until my feelings get hurt or you keep acting like a jerk when Ohio State whips Michigan.

Being the object of old flames, I had this thought in the back of my mind, that they said that they couldn't put up with certain things. But they did. And while it is neat that they wanted me, I couldn't ever shake the idea that something was broken, and went unaddressed.

I don't think I ever had that lingering shadow dealt with. But I do know that I can try to for the sake of the love that I have for someone, to move past whatever, with the focus on getting to where we are aiming for. But I guess no one had ever asked me how we are going to get past whatever I may have done, or what caused me to do 'whatever'.


Let's be honest for a sec. Nebraska would prolly be amenable to some sort of 'conjunction' between us. And I am like, 'my, how 1990's of you'. I hadn't told her that of course, but that is how I feel. She has a boyfriend in another state. But I think that would be messin' with Sasquatch, and wouldn't make me feel like Mark. And I like feeling like I feel. There has come a point in MY life where banging and bumpin' uglies for the sake of doing it, has lost its luster. Not that I intend to lead a cloistered life, and I may well have to get back on the circuit ... but if I don't have to I don't want to.

Part of my goal is to be who I want to be, despite the obstacles to being that way. I think sincerely that my happiness lies through the difficulties I think I am facing. Since I have 'all the guilt, I may as well have the money too' (Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp in 'Tombstone'). And I do believe that remaking myself is a crucial part of getting what it is I want.

If you have ever stood on the DMZ, you will really see the tension of life. If you asked me, Iraq is a very poorly planned and executed police action, something that is reminiscent of the Imperial Forces subjugation of the planet Tatoonie. And it is with that tension that I stand guard, protecting my hope and dreams against my fears and worries.

When I thought to revisit former flames, I had to include a wild card. It wouldn't be fair to focus everything on Tee Jay, so I did specifically add a clause that allowed me to feel as if I was doing something 'new', and therefore I could honestly say that I am leaving no stone unturned.


This has gotten long. I will pick this up (or not) another time. One question, did anyone here reading know that the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails and covered so hauntingly by Johnny Cash can be turned into a love song, if you 'hear' it the right way?

Discuss amongst yourselves. I am getting verklempt at the thought! Oh, today's song is an accurate barometer of my mood. I am feeling as freakin' good as I look!!

1 comment:

Beth said...

I love your last paragraph!