Wednesday, June 10, 2009



While usually the minimum, there are times where you simply have to suck it up and 'live through' what ever it is. But for me, getting to this point is more like a 'gotta get back into the fight' kind of thing. I am not going to back away from the task at hand. I am going to get to making what I want happen, as much of it as possible, as the tide comes in.

I was trying to find the exact group of email that led to my falling out with Nebraska ... oh, it is official. We are not speaking. I won't allow myself to have a friend that will go ballistic over such minor offense. I get into ENOUGH trouble all by my lonely, as evidenced by the other day. I do not want to worry that someone who I thought was on my side, can flip a switch and be like that. Life is too big a challenge to think that someone you care about will dog you out.

Still feeling as I felt towards my hometown as I did yesterday. Told AKA that when she called later in the evening, that I would prefer to die in a homeless shelter in some strange town before I live and die here. Period.

That isn't anger. That is what it is.


But I have been trying to find THE email that I responded to, where I told Nebraska to 'get over herself'. I can't find it, but going from the words she used to describe some of her more unflattering character traits, that she would be offended by my saying 'get over yourself', is a very bad sign. One of those 'ignore at your peril' kind of things.

There is a kind of pride that people can take when they know something sucks about them. They celebrate it, as if it is an accomplishment to be 'less than'. That is why I let 'the run 'n shoot' fade. Like most 'innovative strategies', life had begun to catch up to it, and it had run its course.

I have been around ... and I have know plenty of women who show some of the traits that has turned me off of Nebraska the person. Again, using myself as the example, you have to wonder how I could be proud of ushering women in and out of the bedroom, walking around with what the kids call 'swagger' at my achievements. But what did any of that mean?


To celebrate hurtful behavouir as if it were an accomplishment, is destructive. Being a 'player' or a 'diva' means that you are so insecure that you have to infect your own personal troubles onto other people and in their lives.

So you can rough talk your friends. Big whoop. That is part of why I don't care for 'The View', because I can't see the point of being cool with you, if I am going to lash out at you publicly. Period, even. There is a way to deal with the people you care about without hurting their feelings, even if it means that you don't agree with them. Show some character.

I realize that this is how I handle things. It isn't for everyone, but I believe in respecting those close to you ... and therein lies the rub. I will and have all of my days WONDERED how close am I to you, when you can lash out at me in anger, unapologetic. Can't say you are sorry for a regrettable choice of words? Would rather strut like a peacock because you can say to yourself, ' well, I guessI told you', and have me think as highly of you as before?

Oh, I think not.


... I was close enough to being wrong than I was right. The bicycle I mean. I got knicked up a couple of times, none too seriously. But the drivers were polite and got my bike repaired.

Yesterday, I was obeying the traffic laws, riding on the right with traffic. The cat sat at the stop sign and did not come out until I approached. There were hardly any other vehicles on the road when he lunged out. And that is where I had my 'negation epiphany' about Detroit.

I am going to have enough challenges to my life. I will not willingly add to them if I don't have to. Living here, I will have to. Period.

The deteration of my relationship with Nebraska is nothing new. In fact, I saw an AOL Journals comment that was left as I looked for the 'exchange', saying that I hadn't spoken about her in awhile ... circa 2007. Eh, it happens as our relationship has had its periods of waxing and of wane. But there is a little something different about this 'break' between us.

And it has to do with the appearance of the Darkhorse, galloping on the outside of the track.


headbitingprincess said...

awww Good luck !!!!

a corgi said...

sorry about you/Nebraska, Mark, are resilent, I know you will continue to make the plans you need to make to continue on the path you want to take with or without her, even if you do continue to decide to move to Nebraska (the state). I think you are being realistic in realizing Detroit is not where you want to spend any more time than you have to while you make plans for elsewhere. A stopping place, but not a holding place forever, I do believe if I am 'reading' you right.


Beth said...

I'm sorry to hear about the falling out. I hope you can eventually make up and be friends again, but if not...? You'll be just fine, I have no doubts of that. Hugs, Beth

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Disappointing about Nebraska, but perhaps there is a sliver of a silver lining - you will now make your decisions independent of the person, it is all about the state (landscape and mind :o)

Anonymous said... dawned on me tonight that this would be the place I needed to come to to find out what was going on with you. Sad to say, although I'm the other party to this, I don't know what's going on with us and this post was sort of a surprise.
I'm leaving this comment as an attempt to reach out....hope we can chat privately....we have too much history to not clear the air Mark.

Her Side said...

Hmmm... I'm getting here late for this conversation. I must continue reading to see if updates came.

And seeing that Nebraska came here and reached out a hand, I hope the private conversations were fruitful...