Meandering ...

Sweating from a short ride, upon which I have confirmed what I have know for quite some time … I am aging rapidly, as I no longer summon the will to work like I should on my conditioning.

            I have the poem, ‘Invictus’ copied and pasted … reading it today, I hope to draw the needed strength from it, to go on and push with the rest of my life.  The thing is, I have refused to learn from my past, and have gone on to repeat the same errors, time and again.

            Reading the poem, I see where the opportunity to truly be the ‘captain of my soul’ I have instead chosen to give in and to accede the proprietary authority of my life to the fates.  And that is contrary to the notion of being ‘the captain of my soul’.

            My birthday would be the early date.  School would be in session, and I can leak out during the day.  I will have to really set a plan up, and purposefully make my next move.  One of the things I should consider, is the true envisioning of my next step.  I am pretty sure that the job market will open up for me.  UPS offering the benefits is too good to pass up.  That would put my health on the forefront of things I need to get done, along with college.

             One day, I will sit down and honestly assess my positioning.  One of the things about being so introspective, is that you carry a conscious … and it prevents you from doing what you may need to do to get across the chasms between peaks.  It basically comes down to doing what is best, even when it isn’t easy…

           

 

 

 

Coolin' the Lava ...

This Charming Man …

 

             It is going to be something, to make the choice that I have made.  Each and every moment seems like an eternity, as well as a look into what could be.

            Thinking about what Micheal/Korvac told Captain America before he slew him in issue #177 of Avengers … “… must be swift, must be brutal …”

            I can’t really think of anything else to say.  This is going to be a closed chapter in my life, just as it had been before.  I don’t know if I will ever be coming this way again, but the one thing that I am sure, is that this is going to be a springboard to another better, and different life.

            First, I have to find out about where I am landing, and what I am going to do when I hit the ground.  This is going to be a case of planning for success, and making the most of the rest of my life.

            Finding a job to make my own pocket change, and to pay for school, will be next, then getting my Army paperwork done.  After that, education, education, education.

            Man, I keep on skirting the issues.  One of the things that have been a major factor in my life is the role of relationships in my life.  This is a particular situation, but looking at the complexities is why I am getting off track.  What is important is what should be important.  And that is going to be something that I admit to myself, which is my ego.

            Being with AKA has a particular gratification that I have always turned away from, with the thought that I owe something else to someone.  The entire act, no matter what I am sharing, of being in love, is essentially selfish.  AKA has said something that I could save her life and I think she may be able to save mine …

            Now, I will have to work for this.  It isn’t something I can expect to happen easily.  And there is going to be some hand-to-hand work necessary.  This won’t, to put it simply, be a clean situation.

            I will need to purchase a couple of tubs for the storage, and then generate some money for the equipment to move.  Getting over the “cowardliness” of how it will be seen on one end, replacing it with the courage that it takes to live one’s life, iswhat is next.

            It just won’t be easy.  Hell, I still “code” stuff to myself.  I have to overcome that.

 

uh...'Uh-Huh Her

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

             Looking at my simple writings, I have come to the conclusion that I haven’t learned from anything.  As at the beginning of my adult life, I am sitting here trying to make a decision in a similar circumstance.  One thing, until I resolve this, I need to stop listening to PJ Harvey’s new cd, ‘Uh Huh Her’!!

             That is why today’s entry bears the title that it does today.  It came into my mind today, and it hasn’t left.  It is the voice for someone who doesn’t know the words, but calls me anyway.  One of the things that I have to start doing, is taking care of what is first for me, and no one else.  That is what brought me to this end, not taking care of business.

             One of the reasons that I haven’t been able to ever really keep a diary as an adult is the repetitive nature of my life, and my mistakes.  Perhaps, by looking back over what I have written, I will correct myself, and make the better decision.

             The answer is simple, really.  The complexities emerge when you have to find a way from one point to the next.  I am lost in doing that.  And that is truly, ‘The Fog of War’.  I have reached the end of my reasonable limits, and have to somehow just let my plans work themselves out, with the high intentions that I have in making them.  Looking over my little words of wisdom, I keep seeing how many of them I have continually violated, even in the time since I have established them as ‘rules to live by’.  This is enough to make a brother go insane.

             So, what do I do now?  It isn’t as much as a ‘what’ as it is a ‘how’.  And finding the courage to make the choice.  I even had someone TELL ME what I should do, unlike the first time.  So, if I can’t find my way out of here, it is truly my fault, and my fault alone.  The complexities truly create a fog, and I cannot tell where I’m headed.  But that is just it, I have to ignore the fog, and accept what is, is still there, just as I knew it to be, and imagined it.

 

            As far as on line goes …

 

            People are really into making their diaries something, aren’t they?  I mean, they take all sort of pictures and they can’t wait to get on line, post them, and then check for responses.  Me, I think it is enough that I have posted.  I mean, eventually I will get into the act, but I really use the diary for what it is, a recording of the ups and down of my life.  I use pseudonyms, but the characters are real, and that is that.

             Well, I am feeling drowsy legitimately, so I will sign off from here …

           

           

 

I have a secret ...

With all my stuff strewn about, I can see that I don't have much at all, and can pick through what I actually want to keep, and can live without.

...which doesn't help in my thinking.  I can make this move, but I must be swift and brutal.  This would be without a doubt, the worst thing I have ever done, no doubt about it.

See, I have made a move with someone who has always been in love with me.  This would be crushing.  I cannot believe I am even pondering making the move ... my stomach is in knots.  This would be akin someone sneaking around on their wife and leaving their children, for nothing apparent to anyone involved or close to the situation.

I would really have to be right about this ... and I think that I would be ... but being here feels right, but slightly LESS right than the leaving option ... I have to get over the guilt and make a choice.

 

this... still ain't right

Everything feels wrong.  But it shouldn't.  The last few days with AKA have hung over me since I have landed in the 517.  What is more troubling, is that I have no reason to be looking back.  But I am.

Stuff like this computer is bound to cause some trouble.  I am going to have to start another screen name and let lil' Mook use that.  The temptation to be mischievious is too great.

I can't explain what I am feeling.  It reminds me of past mistakes, and the similarities are eerie.  I don't want to feel trapped by my past, yet I am still wondering if this isn't somewhere I have been before, and suffered greatly.

Maybe if I was honest with myself, I would do better.  That could be it, I am fooling myself, and in turn fooling with the hearts, minds and lives of others.  I want to be so much to so many others, but what do I want to be with myself?

AKA finally admitted to me, how she feels.  Now she tells me!  I can honestly say that I don't know what I would have done had I had to face her admission prior to me coming to Lansing.

But there is no reason to leave Lansing, at all.  Period.  I am just going to have to face it, and live in the ... the bed I am making??  Maybe that is it ... I should unmake the bed, then make it up anew ...

So it is Mookie against AKA in my mind ... or is it just as I was once called ... an 'emotional terrorist' ... and this is just another case of more evil that lurks in my mind ... what on earth do I want to be, that I am not already??