Thursday, August 5, 2004

this... still ain't right

Everything feels wrong.  But it shouldn't.  The last few days with AKA have hung over me since I have landed in the 517.  What is more troubling, is that I have no reason to be looking back.  But I am.

Stuff like this computer is bound to cause some trouble.  I am going to have to start another screen name and let lil' Mook use that.  The temptation to be mischievious is too great.

I can't explain what I am feeling.  It reminds me of past mistakes, and the similarities are eerie.  I don't want to feel trapped by my past, yet I am still wondering if this isn't somewhere I have been before, and suffered greatly.

Maybe if I was honest with myself, I would do better.  That could be it, I am fooling myself, and in turn fooling with the hearts, minds and lives of others.  I want to be so much to so many others, but what do I want to be with myself?

AKA finally admitted to me, how she feels.  Now she tells me!  I can honestly say that I don't know what I would have done had I had to face her admission prior to me coming to Lansing.

But there is no reason to leave Lansing, at all.  Period.  I am just going to have to face it, and live in the ... the bed I am making??  Maybe that is it ... I should unmake the bed, then make it up anew ...

So it is Mookie against AKA in my mind ... or is it just as I was once called ... an 'emotional terrorist' ... and this is just another case of more evil that lurks in my mind ... what on earth do I want to be, that I am not already??


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