Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Looking at my simple writings, I have come to the conclusion that I haven’t learned from anything. As at the beginning of my adult life, I am sitting here trying to make a decision in a similar circumstance. One thing, until I resolve this, I need to stop listening to PJ Harvey’s new cd, ‘Uh Huh Her’!!
That is why today’s entry bears the title that it does today. It came into my mind today, and it hasn’t left. It is the voice for someone who doesn’t know the words, but calls me anyway. One of the things that I have to start doing, is taking care of what is first for me, and no one else. That is what brought me to this end, not taking care of business.
One of the reasons that I haven’t been able to ever really keep a diary as an adult is the repetitive nature of my life, and my mistakes. Perhaps, by looking back over what I have written, I will correct myself, and make the better decision.
The answer is simple, really. The complexities emerge when you have to find a way from one point to the next. I am lost in doing that. And that is truly, ‘The Fog of War’. I have reached the end of my reasonable limits, and have to somehow just let my plans work themselves out, with the high intentions that I have in making them. Looking over my little words of wisdom, I keep seeing how many of them I have continually violated, even in the time since I have established them as ‘rules to live by’. This is enough to make a brother go insane.
So, what do I do now? It isn’t as much as a ‘what’ as it is a ‘how’. And finding the courage to make the choice. I even had someone TELL ME what I should do, unlike the first time. So, if I can’t find my way out of here, it is truly my fault, and my fault alone. The complexities truly create a fog, and I cannot tell where I’m headed. But that is just it, I have to ignore the fog, and accept what is, is still there, just as I knew it to be, and imagined it.
As far as on line goes …
People are really into making their diaries something, aren’t they? I mean, they take all sort of pictures and they can’t wait to get on line, post them, and then check for responses. Me, I think it is enough that I have posted. I mean, eventually I will get into the act, but I really use the diary for what it is, a recording of the ups and down of my life. I use pseudonyms, but the characters are real, and that is that.
Well, I am feeling drowsy legitimately, so I will sign off from here …