As the Witching Hour Approaches

Went with AKA and her dog to an Art Fair.  Started auspiciously, with Boomer hurting himself getting into the car.  He is a wonderful yellow lab, but is an old puppy.  So he had a limp, and the fair was too much for him.

We headed in early, stopping at a park for an hour sitting in the sun.  I just can't understand ... actually I can, how she can care for me.  I have told her, she is like Elizabeth Shue to my Nicholas Cage in 'Leaving Las Vegas'.  And I have been doing my best Nick Cage too.  But she doesn't seem to be fazed by my erosion.

Anyway, I need to get things together.  The move is going to happen this week, and I am still sitting around in a mess.  Stuff is all half done and sitting in a heap.  I have made my reservation for my truck, and I will call on Monday to confirm it.  There is a moment, where a person can seize control of their life, even in the midst of trials.

Now, the main reason I need to get my head out of my butt is that I know that there is an opportunity coming up, but I am going to miss it, if I don't get a grip on things.

 

Ghost and the Darkness

Well, as quickly as it began, my little scooter era ended yesterday.  It was my fault, shooting out from a construction zone into traffic.  But I wasn't seriously injured, just some bumps and bruising, and a few scrapes.  The entire event took the winds out of my sails.  I feel that I pushed myself just a little too far, and paid the price for it.  So now, instead of my 'Babybird' cd, and chillin', I am sitting up here trying to grab on to something, to remain tethered to my direction.

Mookie was a little worried, and she didn't need to have that put upon her.  She is trying to keep it together, getting ready to go with her sister to Vegas and her first plane flight!  Then I am supposed to be moving in with her, and her little girl.  Not to mention her pressures at work ... her plate is full!

I need to write out what direction I am going to go into.  I will get a little money from my security deposit, and I can't afford to mess that up!  In fact, I may have to let Mookie tell me what to do with it!!

Haven't been out at all yet.  Just a little low.  I should have just went and got that CD from Harmony House!!

...like a Sunday morning

     Rode my little scooter.  I think that I am a tad large for it, but hey ... it is still getting the job done!  I am going to have to get the hang of this, because I don't like the different fonts!

     Man, I feel like I have been so close to getting back on track.  In some respects, this is a slight regression, as I am used to being equals with my partner.  This move, is not one of them.  But if ever I would trust someone, it would be Mookie.  Looking at her, I think that I can honestly say I know what true love looks like.  The way she looks at me, talks to me, interacts with me, lets me know, all I have to do is love her back.  And that is going to be easy, because I do!

     I will have to get used to it, her being in love with me all these years that I have been rumbling and stumbling around the country.  The story is so far-fetched, that it HAS to be true!  Mookie is a super woman, and I will always be grateful that she has kept me in her heart. 

     The biggest problem in my life hasn't been planning or forecasting, but in the execution.  I don't finish things, or display the will while engaged.  This is evident since the life that I once dreamed of, I had held pieces of it, yet did not reel it on in.  I have another such chance now.  Maybe my last.  And so, there can be no indecisiveness, no hesitation.  I must finish off what has begun.  Simple as that.

 

Steady, steady ....

A Grand Don’t Come For Free …

             See, I am tired of all of this confusion in my life.  One of the things I am most tired of, is being strung out on message boards and chatting with people who though they are in places I have been near, or would like to go back to, I am never going to see.

             The problem is, that to see them would conflict with my immediate direction.  Putting things in perspective, I guess it is time that I limit my on line message board-chat schedule.  I sense that people are out there, pretending to be what they wish they were.  This flies against my personal coda.  The echoes of remnants a code of honor, along with the ruins of what I once aspired to be, won’t let me be anything other than what I am.  Or be anything that I was.

             The focus, is, on what I will be, living in the present to create my future.  Deception has no place in building a stable and desired future.  So, my each and every step will be measured against what I want to be, and not against who I was or even what I am.  That is wallowing in the past, and being lost in self-pity for the sake of being less of what you could be.  Living and finding in one’s history justification for being the schmuck you are, and will be.  Learning from it, the past, and one should find the strength to overcome oneself.

             And so, I shall.

             Having had the first reading of my life, and having a reader, generalize in a way specific to me, I feel emboldened, and still hopeful.  I was told that I should not give in, and that I should press on, and stay the course.  It felt strange, because although she was speaking in generalities, it was that she seemed specific to areas of my own interest.  So my heart was beating fast.  I may get one of those charts for my life, and see what it says.  I even have the girl’s card.  I will hopefully get it done before I leave for Lansing.

             Getting ready to take a deep breath, and go on and go forward with a plan, and not some random occurrence.  I want to make my life happen, instead of life happening to me.

Today ... is the day ...

... and so it begins.  I am going to start it today.  So I am here.  I am not uncertain, as much as I am very anxious.  My bud, Teach is in a jam, that I can't help him with.  AKA, has decided to make a move, since I told her that I am going to be leaving town, ne'er to return.  And I am hoping that I am beginning to find my way back to me.

I talkd of being lost since my Mom's death.  But while the grief is there, the underlying factor, is dealing with my family, my siblings.  We aren't exactly close, at least not me to them.  Most of their adolescent/teenage years, I spent away from home, seeming ne'er to return.  When I did, I don't know what anyone thought, as I arrive limping, kicked to the curb by My Delta Girl, and subsequent relations with three girl, the Champ's sister <Champ, from here on>, KaSue, and Pecan Sandie, that I blew up, in a regrettable fashion.

Oh, and my once-promising boxing career, that I have since destroyed completely.

Still, I did have a great chance at settling my life.  I returned to Detroit, and started working somewhere forgettable.  But my Mom, who was under the impression <as I think my siblings were as well> that I had some liquid assets.  They thought, 'he's a pro fighter, he fought on TV ... he has more cheddar than a box of Cheez-its!' 

Nothing, was further from the truth.

So I think that aggravated things and my Mother, struggling and with failing health, gave me the boot, along with my brother, <who I am going to call, after not speaking to him in, what ... 3 years?!?>.  He didn't leave when my Mom gave us papers for eviction, as they weren't filed or stamped, meaning they were just papers.

Rather than accepting them, and asking for further consideration, I left. I lived in Plymouth, then I had some 'finacial difficulties and my 'father' <parenthetical, cause he isn't my bio pops!> let me live in with his new fam, which I sorta grew up with.  Indeed, I left for the Army living with him ... Hmmm ... a trend that I have ignored, and will expound on later, seems so clear now.

My Mom passed in '00.  Man, that was depressing!  Between leaving for Plymouth, and her death, then losing a woman I had met and fell completely in love withas soon as I saw her, who seemed to be the best of everything in my eyes.  This is something that may or may not be revisited, as I am looking forward and not backward.  Though this is for public display, flashbacks are not included, and I have recently been made aware of, are not only erronous, but out of context.  What is with me?!?  It is almost as if I was not there living my own life!!

Anyway, you have to start somewhere.  My hopes and dreams come later.  Y'all take it easy greasy!!