ANOTHER LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

Hope you are doing well.  I think that you are due to a couple of new email addresses, a personal one and a professional one.  You prolly have them already and I simply am out of that loop, but regardless, it is good advice!

That is something that I have set as a goal for our relationship.  I want to be someone that you think of when it comes to regard to your confidence.  I know that I did not feel those comfortable sharing things with other people, whether it was a personality defect on my part, or if there were real signs of risk in trusting other people, I tend to keep things to myself.  Now that I am older, with the gap between generations has grown wider than in generations past, possibly because of technological influence on human relationships, I am even more a believer in making things as simple as possible, which is the crux of David Goggins book, “Can’t Hurt Me”.  Set a goal, do whatever it takes to achieve it, then set another just a little bit higher.  The thing about this method is, we all KNOW the process… we get confused because it is hard.  Sometimes, I think that is something that plagues you (as well as yours truly!).

Right now, at the quarter-life point of your journey, you have some hard decisions to make.  What do YOU want to do with life, meaning what do you want to accomplish without something external to yourself, to give meaning to your actions?  What do you want to be, in that you are the only variable that you can manipulate and factor?  For some reason, I get the feeling that you see yourself as the Princess in one of the Mario Bros. games… waiting to be rescued from something that you could have avoided yourself!  At any rate, you are quickly running out of time, this I know from MY EXPERIENCE at this point and time in my life.  I knew that I was about to embark on what would be the project to truly live my dreams… and I was unable to do that.  I do not want that for you. There has been too much talent and investment made in you for you not to be a high achiever, in that you have the power to live a noble life of your own choosing.  But there is one provision that cannot be avoided… whatever life you lead, it will only be positive if you positively work to make it that way.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, will be given to you of your dream, you will have to work for it.

Sitting from afar, I wonder if you have it in you, the will to make your life happen.  I am not criticizing you or trying to nag you… I have to do the same!  In fact, I am going to enroll in school in January and finish up what has become an albatross around my self-esteem.  The thing about happiness is that it always comes with a price… and it depends on how much it means to you as far as what it costs.

Anywho… I am talking in circles now… and fortunately, my class is about to start!  Hope you are well.!!

Love & Rockets!

Dad

CO-PARENTING IN THE TIME OF CORONAVIRUS

KT,

It is almost midnight and I am not in the least bit sleepy.  While anxiety is part of my diagnosis, I wonder if the source of my late night is ACTUALLY one of the emergent conditions of CTBI.  I say that because nearly everything that could be a symptom are traits that may not necessarily be singularly identified as such.  In fact, I often ignore telling myself that a particular behavior or some kind of mental failing is due to my condition, because f*ck THAT!

Anywho, what I do know is that you have been on my mind for some time.  The pandemic has shut down everything… I was so looking forward to watching you walk across the stage!  But with things being what they are, I felt that this is a time where I should talk to you about my college experience and the impact that an irregular event had on my LIFE.

See, in ‘92 I was really doing well as an amateur boxer.  I won the Carolina Golden Gloves and went to Knoxville, Tennessee to box in the regionals.  I was unable to make it through, but I still had a chance to make the Olympic Team by winning the Olympic Trials box-off.  This meant I would have to beat up people in Carolina and then I would be on my way to Marquette, Michigan to the next round of qualifying.  Even had I not made it through, I would have had a lot of boxing people get to look at me and maybe someone would have tried to set me up as a boxer.  Anywho, I had won the first fight that I had and I was confident that I was going to beat up the guy who stood between me and the Carolina berth to the Olympic Trials.

BUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS…

Most Olympic Trial competitors are made up of teams and groups around the athlete that makes sure that all the athlete has to do is compete.  My experience was not like that.  I drove down by myself from Greensboro to Wilmington, had to find my own hotel and figure out how to get around town, to where I needed to go for the boxing match.  I did that, and for the first night, I was golden.  I met my weight and was able to meet and represent myself in the appropriate meetings.  Later, I would beat up the cat for my first fight, and I had advanced to the next round.  BUT, as a fighter, I was not allowed to go to the coaches’ meeting, and by not finding out the details for the next day, I was not informed about when the weigh-in for the next night of matches.  Missing the weigh-in meant I would not be allowed to continue my Olympic dream.

I had taken spring semester off because this was going to be one of the biggest reaches at the brass ring on the Merry-Go-Round of my life.  This, I had told myself, was my “golden ticket”, my chance at a new life, dreams of becoming famous and having a gold medal hung around my neck.  At worst, I would be seen by boxing people and might have caught the eye of someone who was looking for a good fighter.  But all of those dreams, along with the dreams I did not know that I had, would be altered forever.

So now, in the time of COVID-19, your graduation has been delayed… and I am assuming that you are not sure of what is going to come of your senior year of college.  And this is how my experience and your “Graduating In The Time Of Coronavirus” sorta kinda dovetails.

Whatever it is you have going on in your life right now, do NOT lose your focus.  Identify the things that you are SURE OF in your life are the things you want to accomplish AT ALL COSTS.  I, not only did not do that, but throughout my life, have not been able to do so.  If I had your Mom’s talent for focus and goal setting and achievement, then who knows what our lives (because if I was THAT KIND OF GUY, I would have married her, at the very least, stayed in Carolina for the both of you) would have become.  But my penchant for distraction and whimsy, eventually brought me to Omaha.  I still have that penchant for whimsy (me moving to Georgia… more on that another time) so it is not like where your “maybe” is far from my ability to identify with you.  Saying “whimsy” is being kind to myself, because that is not an adjective that one should be using when describing the process that they use to arrange their thoughts, their life.  Existence is unkind to indecision.  The life that I have led is proof of that.

You do not want to have to live with a question that you should have answered when you first faced it.  You do not want to count on being able to continually find another chance to make something of yourself,  which is the knowledge that you can gain in only one way… through failure and disappointment.  The only reason that I can say this, obviously, is through my life experience.  This is the curse of the half-a** ghetto philosopher… having an understanding of “the why” my thoughts have brought me here, and in spite of the life that was foreshadowed, ending up being in this space anyway.  That is not what I want for you, to understand and being satisfied with knowing better and never really having done better.  You  deserve better than that.

I go back to missing my weigh-in and living my life without KNOWING.  I do not know what I could have been because of my own actions.  Something that I had full control of, a future of unknown positive possibilities, and I blew it.  Not missing the shot at the Olympic Team, but taking full responsibility and control of my life.  THAT is what I really missed.

See, none of your dreams and hopes are at risk.  You can still choose and make the life that you want.  You have AGENCY.  Stay on course, focus on achieving the things that you want.  Make that your prime directive.  I do not want you to end up living a life of compromise.  You have too much potential, too much ability, to live your life as a “woulda, coulda”.  Dream big, reach high, WORK HARD.  Get focused… do not worry about the things that do not fit conveniently with your goals and dreams… do not be discouraged when you have to work hard for the things you want (and if those “things” are people, let them go… but that is not this note..!).  Keep on the path, make sure you are still on YOUR PATH, and do the most you can to live a fulfilling life.

I love you more than anything I have ever loved in my life.  You are so precious and I do not care who knows it!  Be careful, do not let people breathe on you and for goodness sake, WASH YOUR FACE AND HANDS!  Anti-bacteria stuff does NOT protect you more from the virus… soap BREAKS DOWN AND DESTROYS THE VIRUS.  This may or may not be a permanent thing, unless the meeting at the Bohemian Grove decided to--

Love you lots and lots!!

Dad

THE GOAL OF THE PARTY

VICTORY ON THE AFRICAN FRONT

Someone who can put the seemingly coincidental and totally abstract concepts of what civilization means into words better than I can (not could… heck, quantum mechanics allows me to make the case that since I COULD HAVE then it is possible that I STILL AM THAT PERSON somewhere in reality and that this take on the topic IS the best of all possible takes..!) should be trying to describe what is on my mind.  This is also going to be a divergence from my general take on my life and the course I am heading.  I think that things have been coming into a sharper focus and I need to get those thoughts down and bring them into reality.

KT has chosen me to be the emotional side of her parental unit.  She is comfortable telling me things about her life that I think makes us friends as well as a parent/child unit.  But, we have never had the opportunity to live together, so I have always felt a little awkward that I am one of, if not the bestest of her friends.  This is a place of honor that I have always cherished but kind of felt guilty about.  She has never been around me when I am going through stuff… unlike with her Mom and family in Carolina.  Sometimes her emotions are centered on being alone in and with her thoughts.  I have wondered if this, along with other things, are traits that she has no model for their identification because she did not grow up with having the other half of the genetic material that created her.  She has never seen how I handle things and how my mind takes the illusions that make the reality I live in.  

With the virus worry that is gripping the nation, I sort of had a moment this week.  My current “partner-in-training” has suggested that I should get an Iphone, so that I can do facetime with KT.  She offered to let me use her phone to call and look at my daughter as we spoke and I did just that!  But this was on Tuesday, when my anxieties reached their crest height… precisely when I wanted to speak to KT.

One of the things that I have been grateful for is the relationship that we have.  It is a real thing, tangible.  Yet, never having lived with anyone display the kind of traits that makes her feel isolated, calling her in my state-of-flux, was a touchstone moment for the both of us.  I remember how loneliness would creep upon me when I was her age… the biggest difference between us is that I expected what I have encountered (for the most part).  Also, by sharing my “moment” with her, I feel it brought us closer, maybe even more than I could imagine.  

Some of the factors that made my moment happen is due to how I process the world around me.  I am likely the last person to dismiss someone out-of-hand, especially if I cannot be any more definitive about a thing than they are.  Yes, there is a corner bookshelf in my mind where I store my “conspiracy paraphernalia”.  It is not a lot of stuff, but they tend to have a few things that I believe allows them to cross the “common sense barrier” and enter into the realm of possibility.  This, the coronavirus, is one of them.

Look, I get it.  The Chinese have weird meat sources… everyone on a continent not named “Antarctica” have humans that eat strange food… and that is because we, humans, are OMNIVORES.   To point to another ethnic group and question their diet is small-minded.  I have been wondering for years when folks will get theirs from pig’s feet and head cheese.  There are SOO MANY WEIRD FOODS in the western diet that leaves no room to talk about the dietary habits of other people in the world, whose diets are based less on convenience and more on sustenance.  As I try not to get all Chomsky in here, the profit motive shapes and curates the food that we eat as well as our dietary habits in the States.

So with that as a starter point, it would not be long before I was at the collapse of civilization( or at least what we consider “civilization” to be).  I saw (see?) governmental overreach as the low-information voter would be ready to cede their freedoms if they were promised a little bit of help.  I also can see where the divide between different social factions would drive the group divide even deeper, and more fractured.  And I am going to pause for a personal tangent, one that I hope sets up where I plan to go and get closer to the heart of my anxieties.

It is very easy to dispel people who believe in conspiracy theories.  While they seem to defy logic, what many seem to fail to realize is that there are roots strong as the ones that give life to Yggdrasil.  And as with really deep roots, one can only wonder how far they run.

First, there is always some truth in some of the conspiracy ideas that people flaut.  My Mother would roll her eyes at my cousin and me as we would go on about some (to her) half-baked theory or explanation of a politically-driven motive of the United States.  I know that when I was a kid and trying to get into Noam Chomsky among others, combing his work with Orwellian theories about the State, and other futurists who saw how grim things could become, I stopped throwing away the “rantings” that I would hear… because in many of them, a shred of truth was contained, and THAT is where my “what ifs” would begin to trouble me.

Second, like I have mentioned, there is enough “X-Files” truth to some of the ideas that one would be induced to take a closer look down the rabbit hole.  You don’t think that the Government would not risk lives to experiment on people that it felt was expendable and the profit motive gave reason enough to do so?  The Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment was a “thing”.  COINTELPRO was a “thing”.  And those are a few of the more mainstream crimes that Big Bro--, excuse me, THE GOVERNMENT have committed against citizens, citizens that a shadow group in power deemed unnecessary.  So when the “wake up, sheeple” cries are sounded, I have my own vetting process to go through before I consider Alex Jones to be a tool of the very system he is claiming to fight.  Sooo….

The highlighted part of this entry is from the linked thread on another blog.  Is Evangeline Lily, C-list actress, brilliant?  I am not in a position to say so.  She sounds like a libertarian from Cheyenne to me.  But, in her comments I hear Ben Franklin… and in my bones, I feel the confirmation from being proof of the treachery that “Those Who Sit Above In Shadow” will commit in the name of power and domination.  Anywho, I saw what she said and immediately thought of the words of one of the nation’s founders.  The thing that I wonder, before people write her off as one of those wacky Hollywood stars, do some due diligence, you know, YOUR JOB AS A REPORTER and find out WHY she feels that way instead of a sensationalized sound bite.

STUART

I cannot begin to grasp how many times I would listen to this song in lieu of a conversation with another person.  A good friend of mine from this era would always bring up this “weird song” and say that I was “in search of a Stuart” to share my ravings with.  I did not care then, and I care even less than I do now.

At the start of the previous decade, there was the “Great War To End All Wars”, as well as the Great Depressions, to give character to the 20th Century.  What is the beginning of this century going to foretell?  We race even faster to the more dystopia, a blend between “1984” of Orwell and the “Brave New World” of Huxley.  They are simply different sides of the same coin, leaving little to no hope for the great masses of men.

So I formally apologized to KT.  I feel like my generation did not do enough to maintain the class freedom for her generation.  She is super smart, very beautiful, and sometimes, she even talks as though she has a head on her shoulder and there is something functioning in it!  The anxiety in me has been dialed back a bit, and I will get back to building my 5-year plan, and I use that phrase with NO IRONY AT ALL.  We are going to be in Georgia, I am going to die with my daughters and near my sisters, and that is what I will focus on.  And yes, I am still that, “poor pro black ni**a”

RANDOM BUT NOT SO RANDOM THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT

BRIEFING

I lost my third phone this past year over the weekend as I went to Target to pick up a storage bin for some odds and ends that I have sitting on my bed.  Que sera, as I “knew” better than to push for the jump to Target.  The Maybe Miss offered to take me, which changed in mid-stream to “pick me up from the store”.  Not that there was anything wrong with her picking me up as the situation had changed, but it was a deviation from my own intention and plans.  At any rate,  I would like to find a phone case that I can hook to my carabineer key ring, but I have not found one that would allow me to do that as of yet.

On my post about the Warrior Run I was asked how a person can increase their speed as they run.  While the quick answer that comes to mind is “to run faster”, it is not as easy as all that.  If you run on your own, it is difficult to push the pace than it is when you have a person who is faster than you are setting a pace.  But that is not a sure thing, as the person setting the pace could pace you into exhaustion.  And the treadmill gets BORING!  I could not imagine running at a static pace for too long a time.

Since I am an “urban” runner, when I run I try to use different landmarks for my “fartlek” or speed play running.  Maybe I will run extra hard for a block or maybe I will sprint for half a block during my run.  Also, I try to be cognizant of my turnoverrate and stride when I want to run faster. But most important, is my will to improve on my previous time.

I have kept time and details about the route that I run for my entire athletic career.  The times that I have now go back as far as the mid-90’s.  That is another way that a person can improve their performance, by tracking their times and how they felt during the run. Speaking of running, I really need to get off of my duff and hit the road!  I have been super slack the first six months of the year.  For me, running during the hot weather is a challenge, but when I have not been running in a while is far more risky than if I was starting out in the cold weather.  Heat stroke is a lot sneakier that frostbite!!

Though it started out cloudy on Saturday, the skies cleared and both Saturday and Sunday afternoon was pretty.  But I was worried Flat Ruthie would get wet on Saturday and Sunday, it was well enough that I found my way back home safely!!  But when KT is here, we will go places a-plenty!  I am looking forward to taking her to places I have been saving to share with a special person and she is most definitely a special person in my book!!

RANTING AND RAVING AGAINST THE MACHINE

I have not talked about the Single Mother’s Club or the Sisterhood of Bitter Black Women in a while, mainly because I have not had to deal with any of them directly or in principal.  The main thing about the categorizations is not about my disdain for women who are in either or both groups, but the stereotypes and contradictions that they cling to, which inevitably begins their swirling descent into a vortex of self-fulfilling prophecy.

There premise that women have a harder row to hoe and therefore are superior is inductive reasoning at its worst.  Ginger Rogers may have been a superior dancer to Fred Astaire in a given circumstance, but, in saying that she was a superior dancer and making the comparison with motherhood/women’s competence socially/societal, it is only a valid inference if a woman IS indeed “Ginger Rogers”.  Additionally, men in general and specific, would also have to fail to be “Fred Astaire”, given that the meme is used to measure competence not just as an individual, but as a partner in a relationship, too.  Me, I prefer to go LloydBentsen and state the obvious about women, in that “I knew Ginger Rogers, and she was a great woman.  You, ma’am, are no Ginger Rogers!”

I have little empathy for women who are not only not the mythical superwoman that they envision themselves of being, but who perpetuate the same kind of nihilistic behavior in relationships that keep them and their counterparts at a “competitive disadvantage” when it comes to finding a partner.  To wit: the sense that make a single Mother immutably more capable and sympathetic than the non-custodial Father is horse-hockey!

My starter wife was worried that our girls would “like me better” and would chastise me for “thinking” (in her small imagination, she had convinced herself that…) I thought I was a better parent than she was.  The small and petty obstacles that she erected between me and our daughters go unprovable as how do you quantify that kind of thing?  It is heresy and sounds like sour grapes, so it goes unsaid.  Not only has that, the judicial system and society demonizes the non-custodial parent.   

From my perspective, the moral smugness of single Motherhood is as unjust as the situations that set them in their circumstance.  Starting again with my starter wife, who did not think as a single Mother that she would ever get married, got married to me.  Now if she had wanted a marriage as badly as she told herself and her coven of SMC or BBW, then all she had to do was stop beating me.  Oh, and stop being jealous of me.  And then there is … in short, she needed to get the f*ck over herself or find a therapist to help her with her issues!

THEN THERE IS THE WAY TO TALK WHEN YOU WANT A JOB

Now being separated is not the ideal way to raise children but if you are going to put in the, wait for it, LEGENDARY effort that single Mother’s are known for, it can be worked out.  And here is the motivation for the post.

I received a Father’s Day email from Lexxie this past weekend.  Not that I was overwhelmed or anything, or taken with any feelings of verklempt, as that sort of thing doesn’t really impacts on me.  I mean, I will say and do what I am supposed to do, and hopefully that brings the person some fulfillment.  The fact that I was thought about usually is enough, but in Lexxie’s case, there is more than meets the eye.

Since I have seen her last in 2010, her and her Mom has been mostly incommunicado since I have been in Omaha.  Calls to all the number that I have for them have been unreturned as well as dozens of emails.  I was just going to call the Social Services in Carolina to see if they had an address or any information on them.  The email allowed me to breathe and feel comforted that they are not dead, just ignoring me for whatever reason they have for doing so.

While younger, like Skye, Lexxie is old enough to make up her own mind about whether or not she wants her Father in her life.  But again, thinking about how society would have you believe of the sacrifices that Single Mother’s make for their children…

Now Nixxie and I were both friends before we began to bump uglies, so when we became pregnant, we had that to fall back on.  Pecan Sandie has always been a bit unstable, so her not keeping in touch is truly par for that f*cking course.  But Nixxie and I have always had an amicable relationship, through her pregnancy and obviously since we have had our daughter.

We talked about how things would go between us as parents and the kind of relationship we envisioned for me and our daughter.  For the first seven years of KT’s life, I would get in my car, whether in Georgia or the Motor, and drive to spend a few weeks with her and KT.  While this was something that grated on Sandie, it was something that I think Tee Jay would respect me for, as well as something else for my starter Wife to hate on.

I still remember the spring that I told Nixxie that I could not swing a visit to Carolina.  That would be the summer that I would learn that seven (going to be eight!) were allowed to fly!  And then when I would enter a relationship with Mookie Dee, KT  and lil’ Mook blended right on in together.

OR SO THE GERMANS WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE

The last time I saw my middle daughter was the summer that saw me lose my darling brother.  Mookie Dee, for whatever reason, decreed that KT could not sleep with us, if for no other reason than, “she does not allow that”, claiming that she did not let her daughter sleep with her after she turned 8 or 9.  Me, on the other hand, knowing that at 11, this was prolly the last year she would want to sleep with her Father, agreed.  That is a big regret right there.

For the last five years I have been mostly bouncing around, briefly holding onto possible stability in the D.C. Metroplex, before I got to where I am now.  And while I have some other thoughts about my journey, what I am mostly thinking about is the joy that I will have when I go to Eppley Airfield this Saturday to receive my daughter.  This post was mainly generated out of the bullsh*t of single Motherhood and its exalted status in society.  It is not that the men that were a part of creating a child(or –ren) were totally bullsh*t, but sometimes, the single Mother’s themselves are bullsh*t too.

I know how fortunate that Nixxie and I have the kind of relationship that we do and that our daughter has both a Mother, a Father, AND a step-Father in her life.  It makes me wonder at those whose claim to measuring their relationship with a man is based on “the kind of role model” he will be, continually f*ck that sh*t up, and they ignore the impact that it has on the spirit of the household.

Of course, all of THIS may too be bullsh*t, but it is my blog and my bullsh*t to own!

MORE WORDS... NOTHING SPECIAL

BACK TO SCHOOL

Went to pick up my books and I guess I am all set for the next term.  Got the same instructor for my Algebra class, so at least I know what I can expect in that class.  Human Relations is something I don’t have a good idea of what it is about but I am sure I will do well in the class.

It felt good walking through the buildings on campus and seeing familiar faces with the glint of recognition reflected in their eyes when they fell on me was comforting.  It added to the sense of belonging that I have felt here in Omaha since I landed here 2 ½ years ago.

The break was well-needed but it was not without some incident.  Had an attack of the gout (man that sounds so old!  I keep thinking I am in the 1800’s when I say that!) in the first week I was off.  Because it settled in the day after I did some heavy squat weights, I thought that maybe it was residual soreness from the workout.  But it would worsen and the pain was crippling to the point where I thought about calling for help to get to the hospital.  I decided instead to self-medicate since I have a cornucopia or prescription pain relievers on hand, and once I found what brought relief, I was good.  My doctor’s appointment is next Friday and to be sure, I am going to make certain that he address that particular ailment!

                          

I AM HER DA

One down, one more to go!  Nixxie and I were able to make arrangements for our daughter to come to Omaha for the summer.  So with that settled I can work on finding out if Lexxie’s Mom will let her come west for a couple of weeks.

My relationships with my girls Mother’s are like the relationship the porridge had to “The Three Bears”.  One is too hot (Pecan Sandie), the other is too cold (My Ex-wife).  Only one is close to being “just right” and that is the one that I have with Nixxie.  So it is not about me playing favorites as much as we have been able to set aside “whatever” and let our daughter have both of her parents.

The first time I heard someone call their father “da”, it was when I went home on a school break with Delta Girl back in the way back.  I had never heard anyone refer to their father as “da” and I thought of it as a local or regional thing, like the difference between “pop” and “soda”.  It made me think that it was a little less formal and a little more affectionate to use “da”.  So my heart melts when KT calls me that, and it flows so easily in her conversations with me that I have no doubt how she feels towards our relationship.  Lexxie is pretty much the same way but her Mom and I have some differences and when it comes to Skye, what more needs be said about that relationship?

I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?

Not that I am insecure about myself but I do like to get feedback on how I come across to people, because I want to be sure that I am communicating as the person that I think that I am.  That is one of the great faults of egoists that they are unable to withstand critique and grow from what they learn from outside observations.

When I ask if I am being too harsh or if I am guilty of extreme bias, it is so that I can question and test what I believe and my opinions against those of others.  I am not cool with myself just because I am cool with myself, but because I am not so enamored with myself to where I am excused from the same kind of judgments that I use measure the opinions of others.  Every so often I feel like I have wandered “off the reservation” and need to find myself back to where I belong!

So that is what makes the opinion and regard others have of me relevant, as it helps me to attain balance.  I don’t have such a fragile ego to where I am instantly thrown into a spiral when I am told something bad about myself.  Nor do I allow myself to become light-headed at a compliment. 

AnyWHO… got to get my backpack set up for tomorrow.  And why is there another Eddie Murphy movie out?  Who green-lighted THAT?!?  I think it does not bode well for a movie with one of the funniest lines (at least in the commercial I saw) is racist in nature.  I am jus’ sayin’…

            

DRAMAMINE

I have taken to including music in my entries more regularly now than I think I have in the past. A lot of it is to add to the readers experience, listening to stuff that maybe some aren't familiar with or hopefully creating a bridge to which we connect and identify with one another. For instance when I put up the video of the Talking Heads not too long ago, I know a couple of cats 'n kittens mentioning how much they enjoy the stylings of the Talking Heads.

One of their songs is another touchstone song for me and one of the comments mentioned that it had significance for them as well. I think that the enternal struggle of the imagine middle class male is aptly portrayed in the video and the song 'Once In A Lifetime'. It is my second most favorite song and it still sends tremors through my body when I hear it.



I still remember looking forward to being strung out with mortgage payments, college loans, and trying to pay for dancing lessons that don't seem to be taking and schlepping around in a dreaded mini-van while some Johnny Football player is driving around in his Dad's ZX and complaining that he didn't get the new Mustang he was hoping for.

Anyone else remember the movie 'Falling Down' with Michael Douglas? He was clearly a man who would not take it anymore. I wonder how different his frustrations with the world at large is different from any of the Tea Baggers or any of the voiceless urban cats, who are wondering when someone is going to speak for them. The other day there looked to be hundreds of people at branch of the Michigan Employment Agency, to apply for a new supplier to Chysler. They had only 150 positions available and I ran into people who were thinking that they were applying for Chrysler. The desperation on some of the faces of the folks made my heart hurt.

Another reason that I have been including more videos is there is an epic sadness dogging me and I haven't quite been able to shake it. The lure of the 'Great American Southwest' for me has been that it is a place you could disappear in and the isolation isn't relative, but real.







I think that I would like a 'weekend pass' or something where I can forget some of what I am experiencing. Sometimes I don't think I am moving forward at all, even when I know that I have done all that I can do at this time. The impatience of finally being in my own space and being able to not sit around naked (because I think that is weird, even though I know folks do enjoy being able to be in their birthday suit... as much as I dig mine, I still can't bring myself to walk around 'nekkid' in my own space!) and bake cookies and not be reminded of... things... and people.



The better times, maybe the best of my times have seemed to be when I was alone and in pursuit of my space, the volume of life that I am supposed to occupy and measure.



Since my daughter hasn't released her phone number to me, I will keep my infernal Facebook profile on. I have had one special someone ask if I was doing alright... and I think that the answer right now is that I am not. Not that my blues are any 'bluesier' than anyone else's, it is the interminable wait as things wind their way through the system and then the stupid finances of getting from here and getting to Omaha and settled.



I mentioned Nixxie sent me pictures of our girl... in the conversation that we had that day, she asked what will I be doing this summer... KT is free ... if I was in Nebraska then we could go halfsies on plane fare...

Haven't shared a picture of her out here before... but she is such a beautiful girl. Lexxie still haven't got around to sending me our pictures, but once she does, I may post it too. She looks like her Mom in this shot but she really DOES favor me.

Maybe I will get to the question that my nephew asked me the other day... that has been lingering on my mind too.

And if anyone actually reads down this far, they should give themselves a pat on the back and consider this their humanitarian deed for the month..!