G - FORCE!

THE CHANGES KEEP ON COMING

A few months ago, I pissed off one of my dearest online friends.  She was upset with me because I made a comment that I fully knew that she would find incendiary.  While the question of, “why would you purposely say something that you knew would make someone upset?” is valid, I would have countered, at that time, anywho, with, “That is what I do  and who I am.”  But the incident and my  uncomfortableness with it, that set things in motion came off awkwardly, and the exchange between afterwards felt clumsy.  Yet, however awkward, I pressed the issue and I would end up being “unfriended”. The emotion that I felt upon being unfriended, was, for me, strange.  It was one that was akin to a loss, much along the impact of saying good-bye to those who were among your graduating class in high school.  The point of the matter, my pose of “me being me” and this new sensation caused me to reflect on what was going on.  I did offer my apology, sincere and heartfelt, and it would be accepted.  But she still isn’t my “friend” and the department in my mind that is in charge of responsibility for my actions accepts the result of my mistake, emotionally, I was left feeling some kind of way about things.

See, the exchange was one that I once had found to be typical of my interactions with people.  I had long believed that I was immune to the emotional connections that people make with one another.  The kid that I told to, “enjoy your family and friends”, when we left AIT at Christmas when I was in the Army, that moment, defined how I felt towards people.  See, I never understood what it was about me that drew people to me.  I only know that people are drawn to me, in spite of what I thought the Motor instilled in me, and that people see in me, something that I exude in spite of myself.  The exchange with my online friend would set off a cascade of emotions that led to my making decisions and pondering a philosophical paradigm shift, which is why I have not been able to journal.  My internal landscape has drastically changed, and I am still sorting out what is what.

First, I had to reflect on my identity.  I had to ask myself if the standards that I was using to identify myself were valid and useful to me.  Much of who I am was developed when I was teenager, which flies in the face of the Ali quote about “a man who sees the world at 50 as he did at 20, has wasted 30 years of his life.”  I understand the truth of these words, but I felt that I was immune to that thinking.  Rather, or so it seemed to me, I felt that the world was evolving and that I was already there.  From growing up with a gay younger brother, having faced questions of nearly all facets of my character, and not shirking the responsibilities, as well as the contributing traits of my failings as a life partner, I did not think that, socially, seeing the world with a “y’all caught up” attitude was a failing.  But pride goeth before the fall, and the exchange that I had with my friend sent me into a period of reflection, one where the question of being the person that I was, was now, on the table.  Was I still, “Mark, the much hated”, or was I something else.  The pain that I felt for losing the friendship of a person that I have never seen and only know through technological means, said to me that I was now, “someone else”.

I’VE BEEN REBORN SO MANY TIMES…

The persistence of identity is one of the questions that makes the lesson of “The Ship of Theseus” the thought experiment and the philosophical paradox that it is.  Are we who we were moments ago, are we who we are now reading these words, or is it the person that is somewhere in a space and time that has yet to come?  Hell, the idiosyncratic trait that adopted the header of this section of my entry, who WAS that person as well as the person that he was attempting to describe??

Back in November when I was hoping to be blogging more or less regularly, it was because I could sense a “change of things” coming my way.  Nothing particular or dramatic was on the horizon or anything like that, but one thing that I have always been able to trust in was anticipating “when the party was over”.  One of the things that I have had to trust since I had my brain injury confirmed, is this sensing when the winds begin to shift in my life.  Rather than waiting until something occurred to give the coming change more substance, I chose to act. 

It was in the midst of the changes that kept on coming, so fast and hard that I could not process the happenings and journal, I could only let the forces that drew me along, flow and draw me downstream from where I was… and from WHO I was.

Leaving Pinnacle Fitness confirmed for me the uncomfortableness that I had when I fell out with my online friend.  It was more or less instantaneous, this feeling that I felt with Babz, that not only was I wrong for offending her, but that I WAS NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.  I was someone else, and it was a new person that reached out to her and gave a personal apology.  The feelings that I have been flowing through me for most of the last year has been my coming to awareness that I was truly becoming a different person, a different Mark.  It was something that I experienced as members came back to visit me, a custodian, over the Christmas holiday, as well as the heartfelt goodbyes that came with them.  The personal conversations that some of the guests chose to have with me…  I mean, what is it about me, some old underachiever who was living on the margins of society, made them feel comfortable sharing the messy details of their own comings and goings?  Who did they think that they were talking to??

I wish that coming to this conclusion did not mean losing Babz facebook friendship.  Still, change is often spurred by the need to overcome and I was comfortable with the character I had erected for myself.  Now, I am uncomfortable with what I have set out for me, and that is a good sign.  The hallmark of progress is the risk of failure and reaching beyond the reach failure, and grasping the potential of becoming the person that I intend on being.

BACK TO BASICS

OUR ROMEO…

I am striving to fix my attention on the things that need my attentiveness the most.  For instance, I would rather plan for my classes both at the Pinnacle Fitness Club and in Papillion, but thoughts of “stuff” precisely the thoughts that I left the Motor to avoid, are cluttering my mind.  Given the preoccupation of my mind, the brain is unable to focus on the work that need to be done.  That said…

A few years ago I found this website, “Wait But Why?” is ran by Tim Urban and he even has a TED Talk about the topic that is at heart of my absence from my journal… procrastination.  He made a series of blog posts about “the why” of the subject and how to avoid the tricks and traps of the instant gratification monkey that lives inside of all of us.  When I started including Kitty into my life, I found that my time for myself began to shrink and I made the executive decision to let my “internet life” go into hypersleep whilst I focused my energies in my real world activities.  Soon, all I had were the small, niceties, of my life to content myself with, as I felt less and less productive with the construction of the life that I hoped to live.  Remembering Tim’s talk, I have decided to adopt some of the discussed principles and apply them to my life.

One of the things that I will HAVE to adopt is scheduling.  Going randomly from task to task is an easy way to become bogged down in the doldrums… the niceties of life.  And in observing Schopenhauer and what can be found in them, such as where a man’s character resides and how prone one is to being a scoundrel (or a**hole… take your pick, as they are too similar for me to make a distinction between them) or someone who you can place trust and faith in, is quite important when you are planning a “grand undertaking”, the operative word being “grand”, because as long as it is an accomplishment of major distinction to you, it is grand enough to be designated as such.  Yet, without a schedule, the “grandness” of your objective is not even a dream that becomes deferred, but something worse… a pipe dream, whether in a hookah or a crack one, may as well be a wish.

So I am going to be producing an entry a week, most likely either Thursday or Sunday.  Occasionally both days, but definitely one of them (unless noted), and it will be low on the ditherings of my social life.  While you can never return to a place, I do long for my initial time of solitude when I arrived in Omaha.  Being alone was something that I looked forward to, and accepting of my own personal faults, thrived while I was so.  I am not outright blaming Kitty for anything… but, I know that I was in a better state of affairs when we first met than I am now.   I did not become a “better person” for my experience with her… I am still tracking to be who I want to be, but after wandering around for a bit, I feel that I have certified the direction that I want to go.

BEFORE THE MALAISE SETS IN

It has been “cognitively rough” for a cat since the Presidential election.  At this point, I have still not completely reconciled my thoughts about the events that led to the victory by the G.O.P candidate, but I have not purposely been following the news… and nor do I have any intention of doing so in the near future.  The mix of feelings around the entire process is nauseating because I believe that it would have been a different election season had Democratic officials not pre-selected its candidate for President.  Anywho, the discomfort that seized me when it became clear who the winner would be has begun to ebb.  That said, when will I become “comfortable” and not a walking, breathing, feeling of dread..?

The holidays are coming and that is another component of my discomfort.  My partner’s family celebrates with coming together and having big Thanksgiving’s and Christmas’ at one of their houses.  Finding out that these get-togethers are filled with the typical resentments and dislikes that are common to such affairs, have only inflamed my avowed distaste for these “keeping-up-appearances” events.  I do understand the emotional connection that the women of the family have for these things, but my nature, and not any personal conflicts, is why I am not looking forward to making ANYONE “happy”.  There always have been a part of me that feels as though I am getting shorted in the deal.  In the long run, making my partner and her daughter happy will make up for the discomfort I will experience.

I have been researching the low-carb diet fad, and it is less fad than it is a sound plan.  While I don’t know if I can go full ketogenic, I feel that I most definitely can cut down on my carbohydrate intake, and, of course, be more zealous and focused in my fitness training.  Getting back to diet…

Apparently, eating ketogenic once was a prescription for several conditions. In fact, a ketogenic diet was recommended for epileptic seizures in the early 1900’s.  So, ketogenic diets have been around for a bit and used as a medical option for its health benefits.  And the kicker is, once you enter a state of ketosis your body WILL become more efficient and run better.  Since I have started cutting carbs, my partner has said that she has noticed a difference in how I look, as well as some of my co-workers.  I don’t have the ego to care, just enough to do the maintenance!  

For the past week I have been taking brief (2-5min.) cold showers in the morning.  The practice has been long rumored to have myriad health benefits… and as with eating ketogenic, I am going to do more study to ferret out how valid those rumors are!  The cold weather is certainly going to be a challenge as the temperature drops!  But I will say that I have felt more alert and “activated” since I have started my day with a brisk shower.

Lastly, I am going to start blogging about general fitness and diet stuff regularly in this blog.  I will still give a tactical briefing about my comings and goings.  Though I don’t think that this will ever be “that fitness blog”, I do hope to ferret out some tips to help anyone who comes across this journal.

That is it for now from fly-over country!

PEBBLES TO THE POND... STARS TO THE SKY

MONDAY MID-DAY MOANIN'

I haven’t done a whole heck of a lot of talking about the conditions of my disability because they sound a lot like everyone’s bad day and my competitive instinct is to suck it up and begin to deal. That is also why I don’t take (much) offense if someone notices something about me because the likelihood of my not paying what could be a condition of my impairment is high. Again, reflecting not only on my high ‘compete drive’, growing up a light-skinned (which is ANOTHER issue… maybe in February I will speak on how much that annoys me, among other things), friendly, smart kid, who was prolly seen as soft as a vanilla wafer, hearing crap things said about me didn’t bother me too much. Moms drilled me on ‘it is the name you answer to that matters’, and I also have a high ‘ignore you to f*ck’ drive too! My smile is multi-purpose in its use as it can mean I am happy as well as be a sign that I am happily ignoring you, you archaic field negro (you could also insert the appropriate object I wasn’t paying the least bit mind to… but since I am in elementary school listening to Moms here, it was usually some dumb ghetto hooligan hasslin’ me)!



Finding a cocoon of analog friends that I could trust in confidence that they had my better interest in mind has been difficult. The return of the SFC has meant that I do know at least one person… and since I am finally in Omaha, I can actually say I have two such people in my orbit, Nebraska being the other, as well as several on-line connections that I truly cherish and appreciate, if I don’t always show it. Words cannot express the gratitude that I have in my heart for those of you who have taken the extraordinary step of extending their hand to a stranger that they may never meet gives me hope for not only the country and the world, but the entire freaking’ species!


AND I BET SHE WASN’T THE FIRST ONE TO DO IT


Shakespeare is rumored to have cribbed his work.  Lawrence Kasdan and John Hughes had a knack for drawing on the contemporary zeitgeist as well.


Getting back to describing what I am currently enduring and why I brought it up has to do with being able to tell an authority what is going on with me. Whenever I have been presented with a difficulty I really do see it as an opportunity for triumph, whether it is big or small, a win is a win.


When I read the papers after my discharge from the hospital, all of the symptoms save one, vomiting (because I have felt too nauseated and ‘unhungry’ to eat) are what I feel… dizzy sitting DOWN… ugh! Anywho, I have been trying to commit them to memory because I tend to almost instantly improvise and drive on when something is happening with me. I lay down when I have headaches and turn of the light (and unplug the TV/cable box… sometimes I can sense the buzzing of electricity and THAT bothers me) and fatigue is just fear and pain leaving the body… as to the concentration aspect, I MAKE MYSELF READ. I am currently working on a Michael Eisner book on partnerships and of course I dig through journals to ‘catch up’ where I can. As far as the vision problems go… I remember what a trainer told his fighter when he complained of double vision… “Hit the one in the middle!” (Yeah, Mick told that to Rocky, but you would not BELIEVE all else I have heard in the gyms and ringside about coping with stuff like that). And I do have my own adventure, the only time I have had a broken bone in my life. I hurt my right hand in the first round of an amateur fight and there were still two rounds left! With the style and physical dimensions I brought to the party, there was never any doubt to what I had to do. Grit my teeth and punch EVEN HARDER with the right hand… it was going to hurt anyway, may as well put some spit on it and make the cat pay for hurting my hand on his head!!

So you can see why I am angry with the cat who struck me with his car. I don’t get to address the issue directly and I am still left with symptoms that may eventually be like the tax cuts for the rich and perpetuated into permanence. As far as my having been given only what I can bear… hey, let me speak to you real close-like, mmm-kay? Because I think that if I am given what I am supposed to bear, then I have enough to share and I’d like to give YOU a piece of it, if you don’t mind.



Yup… and like Flavor Flav (I love quoting him… and that ties into today’s theme!) once said, “I gotta right to be hostile! And that is that with that!!


When ‘Twilight’ first became the swooning story that projected a middling talent (read one of JK Rowling’s ‘Harry Potter’s’ and any of the sparkly vampire tales and tell me they are equal… can’t do it, can you?) into fame, I saw her talk about how she drew inspiration from music and wove it into her storyline. I felt a pang of jealousy when she said that, because like a lot of hormone-fuel teenagers, I used to write short stories and bad poetry to the music that played in my head. I still do, and they are like ‘cookies’ in my journal, and I wonder if they get picked up and what a reader is thinking when they ‘miss’ the subtext and ingest the words directly, without the additional subtext?

Anywho, the entry title ‘We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank’ was one of those cookies that I spoke of. I got that from a Modest Mouse album. There is another song and album title from that band I would like to write from… then it hit me. Like Stef, I could let the music that I like inspire me to write. Some songs take me back to points in my life with such clarity that it is like I am there and experiencing the feelings and emotions again for the first time. Also, I get to be ‘dramatic’ without letting everyone ‘in’.

Being that vulnerable is hard for me. It was easy to whine when I wasn’t where I wanted to be. But now that I am, it is about dealing, if that makes sense. “Keep your problems to yourself, kid, I got my own.” Who wants to read about someone constantly pissin’ about the rent being too damn high? Everyone has their heavy cross on their shoulders and many would not mind if a helping hand appeared.

What I hope to do is to strike a balance between sharing personal information, topics of the day, and other items that I sit at the computer and decide I want to speak  to someone about other than the gang in my head. For now, I am going to find out if I can walk from the 68105 to the nearest Baker’s… (yeah, I thought about calling and asking Nebraska… but the point of my personal ouvre is that I CAN take care of myself… if I want to go to the grocery store, then I need to go to the grocery store!!)

Snootchie Bootchies!!