Monday, January 17, 2011



I haven’t done a whole heck of a lot of talking about the conditions of my disability because they sound a lot like everyone’s bad day and my competitive instinct is to suck it up and begin to deal. That is also why I don’t take (much) offense if someone notices something about me because the likelihood of my not paying what could be a condition of my impairment is high. Again, reflecting not only on my high ‘compete drive’, growing up a light-skinned (which is ANOTHER issue… maybe in February I will speak on how much that annoys me, among other things), friendly, smart kid, who was prolly seen as soft as a vanilla wafer, hearing crap things said about me didn’t bother me too much. Moms drilled me on ‘it is the name you answer to that matters’, and I also have a high ‘ignore you to f*ck’ drive too! My smile is multi-purpose in its use as it can mean I am happy as well as be a sign that I am happily ignoring you, you archaic field negro (you could also insert the appropriate object I wasn’t paying the least bit mind to… but since I am in elementary school listening to Moms here, it was usually some dumb ghetto hooligan hasslin’ me)!

Finding a cocoon of analog friends that I could trust in confidence that they had my better interest in mind has been difficult. The return of the SFC has meant that I do know at least one person… and since I am finally in Omaha, I can actually say I have two such people in my orbit, Nebraska being the other, as well as several on-line connections that I truly cherish and appreciate, if I don’t always show it. Words cannot express the gratitude that I have in my heart for those of you who have taken the extraordinary step of extending their hand to a stranger that they may never meet gives me hope for not only the country and the world, but the entire freaking’ species!


Shakespeare is rumored to have cribbed his work.  Lawrence Kasdan and John Hughes had a knack for drawing on the contemporary zeitgeist as well.

Getting back to describing what I am currently enduring and why I brought it up has to do with being able to tell an authority what is going on with me. Whenever I have been presented with a difficulty I really do see it as an opportunity for triumph, whether it is big or small, a win is a win.

When I read the papers after my discharge from the hospital, all of the symptoms save one, vomiting (because I have felt too nauseated and ‘unhungry’ to eat) are what I feel… dizzy sitting DOWN… ugh! Anywho, I have been trying to commit them to memory because I tend to almost instantly improvise and drive on when something is happening with me. I lay down when I have headaches and turn of the light (and unplug the TV/cable box… sometimes I can sense the buzzing of electricity and THAT bothers me) and fatigue is just fear and pain leaving the body… as to the concentration aspect, I MAKE MYSELF READ. I am currently working on a Michael Eisner book on partnerships and of course I dig through journals to ‘catch up’ where I can. As far as the vision problems go… I remember what a trainer told his fighter when he complained of double vision… “Hit the one in the middle!” (Yeah, Mick told that to Rocky, but you would not BELIEVE all else I have heard in the gyms and ringside about coping with stuff like that). And I do have my own adventure, the only time I have had a broken bone in my life. I hurt my right hand in the first round of an amateur fight and there were still two rounds left! With the style and physical dimensions I brought to the party, there was never any doubt to what I had to do. Grit my teeth and punch EVEN HARDER with the right hand… it was going to hurt anyway, may as well put some spit on it and make the cat pay for hurting my hand on his head!!

So you can see why I am angry with the cat who struck me with his car. I don’t get to address the issue directly and I am still left with symptoms that may eventually be like the tax cuts for the rich and perpetuated into permanence. As far as my having been given only what I can bear… hey, let me speak to you real close-like, mmm-kay? Because I think that if I am given what I am supposed to bear, then I have enough to share and I’d like to give YOU a piece of it, if you don’t mind.

Yup… and like Flavor Flav (I love quoting him… and that ties into today’s theme!) once said, “I gotta right to be hostile! And that is that with that!!

When ‘Twilight’ first became the swooning story that projected a middling talent (read one of JK Rowling’s ‘Harry Potter’s’ and any of the sparkly vampire tales and tell me they are equal… can’t do it, can you?) into fame, I saw her talk about how she drew inspiration from music and wove it into her storyline. I felt a pang of jealousy when she said that, because like a lot of hormone-fuel teenagers, I used to write short stories and bad poetry to the music that played in my head. I still do, and they are like ‘cookies’ in my journal, and I wonder if they get picked up and what a reader is thinking when they ‘miss’ the subtext and ingest the words directly, without the additional subtext?

Anywho, the entry title ‘We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank’ was one of those cookies that I spoke of. I got that from a Modest Mouse album. There is another song and album title from that band I would like to write from… then it hit me. Like Stef, I could let the music that I like inspire me to write. Some songs take me back to points in my life with such clarity that it is like I am there and experiencing the feelings and emotions again for the first time. Also, I get to be ‘dramatic’ without letting everyone ‘in’.

Being that vulnerable is hard for me. It was easy to whine when I wasn’t where I wanted to be. But now that I am, it is about dealing, if that makes sense. “Keep your problems to yourself, kid, I got my own.” Who wants to read about someone constantly pissin’ about the rent being too damn high? Everyone has their heavy cross on their shoulders and many would not mind if a helping hand appeared.

What I hope to do is to strike a balance between sharing personal information, topics of the day, and other items that I sit at the computer and decide I want to speak  to someone about other than the gang in my head. For now, I am going to find out if I can walk from the 68105 to the nearest Baker’s… (yeah, I thought about calling and asking Nebraska… but the point of my personal ouvre is that I CAN take care of myself… if I want to go to the grocery store, then I need to go to the grocery store!!)

Snootchie Bootchies!!


LceeL said...

Okay then. You be hostile if that suits your fancy.

It really saddens me to think that you've been hurt and the only person nearby is Nebraska. The more you need to depend on her, the more you threaten the tenuous thread of your relationship. You need more than one friend nearby. Anybody does. EVERYBODY does.

Beth said...

Uh smiled a lot around me and Ken. Should I be worried? ;)

I totally get where you're coming from about sharing things. I am notoriously close-mouthed. I am that way when friends tell me secrets, which is a good thing. But I am also that way with myself, so it's hard sometimes to make a connection with someone. But when I do, it's pretty solid!

Love and Hugs,

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, sounds like you need to take the chance and call Nebraska. It doesn't sound like you need to be walking anywhere for the time being. From what you have said about her, I think she would want to help. Try not to keep this from her in the hopes you will be protecting the relationship you have with her.

Cathy said...

Thanks Mark, I realized long ago we have "permission" to rant, moan, groan, whatever. Hostility in humans IMHO is just fine and actually what's tiring is listening to people talk about their perfect little worlds. Give me a flawed and feeling human anyday.

Toon said...

Lynda Barry said in a workshop once that "Hate is okay. I am pro-hate." Hate and anger aren't always bad...they can sustain you at times.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I hope that writing here helps get the anger out, so you can get on with getting on. I think I am going to be in your neck of the woods in early November, will let you know when things are more solid.