LIVING IN THE PRESENT
I made a tactical decision to refrain from journaling for the summer while I dealt with my bout of depression. Rather than sharing the thoughts of “the imposter*” that was occupying my mind, I made the decision to simply approach what turned out to be an excellent summer.
My girlfriend and I spent a wonderful weekend with our host and hostess, Ken and Beth, at their retreat in Nutwood Junction. Originally, I had hoped to have stayed there an extra day but my partner had worked a long shift and since I no longer drive, I decided to let her rest and we left for South Bend the next morning. The next day, the four of us went downtown and took in South Bend. It made me think about how out of touch the candidates for both major parties are
Unfamiliar with America. While I haven’t been back to the Motor to see for myself the revitalization that is taking place, knowing how struck the Rust Belt was by the shift in demographics, technology, and in manufacturing, what I saw in South Bend put a smile on my heart. It was vibrant, energetic and lively.
The next most excellent event of my summer was hosting my darling, darling daughter KT. She has certainly grown to be a thoughtful, intelligent, and confident young woman. Looking at her, speaking with her, it felt like I was looking back at an alternate life, similar to something that Rod Serling may have once thought of for an episode of “Twilight Zone”. I could not have been happier for her, if indeed she was living gladly in the kind of life that I had willingly forsaken. Looking back on the previous sentence, I can only think of how “first world” a statement that is… as though I ha d the choice of living a life of achievement and social status or one where I cling to the fringes of society being something within my ability to control… which, of course, it totally is.
Getting back to my daughter’s visit… my partner and her daughter went out of their way to make her a part of their hearts. From our road trip to the Mall of America, to the girls staying up late and gossiping, there were many moments of genuine emotion between the 4 of us that gave me all the feels. Along with visiting with Ken and Beth, I can say with complete confidence that my summer was consumed with not only people who I love, but with people who love me as well. I was able to show KT off to nearly everyone that I hoped for her to meet on her visit. Not only that, we were able to reach an understanding regarding her sister’s that surprised me in how well-thought out her opinion of our situation was.
The gout that plagued me for nearly 20 months has pretty much cleared up. My left shoulder still has some stiffness but the range-of-motion that had been so severely compromised in my right ankle has returned. I should be a lock for school when winter term begins in late fall.
“The fundamental mistake we make (which causes all kinds of trouble and suffering) is the assumption that we exist as a permanent, unified, independent being, the center of a melodrama around which the rest of reality organizes itself.” ~David Nichtern
I found this quote on Thomas’ blog, Abbie’s Treehouse. Since I have been in Omaha, there has been little for me to speak of that resembles the PMS’ing that I was doing prior to moving here. From whatever possible relationship that could have developed between me and Nebraska, to the “at risk” venture that I had with Princess, I haven’t had to concern myself with the failings and desires of others since I left Michigan. As my life moved away from being centered around me (though I believe that I have always struggled to keep this more about “me” than make this a blog all about ME) and my wants and I began to do my part to organize my life through direct participation in the world I live in. This meant no long rhapsodizing on past missteps or personal imperfections. It also meant giving less weight to perception and theory, finding that not only did I have fewer f*cks to give than a one-legged bedouin trying to cross a desert minefield about “things” than before, but to aggressively living in the now.
Lately I have been looking into the nature reality and how our observation, the thoughts we think, everything that we use to understand our existence has already “happened” and that we are actually living in a simulation. It is a fascinating idea to me, that by measurable definition that what we think of as “now” has already happened. But since my study into this and related concepts has only been limited to what I have been educated by through my studies at “Google University” (to say nothing of fractured concepts from “the past” stitched together by `my broken mind). THAT’S the kind of stuff, along with heaping measures of introspection, is what makes up most of the goings on in my thoughts. It was the pique of my frustration with the then-trending of my life that created the need for me to express myself in an online journal (and for which I am eternally grateful… the friendships that I have made through blogging have really been a boon for me..!) as I navigated my time in the dark woods of life. Journaling provided me not only with an outlet for my inner dialogues and a chance to add depth to my character (by giving me the chance to make, and more importantly, BE a friend as well), it provided me with what I needed to grow into the person that I am now.
Finally, as this ramble should obviously reveal about me, is that I think about things very deeply. This trait of mine is not one that was I has always been a part of me… and when I think of the environment where I was nurtured in, listening in to conversations about politics, technology and philosophy, and eventually being allowed to participate in as a child. So when I mention about a particular viewpoint or stance of mine being one that I have held for “a long time”, then it is likely an idea that had been germinating since I was in 3rd grade at the very least. This is what I owe to much of my indifference to other people… because I believe they have just NOW began considering whatever is spinning through disguised as thoughts in their “bonnie wee heads”.
It can be said without equivocation…. I was not in search of a relationship, nor was I trying to find a place where I could be less than an independent adult, living off the hard work of a single parent. I left Detroit for the same reason that I have always left Detroit… to be daring and take the risk of engaging the world on its terms as best I can… and to hell with what anyone else ever thought.