BREATHING IN

 I had thought that I would be sharing my thoughts and opinions regarding the uprisings at the Capitol.  While I do have my own thoughts about what took place and the why to the release of fear and frustration, with the different factions of society, the “act locally” part of me is really not engaged the gathering at the Capitol (cause it was not organized enough to have really been a protest) and it keeps telling me that whatever took place in Washington is NOT important enough for me to focus and concentrate on RIGHT NOW.  It is more like there is the same grim acknowledgement that has plagued “out-groups” in America only since the Puritans landed here… and that is there always has to be a particular group for the working classes to point as “lower” than they are.  There has been someone that was at the bottom of the social totem pole that did not look like those driven to swarm the Capitol (with all the known information about the failings of security, from the White House advising the Capitol Police to NOT ACCEPT the National Guard’s help, to the guy egging on his low information and benighted followers, how is that cat going to avoid being drugged in mud, if not convicted of a crime..?) to act as scapegoats.  Now, the folks at the bottom of the totem pole not only look like “us”, it IS “us”.  Being that this is an emotional thing, to comment on the intelligence of those who were a part of the protests, in spirit if not in there physically, is to miss the point of the thing.  Anywho…

I am going to focus on getting myself enrolled in school for the fall.  I know what I want to focus on… being a mathematics/statistics major or actuarial science.  This will be more like me going back to when I INITIALLY went to college almost 30 years ago, to major in Finance.  My inspiration came from a conversation that KT’s Mom and I had back in late summer last year.  We were talking about our daughter and the topic of “where did she get that from” came up.  Now I have not ever been one to project my qualities one way or the other unto my children… Some of the traits that my daughter’s have that are attributed to me, are, in my eyes, a result of manifestation of a behavior under certain circumstances.  Sure, if X is going on and the only choices are Z and Y, that means the chance that one of my daughters makes the same choice or similar to one that I made is pretty high, but no more than mere coincidence.  

KT has changed all of that for me.  Though she has her own “will to be” to account for her decisions, the whole “she got her math side from her father” has struck a chord in me.  In the discussions between me, her and her Mom,  regarding her professional choices, I want to believe that I (cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame!) heard echoes of the possibilities that were just as vaguely as it is for her, floating around in MY head.  

So as I drifted back to my own state-of-affairs, I did so with the will to go back and finish my education by focusing on Actuarial Science/Mathematics/Statistics leaning.  Messing around with numbers and finding out the stories that they tell has always intrigued me.  Coming to this conclusion had a feeling of finality… I mean, this is IT.  This really feels like what I am going to be… mental hardship or no!

Finally, I am still disturbed by what took place in Washington.  It has changed my work environment…  seeing men and women with the colors of the Proud Boys/QAnon movements… I do not know what is going to trigger them no more than African-American boys like Emmett Till did when the crowd came for him.  I do not really trust “new” people coming into my life and I remain at a distance from my co-workers.  That is one of the things that I know that I have lost, the level of safety and comfort that I had been feeling.  From here on out, the “no, you stay where you are and come no closer” will be the policy until further notice.  Will things get better now that Biden has taken office..?  Not sure if I have voiced it in here or not, but I DO NOT TRUST HIM.  In fact, I remain unconvinced that he is not who I think he is… a redneck from Pennsylvania as far as his social stance, and that he is part of the oligarchy, insofar as his political career benefits him.