Sunday, March 8, 2015



One of my favorite cult bands is The Fall.  I listen to their song "Hit The North" pretty frequently on my "Starred" playlist on my Spotify.  I definitely remember it from a random exposure as a twerpy pre-teen.  I would not catch up to it for over a decade, not until I was in Carolina and I was visiting a used record store ('memba them..?) in Fayetteville.  The same would be true for the Pixies, finally finding the album that the song "Ed Is Dead" was on.  Getting back to "Hit The North", I never really got what the song was about... most of the references seemed to be obscure, maybe exclusive to Britain.  Still, it was a unique song when I was young and the notion that "the North" was something to be "Hit" would prove to be very intriguing to me.

Another song which has been recurring in my mind is the ethereal and moody tune by the Boards of Canada called, "The Beach At Redpoint".  Another song with which there is a strong connection to the artist location.  I wonder what it is about the Scottish beach that evoked such a dismal and forlorn expression in music?  I know that could be pondered about a lot of the Boards music... but there has to be more of a connection between the place and this song than random coincidence... doesn't it?

Speaking of random...


Though the rules that I live by may seem numerous, they actually revolve around three or four pillars of my thinking, so that when they are not understood, makes me think that either it is a willful lack of understanding and/or lack of the capacity for understanding that causes for the misunderstanding between "me and you".  While I don't know how else to say it, the acceptance and proceeding even as you acknowledge your own ignorance, is "like that of a dog biting into stone, a stupidity".  And what is worse is the awareness that you are operating out of ignorance, which, at least to me, than reaching conclusions by purely being stupid.  It is because you know the things that you don't know are important, but you simply don't care enough to become more well informed... about ANYTHING.

An online article spoke to the subject of why relationships do not work out.  There were more like a series of reasons, 4 primary reasons why relationships don't work out.  While I have my "Rules...", I would venture to say that many of them would fall under one of the four primary (or 3 sub-primary reasons  given in the article for the fail).  A lot of the frustration that manifested while I was with Mookie Dee and would occur with Nebraska was of a belief that I have always been clear about one thing in this journal, and that is about myself.  I am too big an a**hole to ever play the victimization card, which is while I thought the violence perpetrated on me by my ex-wife was unfair, I could understand, because with people that I believe either don't like me for what I am or have a image of me that is so thoroughly subjective that it isn't relate to who I am, but more related to the person that they want someone to be in the image of for them.

The article brought up these following several reasons for failure within an intimate relationship.  As follows, they are 1) Courage.  This is something that I had noticed about women in general around my late twenties-early thirties.  This is not to be confused with the skittish ways of how relationships developed in the late teens-early twenties, which were fraught with confusion and fear.  But the courage that people who feel that they have been hurt badly on or by either side of the gender line, has eroded and because of whatever scarring that took place has left them with a memory in which the overarching story is one of fear.  As fearless as I have lived my life, from going to watch Tommy Hearns the few times early in his professional career on the Grand River bus, then walking a mile-and-a-half from the bus stop in the pitch of night, up to now, taking a broken mind and body off where NO ONE  (other than someone who does but doesn't like me..! :0) knows my name, being afraid will get a personal arrogance foul penalty called on you (not to mention thrown immediately out of the game..!).  While only a fool has no fear, fear should NEVER have a hold on a person.  Fear eliminates the ability to want, because achievement is only made in spite of the element of risk.

The external factors outside of your character and your instantaneous, immediate control, can also give failing in relationships a justification for the fail.  Letting your family, friends or who-the-f*ck-ever impact on your relationships is another one of the "it was you who made your due" problems with fearful people in relationships.  It is a sign of a lack of character when concern about what your friends think or how your photos may look with you and this person on Instagram and the numbers of likes your photos with this person gets, invalidates the very reasons that most people get into and develop healthy relationships.

One of my favorite personal sayings... "You should have done better in high school", was developed in part because of people used to blame their lack of opportunity on what they didn't have growing up.  The sad part of this is that I was growing up too, and I knew what this meant, because growing up thinking that you can't because of things like your environment or your family, you were going to suffer from psychological stumbling blocks and create problems where there are none... but you are convinced of otherwise, as though you have schizophrenic-induced breaks from your surroundings.  The things that you either did/did not receive when you were young are NOT my problem.  This doesn't mean that I am not willing to help you but you have got to want help yourself, AND, you have to take the help and move past what is holding you back.  For relationships, that may mean getting over never having a real-life role model to form your expectations on, or your working on getting past your cheating ex-husband (or violent ex-wife :0), to your better place where you can fully participate in a relationship.  If you are not willing or able to participate in a relationship, do you really think you should be in a relationship at all?

Risk.  Either you are all in or you are all out.  This goes back to Old Testament instructions where G-d says either be hot or cold, because being lukewarm gets you spat out of his mouth (man, I am SOO fighting the urge to digress here a bit..!).  From the very beginning of my relationship with Nebraska, I never felt certain that she respected that she had become attached to the unconscious dreams of a child.  What frustrates me is that when attention is paid to a successful (don't we hate it when our friends become successful..?) person, who speaks to how the spark for their passion was first born of childhood interest and encouragement, and I can make the connections to a time when my brain was only just making the connections that allowed the things I was taking in, and for those things to become a life-long drive, and treat them as if they were nonchalant.  You don't have that authority... and the shocking thing is how it is only in those intimate relationships that I have been in, where I have found this contrast to be strongest.  It comes to mind when I think of when I have met someone and they have chosen to believe in the caricature that they have made in their mind of me.

As an adult, particular after my brief stint in the military, I have had a different perspective of my life.  Shoot, from the first time I ever looked down the barrel of a gun, over in a field at the Immaculate Hearts of Mary school on Pembroke and Mansfield (guess who lived on Rutherford just before someone else moved to the 48219..?  Guess who moved out of that neighborhood a few weeks prior to someone elses and their and their family's arrival..?) to the last time when a cat threatened my stepbrother over in the 48235 as an adult, there have been enough real life/death experiences for me to say "f*ck you" to anyone who thinks that I can't understand the importance of things.  Wait, arrogant a**hole of a person, until you look at the cold, unmoving faces and the spiritless bodies of two people you love nearly as much as your own life, then tell me about why you are scared of a cat who walks with a messenger bag or doesn't want to watch "Being Mary Jane".  Not judgin', jus' sayin'...  talk about the audaciousness of self-importance... makes you wonder if they have these incredible and amazing responsibilities, responsibilities that are shared with billions of others and similar to hundreds of millions of them, are they even going through something that is unique?  If so, are you capable enough of understanding and more importantly, respecting, the risk that you engender in the pursuit of a relationship??  If you can't, well, that is your choice.  But in the checks and balances of nature, you can't get more than what you are willing to put up to get it. 

Anywho... tired of rambling... school starts next Tuesday for a cat... wish me luck, Chuck..!


mrs.missalaineus said...

i forget what catholic school that used to be before it was michigan tech...

be well and may you have a productive term. it is finally starting to thaw here in the motor.


abbiestreehouse said...

Your story reminded me of this story, earlier in my life:

When I worked at MCI there was a guy there who was *really* in to fashion. I remember one day he was wearing purple balloon pants and velvet shoes, and of course everyone walking by had to make a comment, usually something along the lines of, "Pfff! Nice shoes!"

I asked him if he didn't get tired of it, and he said, "Look. When I came out as gay, my parents kicked me out of the house and my friends all turned their backs on me. I had to find a new place to live and make all new friends.

"Do you think I give a damn what anyone thinks of my shoes?"