WERE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO GET HERE WITH ME..?

TACTICAL

Got my plane ticket to South Bend… hoo-rah..!  So if I continue doing the things that I have been doing that has brought me to this point in my life, and I go on to have another positive shared experience with people I care deeply about, I will have won the year!!

Pell Grant came in..!  Winter term, here I come!!  I will have to calculate whether or not I am going to push myself and finish up junior college this upcoming academic year or not… still undecided on that front.

Biked the Keystone Trail down to Bellevue and snatched  bits and pieces of the air show at Offutt Air Force Base this past Sunday.  It was pretty cool… next year I will have to buy a ticket so I can go on post and check it out! London ended up giving me trouble on the way back… :0( Spokes came loose on the rear wheel and it was suggested by the owner of the repair shop that I might want to invest in a custom-made rear wheel… that is around $300 bucks, so some THOUGHT will go into that purchase.  Being a little bit of a bike snob put me on the slippery slope of spending for that kind of upgrade, and it makes sense.  With the amount of riding I do and the fact that I am a big cat, getting a wheel would make a lot of difference.  We will have to do some more “goat-thinkin’” on that idea.

Finally decided to go with an every-other-day study for my Personal Trainer’s certification.  Informally, I will be doing stuff regarding fitness nearly every day, but specific to the exam is what Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday’s will be for!  So it won’t be long until I am an official fitness professional!  Man, from sitting sleepless in a damp townhouse basement in the depths of early mornings, to making it to professional trainer, with progress to a degree in Exercise Science… HOO-RAH!! AIRBORNE!!!

HAVE YOU BEEN THIS WAY ALL THE TIME -- OR WERE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO GET HERE WITH ME??

It sounds egoistic when people ascribe to themselves a quality that is there for everyone to utilize, even if the actual employing of said action or thinking is rare, and rarer still is the proper implementation of whatever into appropriate and effective utilization into a philosophy or way of being.  That is only a part of what irritates me with Facebook posts … I just have to question the effort that they have put into change (though with Pecan Sandie, waves of guilt crashes against the docks of my soul)… I mean, how many weeks, months if they can stay focused, will it be until they are back into their “Schleprock” mode, posting the social engineered pictures and memes of the sheep, passing it off as serious thought, sincere declaration of intent to be different?

There hasn’t been reason to mention that “I’ve been reborn so many times that I can’t remember them all”, in a long while as I take a run at explaining how difficult it is to make change in your own life.  The main reason that I find it difficult to do so is my philosophy and belief systems are centered around optimism and a willingness to work hard, traits that seem to low on the list of those who talk about change and not the efforts that go into change.  I don’t know when or why being optimistic got such a bad rap… I used to refer to myself as having a “Pollyanna outlook” (until someone “Big Lizard-ed” my using that term… not mention who or any of the 48 contiguous states that this person resides in but… I am sure you get who) because I can’t ever think of a time that I did not expect the very best of all outcomes in my life’s endeavors.  But thinking the misunderstanding of that term and how it was used speaks volumes about why I am the way that I am when it comes to the people I let into my circle. You can say a-hole things, even occasionally do a-hole things… but if you have a lucid, cogent explanation, I won’t think of you as an a-hole.  But if an a-hole is what you ARE, then I ain’t got no use for you.

Having quantified as much as possible regarding how I understand and interpret my life, I already have parameters established for the roles that are available in for anyone who wants to be an active part of my awareness.  The whole introvert thing, while being used so much that it is more of another of the self-diagnosed character markers for those who seek to belong to something or draw attention to oneself.  For instance, purposely trying to find obscure music to claim an obscure, “cool before it was cool”, to listen and for the desire to be out on the forefront of a wave that has probably already came in… that isn’t because I am trying to be an introvert, but it is just who I am.  “The music that they constantly play,” sings Morrissey, “it says nothing to me about my life.” I can no more help finding myself where I do on the musical spectrum no more than I could on the social spectrum.

...speaking of obscure music…

Nicolas Jaar - Space Is Only Noise If You Can See (Live)

(at least it is to me..!)

This song has been a pleasant earworm for the past two weeks… the use of the word “space” and its vastness hooked me along with the “space” between the beats and the atmospheric vocals that accompany the musical score, I was taken into the clouds and through the levels of atmosphere and floating about in the never-ending and seemingly visible noise betweens points of light.

I imagine the characters in my mind (and blog) and scrutiny being made on them through the prism of this song.  It solidifies my purpose for me and keeps me from being lost in the woefulness of imagining what anyone is doing, from  Mookie Dee, up to the potential recruit who was on probationary status.  Does it matter in the grand scheme of things why the music affects me the way that it does..?  It isn’t going to reveal any great secret or unveil any of the great mysteries of existence … except that it does, at least, for me.

The song is a validation of a sort… unlocking the answers through subtlety, probing introspection and leaving revealed the bareness of a soul.

YOU USED TO CHECK THE WEATHER AND YOU STOPPED THAT

 

One of the many issues that I have with the “tiny brained folk”, people who have never been anywhere, never being exposed to the variety of life is that “they think so small, they used small words…”.  By that I mean it is likely that they have not pondered about what lies outside of their comfort zone.  Having muscled through Toffler’s “Future Shock” as a kid confirmed for me that whether or not that I was right in an absolute sense was less important than the dimensions of life that I believe that I feel I was correct about.

I knew that I was living in a dying society when I was growing up… the death of the hierarchy.  Not only will I get to see a woman president, I believe that my granddaughters will be the first generation of women for whom the patriarchy will matter less to them as the blunt and crude racism of the first half of the 20th century matters to minorities now. Not that it won’t be a factor or that sexism still won’t matter (because the tiny brained are a hardy species and will lurk in the dark places where light doesn’t reach), but it will matter far, far less than it does now or ever did.  Those granddaughters will have children that will be as unfamiliar with the patriarchy as a children today are as unfamiliar with a rotary phone, blatant racism and rampant sexism.

What will the new society of the future look like?  Well, as an adult that is scruffling along below the poverty level and coping with a wonky brain, not to mention the lack of scholarship to bring a strong argument for anything, I don’t have a clue!!  But I do know if you are holding on to the old mythologies rife with bias and ignorance, you will suffer the fate of the dinosaurs and the cro-magnons.

Falling freely through inner space, it is hard for me to alter my unknown trajectory for a known route that will lead to a dead end.  There are some things that I am simply not wired for… and that is why I went ahead and scratched out the profile to my philosophy and I work to project where I intend to go from “here”.  When it comes to personal relationships, realizing what has be done cannot be undone (but maybe they will find a way through quantum mechanics to do it… my postulation is that change in our reality alters the reality in another future, but I digress..!), I am left with really one option -- and it is not upon me to find and present any alternatives… how could I?