I feel self-conscious about my writing lately. Not that what I want to discuss is not rooted in my own personal saga but because I would hope that …well, never mind, never mind (shoplifters of the world… unite and take over..!) but I want to write more directly, and I still worry that it may be taken out of context. Dealing with the stresses of my life by sharing is still new to me ( prior to ‘07, the whole “not a f*ck given” protocol of handling stress was employed for over 26 years!)
Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken. -Jack Kerouac
...and then there is a feeling of decompression as the pressure lessens (because it hasn't gone completely away).
June is finally here and I get to go see KT strut across the stage as the first of the boosters fire her out into her own orbit in life. Whatever small role that I have played in her life, I am honored by it and by her return of her affections for me. Now that I have made it to where I had planned on going when I started this thing here, I am glad that the Carolina Young Women are a part of my life. Now I can start talking about the next stage of our relationship as parent/friend and support resource.
A relationship with Nebraska (or anyone for that matter) has always been a secondary in my goals, an incidental consequence to my wanting to “get back into this thing”. I feel a great deal of guilt from not finding a way to be more active in my any of my daughter’s life … I knew that I did not want to leave them without memories or moments that they can place into their hearts and say, “That’s my Dad”, and for there to be a powerful and sincere sense of love for their old man to accompany their acknowledgement and memories of me. That is what moving to a better place and creating an environment where I could continue to grown in was all about. Finding love was not that prevalent in my thoughts because “light-skinned brothers” never go out of style, and especially when they have both good character and personality to go with the eye candy, amirite? To that end, next year I intend to get back in the Motor and make Skye face me… I know, right? Sounds so implausible, given the belligerence from her Mom and her lack of enthusiasm for a relationship, but so is a cat with brain injury, living on his own, going to college, and working where he wants to be, and look how THAT story turned out!! Besides, I would absolutely LOVE to visit Alaina and Tony, too! Maybe even go to Greektown, stop by the Astoria bakery and top it off with dinner at Xochimilco's!
I don’t remember where I first encountered the phrase, “face your fears, live your dreams”, but it has rattled around in my mind since at least junior high. The Kerouac quote tells you what I believe happens when all-too many people find themselves faced with an opportunity. They dither, they find answer’s in the darkest places, all the while unable to see for the light. I truly believe that my opportunity is upon me, meaning that if I really want to be my daughter’s best friend, that chance is NOW.
Many women, particularly those with familial responsibilities taking up a big chunk of their lives, unnecessarily, IMO, but their growth as a person on hold. Fear of what could happen if they choose to open up to the wrong person, what is at stake for them and their loved ones if something goes awry and can be sourced back to the primary relationship (I will explain..! Just give me a sec..!) between the woman and her partner. Influenced by poor previous choices and bad music (lookin’ at YOU Taylor Swift..!) and tropes promoted by social cues, these half-measures made by some women only lead them to more unhappiness. And that is where the obvious goes unstated… that they proceed in relationship on guesses, bad logic/intuition, and a selfishness that blooms as concern for their own well-being, but is mostly a crock o’ sh*t (if it ‘weren't, then why you so mad at being alone..?).
One of my spirit guides, the venerable Prussian General Von Clausewitz expounds on what he called (and so do I) choosing those upon whom you can rely upon as well as what occurs when you are at unease with your choices/decisions, the uneasiness that takes hold of a person when they are going to do something momentous in their life, and how that slippery slope goes from unease, to indecision, and finally to half-measures. Nebraska, beyond any shadow of a doubt, half-a**ed our relationship. The reason that I say this isn’t simply because of my own peculiar philosophy. It is just that friends make the time for you when the opportunity presents, not simply “when they can”. Your relationship becomes an imperative, something that has to be attended to, when you value the person, and since I was offering to be a candidate for partner, I felt that I should have been given more consideration. I don’t think that she has visited me more than 10 times since I have been here, not including the 2 ½ years of near-complete non-involvement. And that is, was, cool.
Yeah, it bothers me that she let me down as she did … why shouldn’t it? In my mind, I had a near-constant relationship with her for over 12 years, if not more. Near the very end, when we tried to have the talk that we never had, we could not find the time to sit down, and it was my “fault”. See, while she treated me like “some other cat”, I was busy building my life. From sitting around looking at an empty apartment, to finding a job, going to school, and adjusting to EVERYTHING, I created my path where there was none.
At this point, racing to the 4-year mark of continued growth and progress, it is unlikely that we’d ever reconcile. I, of course, have my “Rules To Live By”, and axioms that accompany them, such as this one provided by Dres of the rap duo Black Sheep … “As for me, to say just how… if you didn’t know me then you could never know me now”.
One of the things that my first marriage convinced me off was that the growth that occurs during separation can leave you as estranged as you were before the original separation. This was part of the mentoring that I gave my sister the Drill Sergeant years ago when her marriage was going through its trials. When I had left my ex-wife, I did what was expected of me… I began to get my sh*t together. But it required adapting to the nuances of maturity, the goals that had been set for myself, and incorporating a new thinking to how we approached each other. Unfortunately, her thinking was mired in the past and unfounded wisdom of ill-conceived ideals. She remained as she was, still is, and who she will always be. And yes, Nebraska, I am saying that about you. I do think you need to be approach relationships differently in order to integrate another adult into your life.
Don’t know if the word “sapping” has any specific connotations to you… mine is of elite units being dropped behind enemy lines during military confrontations, going to work find out weaknesses and disrupting their enemies operations. That is what I think of the myths and blanket statements that are made on both sides of the relationship debate, the presumptions that this thinking is wisdom. I see this “magical thinking” as the surest sign that this is a person with whom, “I can’t coach with”... and it is in the figuring out of “our formula” and wanting to change that you grown and progress.
So in closing, if you somehow think that I am not worthy of sharing your special moments and for you to subsequently take something special of my and sh*t on it, that your best efforts of being a “friend” begins with limiting how much a “friend” you can be, and then to lump me with all “black men”, as much as classifying a behavior as what “all black women do” infuriates you, then I don’t see things, despite my kvetching as a “loss” of any sort… it is a net gain.
Oh, for those of you who share my Facebook, I will soon explain, “Who’s That Girl” with me in the photo!! Yoikes! And Away!!