I have been grinding away as I await my departure to Carolina to see KT’s graduation. With both her and Lexxie, I have never been able to get over how grateful I am that their Mom’s have allowed me to count in their lives. Going to talk to KT about our relationship and the initial expectations that I have of her and hopefully I will discover what her expectations are of me. Much of my future ambitions turn on being there for my girls to use as a resource… hopefully I can add an excursion to the Motor next year to see both Mrs. Miss A & Mr. Mischief as well as a talk with Skye about our relationship. She is an adult now, and if she chooses to continue to ignore me, que sera. While I can likely imagine I will find more reasons to visit Detroit in the future, I don’t think that there will be many and certainly not with any urgency to them. What governs my soul does not feel diminished without a relationship with my eldest daughter. The detritus that clutters the relationship that she and I have is a direct result of the fail between her Mom and I, and whatever bitterness that my ex-wife had towards me has poisoned whatever my daughter and I relationship could have been.
Did I tell you that Nixxie and I were friends before we were “bunk buddies”? So whenever we talk it means I have to deal with her diggs and jabs at me verbally. I have never really been good at repartee (save for that one epic moment in school last term..!), so there were jokes about which one of my “big women” were going to drop me at the airport, the white one or the black one… the best I could come up with was for her to ask her ex-husband to “stand down… the war is over and your service has been appreciated”, as he still has positive feelings for his ex-wife and I don’t need him to be jealous of me!!
This is a milestone moment for me … I still have a LONG way to go but I have also come from a long way away. I get a little awestruck when I think that I have provided most of the impetus for my life without any kind of sponsor of any sort. That is why I take umbrage at the hinting that I would try to “use” someone for anything… as I alluded to, most women can’t afford me, so the idea of me being “kept” is nothing short of ludicrous. What I want to know is, can I call you for a ride to the grocery store or home from work in the rain? I mean, how big an issue is that for someone you are supposedly invested in??
When I think about the things that I would ask my partner to be responsible for, they all seem to center around one word - character. That is something that you either have or you don’t, or so it seems to me. The three (maybe four) marks that I measured Nebraska by informed me not only of my value (or lack thereof) to her, but of her own character. I don’t know how she came to the conclusions she did about me, but then, I don’t need to know why she arrived at them The same goes for Princess, Mookie Dee, and my ex-wife. That is proprietary information, and as long as she is comfortable with her choices, so am I.
Talking about our daughter, I found out that she no longer wants to become a nurse practitioner. Sports Medicine/Physical Therapy is what she wants to do. Of course, with me eyeing an associated field myself, I told her that I’d move to Carolina to practice with her! Why would I not..?
ME & MY FACEBOOK FRIEND
We’ve been talking since late January. I haven’t spoken about her because things between us exist “in the gloaming”, that awkward space in relationships that consist of the mysterious functions of a coupling “that is more than this but not quite that”. In that regard, it is a similar relationship to the one I had with Princess, which was not a bad experience for me. And like that relationship, the potential far outweighs the risks, and unlike the one I had with Nebraska, I can look forward to a return on my investment in low risk, high yield instrument.
She has two daughters, a 19 and a 16 year old, who have given their “approval” of our relationship, mainly because the relationship that their Mom and I have cobbled together makes their Mom happy. Don’t think that you can ask for anything better than that, and why would you, greedy bastard!!
I like her a lot as well. She has been very supportive and understanding with me and while there are some key technical issues between us, we have gotten off to a good start. When I get back to Omaha, she has agreed to be my first “client” and I am going to have to come up with a workout plan for her and her girls. Do I think that “she’s the one?” There is no pressure regarding the long-term viability between us, as we have clearly discussed where we are as a couple and where we are going as individuals.
...speaking of individual paths …
THE REFINING STAGE
From the moment that my disability was confirmed, my focus was to move forward with my life, based on the function that for others may be intuition but for me, serves as a conscious guide, a living entity that has guided me to the point where I am now.
I have done the necessary culling of my exo-life and I don’t know if there is any immediate trimming that needs to be made. Now it is time for me to look inward and make the changes that I believe are necessary for me to go further into my brightly shining horizon.
Looking at my “change jar” and seeing how empty it is, it makes me wonder how much better could I have been living for the last 18 months. Rather than filling it up, I have been taking from it and not replacing it, and I estimate that it had over $600 dollars in it earlier this year. At one time, I looked at the spare change as how I would fund KT’s car and Lexxie’s first designer’s sewing machine. Right now, the near-emptiness mocks me, taunting me, because the hollowness means that I have let myself waste too much of my income. There is no reason for having gone into my reserves other than poor financial management.
So while I am in Carolina, I will create a budget, including my savings as well as set-asides for things I anticipate that will happen “one day”, like a car gift for college graduation, maybe a trip to “the Big Easy”, and possibly a passport trip with my new friend (hey, if you don’t plan for the future, then the future will never arrive!). Getting my trainer’s certification will allow me to earn more money and move faster toward my goal of being as self-sufficient as possible! Not to mention a diet and focus on studying for school and my certification test for personal training.
I think that I can safely say where my priorities have been for the length of my journaling… to be present in my daughter’s lives and more importantly, being present in my own life. I always knew that I was better than what my ex-wife, Mookie Dee, Nebraska, and Princess saw… and I refuse to be held to the standards of their myopic vision. Maybe I will write down some of the funnier lines that Nixxie hits me with and who knows… maybe KT and Lexxie will get a chance to meet again! Hey, it could happen so you better watch!