Now… we wait.
I picked up my shirt from Rossi’s out in West Omaha and my Ralph Lauren slacks as well as my and the settings, and also because I have a greater point to make about myself.
You can’t afford me. And I do mean just that. I have yet to have encountered a woman who could have ever carry me around like some of my less-prideful brethren. From buying a grown man the latest sneakers or upgrading to the latest iteration of XBox or PS-whatever, I understand women who fear spending their money on a man who wants something so frivolous and temporal as a set of wheels for a car.
My jacket, which is Joseph Abboud, was purchased on sale for ⅓ off. I was lucky that it was of a weight that will allow it to be worn in late spring Carolina( I got it in January) The slacks I got as a part of a Goodwill promotion where you receive a coupon for clothing you donate to the Goodwill organization. The tie is a holdover from my days where I could truly afford it, and though I am not necessarily a fan of J&M (the allen edmond shoes that I liked, though tres nice, would have been indulgent of me), these shoes have the right color and style for my outfit, which is why I bought them. I still have a bottle of Boucheron to wear as cologne, and of course, I have KT’s graduation present in hand. Despite the great sales I was able to stumble onto, I already know that it would have likely stretched the minds of most of the women that I have mentioned in my journal (in fact, one, AKA, called me a “label whore”), so the very idea of asking them, or ANYONE for that matter, to purchase my clothes is of such ludicrousness that it is an insult to even project that as an ideal of mine. You CAN’T afford me.
Other than my unlikely stumbling upon a “sugar Momma”, I have never looked at a potential partner as a “resource” for any kind of material purchases. So, whenever I have encountered a woman who makes it a point to tell me, “I can offer you all kinds of help with the exception of …”, it sounds like a half-a**ed way of letting me know that I can expect less-than their all in a relationship. And while it is often assumed that because of their reluctance to commit capital toward a brother (who they additionally typecast as moochers anywho) is not only a sign of mistaken prudence if they have made a correct judgment of a cat’s character, but something that I see as an equivocation. And if there is anything that I hope that a reader of this mess has likely learned about me, it would be that I take a sh*t on equivocation. Don’t talk about how difficult the pregnancy was… show me the baby!
“MATTERS OF GREAT CONCERN SHOULD BE TREATED LIGHTLY. MATTERS OF SMALL CONCERN SHOULD BE TREATED SERIOUSLY.” - THE HAGAKURE (via)
Having experienced life living with and dealing with people of poor logic and even poorer judgment, it is one of the reasons that prior to my diagnosis that I decided to simply trust in myself and my own leadership acumen. You don’t like how I think, you don’t like being driven, then go home and gossip to your girlfriends and whine about it on Facebook. I don’t care. “It’s not the right way because it’s my way, BUT it is my way because it’s the right way”. If you are happy being selfish and thinking that your priorities trump others simply “because”, I feel that apparently during the “interview process” of the relationship, that a value judgment was made and kept secret. One that is of benefit of someone’s interest and welfare at the expense of their potential partner's best interests.
I have not tried to localize and isolate the emotions that I have regarding what I felt was a half-hearted effort by Nebraska at building anything with me. At first, I thought it may be another result of my injury, which it still may well be, that has thoughts twirling around like sugar strands in the cotton candy machine. Still, that did not seem to satisfy my spirit, as though that may be the reason I have ventured to think of her. What does make more sense, than unlike the major relationships I have been a part in, from Mookie Dee, Tee Jay, the SFC, and even Princess, there was that moment of clarity conversation. That talk where everyone was brought up to speed and it was understood where everyone was at with regards to the relationship. Whether our relationship was unsalvageable or not, I feel that I was denied the opportunity to discover why it was so, what I may have contributed, both consciously and unconsciously, to our problems, and therefore learned from her observations of my errors, to say nothing of my observations and assessment of her treatment of me as well..
AND NOW WE ARE BACK TO WHAT A JOURNAL IS FOR
I am left with the impression that she thought of me as some low-rent, scheming and trifling brother… that is what she left me with, having not explained why if I reached out to her as a friend and she felt comfortable with letting me down, why I was put on the “B” list when the “A-Team” failed to show, and why would something that was of CRITICAL IMPORTANCE handled so haphazardly with regards to KT. I mean, help me make sense of this, please..?
The request is rhetorical, as there is no way for anyone to make sense of this condition. What is left are those three (maybe four) things are as unfathomable as the monuments on Easter Island. Still, I would have liked to hear her reasoning, come to a conclusion, and then moved on with closure. I feel as though I have been denied, robbed even, of having that with her. Hence, the emotional dump.
I don’t feel that I am owed anything by her… nor do I really want anything from her. I do know that I would much rather live with these feelings and remain ambivalent regarding Nebraska, than to make some kind of effort at reconciliation and open myself to “known unknowns”. After all… “Do nothing without regard to the consequences.” She never wanted me, as far as I am concerned, and part of knowing what I was getting into, I felt that she was “settling” than making a passionate pursuit of building something with a cat. And my reality is one where the future is bright! :0)