I have returned to the mid- to high 90’s of my personal capacity after being afflicted by a month long (at least) battle with a condition. It was not until my supervisor saw how impaired I was and took action that I received medical attention. Also there was an issue regarding my transcripts during the interim between this and my previous entry that was troubling for me as well.
An area from which I have taken some flack for throughout my journaling (and IRL as well) some of the things that I have to say about women and women in relationships. I can seem a little misogynistic, chauvinistic and clearly prejudiced to be against women. For instance, the impression that a reader may have or my experiences with my starter Wife and with Mookie Dee, it would not be surprising that they would think that I have an axe to grind toward women. But I can explain why my rhetoric can slip into the inflammatory... because I am not George Plimpton or Christopher Hitchens, men so erudite and have such a command of the english language that an everyday American citizen would need a translator to grasp what they have just said.
So my language and coded patois is my own clumsy approximation of my aspiration to brilliance. Occasionally, because I am NOT brilliant and my logic at its level best is tortured, I fall short when I write about the episodes and observations of the universe at large. Whenever I say something that steps on someone toes, it is unintentional. And I do count on the understanding of readers to know when I am making my grand statements, that I am not speaking of “everyone” or pigeon-holing a population. That disclaimer having been made...
ON CHARACTER AND RELATIONSHIP FAIL TAXONOMY
Being observant of people does not seem to be difficult to do, at least not to me, and yet so many people are such poor judges of character that they repeat the same errors of judgment regarding people throughout their lives. It is disheartening for me to hear talk of “having picked someone like...”, surrounding the dilution of a loveship, because it is an indication that whatever fail that should have been particular situation has instead become a quality of the speaker character. It is the clearest sign that they have little understanding of the self, which is why they repeat the patterns of fail. Language is an indicator of so many things and is why I am cognizant of how I write in my journal.
A trait that I would think that has been established of mine, is that I do believe in enduring difficulties creates a stronger person. Though I do not feel that I have had face any particularly difficult obstacles in my life, challenges are often relative to the person that has facing to them. One of the biggest challenges in my life has been the nagging lack of support that I have received from the intimate relations of my life.
Now don’t get me wrong... there have been times where they have really come through for me... my Dad when I needed an evac from ‘the provincial town that I was joggin’ ‘round’... or when the SFC and Nebraska stood vigil when I was the hospital in separate episodes. I don’t want to sound like I don’t value when people have given me assistance. But again, it has been those who I believe would be among the people I could rely upon, that have let me down.
PEOPLE look out for me. The anonymous person who purchased Scarlet Rose for me when Doug was stolen from me at work. My supervisor who took charge, knowing what she knew of me, and took me to the hospital to get looked at. And this is where things become sticky.
What do YOU know of me? That is how I demand to be judged on, and when I can confirm that is not what a person is able to do, then I don’t allow them in my life. There are so many ‘known unknowns’ with life, that to know a person close to me can’t be counted on, is like treason. And while the punishment for treason is death, not being able to kill someone doesn’t have to be literal.
This is where the whole introvert thing comes into vogue. Not to be pickin’ (because I could us Princess in this example too!) on Nebraska or anything, but after we were unable to connect as a couple, we have essentially been nothing. Once, twice maybe a month text messages and one accidental run-in at a Midtown salon does not, to me anywho, a relationship make. Just as Jim Masters told some sad opponent defending him when he was raining three-pointers, “It’s gonna take another step”, indicating that the defender was not doing enough to defend.
If you want me in your life, you don’t have to do much but you do have do SOMETHING. Princess and her oblique communiques are the exact thing that a guy who is jus’ f*ckin’ with a woman does. So no, I have told you that I won’t use media to maintain a relationship, and that is EXACTLY what I meant!
SUNSET (It’s as if we’d never met)
I never thought that this was going to be a small-time thing. Now instead of having memories of different places in my mind, those sensations have been replaced by tendrils of an encroaching panic from the recognition that there is no such memory of a particular place I have ridden off to. Finding the focus to deal with my transcript issue as well as the consequence, all while I am suffering from a painful condition, this has been the most trying month of this era. I have felt vulnerable, confused, and wondering on a meta-level, about what is the use of going on.
So you say reach out to Nebraska, talk to Princess, see if they will give you a hand...