It has ALWAYS be difficult for me to talk about the adjustments that I make to my condition and all the small changes that I make not only to the major operations in my life but to the very small. In fact, it is the similarities to the differences in the functions in the ‘very big and very small’ in physics.
Einstein’s physics is ubiquitous partly because it gives you a relationship to the very big things that are seen every single day. At night, when you are looking at the stars, you can simply pop in your head quite possibly the most elegant equation ever, E = mc2. Its beauty is how simply it takes the incomprehensible and huge, and puts it the entirety of the universe your mind.
Or does it? See, that is where quantum physics and its incomprehensibility comes to play. Because where Einstein physics gave us ‘Star Trek’, the physics of Brian Greene would give us ‘Quantum Leap’ and perhaps predating him, ‘Micronauts’. Quantum physics it the laws of the things that are very, very small.
And it is this ability of mine, this prescience that I have about my life, something that is difficult for me to explain precisely because it is as mysterious to me as religion is to the faithful, that I place so much of myself in. The reason I gladly accept my fates isn’t because I have a low ceiling but that I acknowledge and understand that I did not follow my destined path. But that is for another day, if ever. The segue that I would like to make is why I think that losing someone that I have great emotions for is not that big a deal for me.
BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM KID, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF
I use Mookie Dee and my starter Wife as examples as well as the mythical ABBWC to define the more personal issues that I have with the actual women that I have been involved with. See, whether they know it or not, I can show them where they violated either a maxim or a sacrosanct ‘Rule To Live By’, which is why that no matter how badly I would have like for Tee Jay and myself to reboot our relationship, I am lackadaisical in the actual endeavoring of making it happen. Sure, I have spoken of my past often but I act with my eyes firmly set on my future and where I am intended to go.
The galling (to me at least) lack of understanding I have encountered in relationships reminds me of words that are found in those ‘Successories’ motivational series that Ken likes to poke fun at... “No one cares how much you know, until you show them how much you care.” That is SO TRUE, and in my mind, this is most evident in the “Quantum Universe of Relationships”.
Growing up, I noticed how young girls and young women in their constant kvetching about love and what not, kept being drawn back to the ‘small things’ that they ignored or were willing to overlook in their love life that they now trace back to the fail they either recently experienced or worse, CONSISTENTLY EXPERIENCE in their lives. A cat who would throw a rock or take a stick to a stray dog who is part of the neighborhood, or drink the last swallow of Faygo on a hot summer’s day without offering his girl ANY of it, or who has her go on food runs with not only no funding from his pockets, but in her car with her gas, even knowing how tight things are for her. I never understood why that things like this seemed of little significance to female’s but were of huge significance to me.
But it is not like I am without my own moment of ignoring a sign of ‘clear and present danger’. When my starter Wife and I were dating and she came into my house and dissed Tommy Hearns in front of my family and I stood there with a goofy smile on my face, as they recoiled in shock at not only her sacrilege, but that she was fully aware and conscious of what she was saying, was THE preeminent sign that ‘this was not going to work’. And I blew through that like a drunk driver who saw fairies waving him on instead of a stop sign.
Another thing that I noticed is the self-righteous indignation in the sisters, which also exists in respective forms most women of all ethnicity, and how that led them to continually cycle in and out men who were low-value stocks on the relationship exchange, and they were without a turnaround plan to boot.
SPOOKY ACTION AT A DISTANCE
That baffled me. But I accepted it as part of things that were beyond my abilities to quantify and it would become what I call a ‘behavior postulate’ as well as a factor in developing my own physics to guide me through my relationships. My overall approach is to ‘do no harm’, and I mean that. I am not going to wreck someone’s car, siphon from your 401K to get you to start up some super retro hipster beeper stand in Benson, or any other hair brained scheme that takes advantage of anyone. Not going to sex your friends or your loose Auntie who still thinks she can ‘drop it like it’s hot’. And to be certain, if there was any advantage taken, it was not done maliciously or more importantly, with any deceit (besides, YOU asked me to ‘put it there’, it wasn’t like I pressured you to let me..!).
Astrophysics is based on the observations made in this physical world. You can extrapolate known laws that govern life on Earth and make estimations of what things would be like ‘out there’, in what is Einstein’s ‘big universe’ physics. And yet, it is in the big universe that the small, or quantum universe exists.
Quantum Entanglement is when one observed element is measured and compared against another similarly conceived element. But if I am correct, in the Quantum Universe, it depends on what each independent observer sees that determines their local reality. In short, I cannot tell you what I am to you and your observation. Nor can your observation reflect accurately on the observation of anyone elses of me. So Mookie Dee did not see in me what Tee Jay saw, despite my being ‘me’. And in my interactions with women in Omaha, I feel that past projections cast a haunting shadow over those relationships. As Sweets Brown may have said about such a predicament, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
BECAUSE WITHIN LIES THE DEVIL
I have NEVER CARED, NOT ONCE what ‘him’, ‘he’, or ‘they’ did in your life. Nor do I care about your personal observations and prior experiences, in such that they bear no reflection upon me and how we interact with each other. Constantly I am amazed when a woman who is in good standing with me makes an obtuse statement about a supposed underlying intention of mine. Nothing stokes the furnace of my resentment like that of poor logic being passed off as predicative of my behavior.
“I take more help than I used to, but not as much as I should.” Whenever someone through my journal has offered aid, I have simply accepted, and devote myself to whatever the aid was for. A few weeks ago I was in receipt of a gift to purchase an area rug for my apartment. Now I did not ask nor do I petition for aid (save for the seldom used Pay Pal button over yonder!), but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth! It is the ‘not as much as I should’ part that I have the most trouble with.
One of the reasons that I can allow my supervisor at work to take me to the hospital and have my badly swollen left hand looked at, is because she would not have done so unless she cared. And I have the most problems with people who can say that they care, but when the chips are down, I am cueing up Sweets Brown!
See, friends, lovers, they don’t ask can you wait when they see you have a need. They don’t tell you about other appointments or obligations that they have to meet. When they see that you are in a dire situation, they stop talking and they ACT. Of course, my hand and arm was swollen and painful... it had been for THREE WEEKS. But hey, I had made it this far, and I was going to tough it out... after all, who locally was I going to call... Ghostbusters?
And yes, that was a dig. But check it... I have been splicing in the physics of the very big and that of the very small throughout this entry. And if you cannot grasp that which governs the very big, then you will never understand that which rules the very small. While one is advised not to be lost to the details, they cannot be ignored either. This is why I am not comfortable in asking people for help. Invariably, like the bad relationships of Springer, Maury, and Mike Singletary, you just can’t count on their turnaround happening at the right time. So, I don’t ask people who I already know are not committed to me and my aspirations, to being there “now” for me as I would for them (and especially when ‘they’ have to go ‘first’ in their mind), and expect my participation in a relationship that they are themselves pursuing on ‘impulse power’ alone.
“Today, today was good for me.” There have been enough “today was good for me” days, and the thing about them is, I never suffer them in abundance. That is what ate at me in the provincial town... because I was in that proverbial bad relationship with someone who has only been in bad relationships... and I was hanging around, unsure of when it was going to turn.
I don’t care for the genuflections of the “Oh but you could have called...” when I am in crisis. So if my hand had to be amputated, then dag nab it, it would have been. I was in pain and had been for weeks, soldiering on before my supervisor took me to Creighton and got me patched up. Evidently, I have enough evidence to the contrary to support my view of things... after all, I have been with the world … (and I am tired of the soup du jour!)