SATURDAY NIGHT WRIST

TACTICAL

Had to drop my Algebra class... I only got a 75 on my most recent test and I would need an even more unlikely 1500 in order to pass the class with the grade I need.  When I announced my decision in front of the class, the sadness was palpable among the group that I belonged to in class, a few others and in the instructor.  She even re-crunched the numbers to see if there was a reasonable chance of my passing the class and there wasn’t.  I thanked the instructor and assured her that I will be back in the fall!

I got my first haircut of the year and I learned that my “barbette” had thought I moved back to the Motor, and that SHE is moving to Mississippi over the summer!!  And while I will miss her (if you saw some of the nappy-heads on these brothers here in Omaha...), I was really very excited and happy that she was up to taking control of her life by taking a risk and moving to Mississippi.  And that is that with me, and nicely leads into the body of this entry.

PROLOGUE

Just an observation...but it seemed like things changed with Princess when her son asked about you being his stepdad and you asking her how her sons would react to having sisters. Without knowing what happened...wondered if the idea of marriage or living together made her put on the brakes and walk away.

As for Nebraska...well, I can't comment really because I've never understood. Never a couple yet your posts seem like you were so if you were never together, where would the faith and devotion have come in to play??? (shrugs shoulders).

I got a comment that in its summarized observation of recent journal entries noted that Princess began to change once her younger son’s began to think of a future as my stepsons.  The comment also mentioned that though I spoke of Nebraska as a special person in my life, we were never a couple, and that our relationship was more confusing for them to follow, so where would “faith and devotion” have come into play?

Because I like words a little bit and occasionally with get fanciful with my writing and may sound like hyperbole on the surface.  Where would “faith and devotion” indeed come into play with such a relationship as the one Nebraska and I were muddling through.  What would either of us have to be faithful to, or have devotion for?

In team sports and sports in general, there is an appeal to deep emotions to inspire the athlete to perform at their highest level.  The movie “Friday Night Lights” contains a scene where the metaphor of “being perfect” resembles the appeal to “faith and devotion” I would make to a potential partner.  That is what a metaphor does, gives you access to a deeper understanding, a way to connect to the innerspace of the soul.  By using high conceptual (to me) abstract metaphors, I aspire to give you, the reader, a carrot of sorts to push and idea that gives a distinct flavor or understanding to what it is that I am speaking about.  So, when it comes to relationship, there are places where the lines of delineation are drawn in the sand, and others where the lines are to my being as the mountain ranges are to Earth.  By using such strong words to convey what I expect from a person in a relationship, I would hope to get that person to realize that there is certainly more than a “good f*ck” expected of them if, that is, they want to hang about with me.

Long ago, Indigo left a comment that is among those that have stayed with me throughout the years.  She said that whoever I am with will have to be “intelligent”, and in agreeing with her, I am interpreting “intelligence” more liberally than literally.  Life experience is a form of intelligence that counts with me, as well as being aware that there are more than one way to see the world.  Life isn’t binary, and the walls of stereotypes are falling by the wayside.  The future is happening each and every moment, it is here with us now.  Should adaptation to the moment fail to happen, I think that one would risk being left behind, wondering what is going on and lost.  Maybe,  they will even be alone as well.

AND WHOSOEVER LIFTS THE HAMMER...

Again in dealing with the metaphor of “Acolytes and Infidels” and comparison with the one of being perfect used in the video, I don’t believe that a person would have any problem understand how it is that I value relationships.  The point of the “tactical” section, the description of “things being thing “the things that I think that I am thinking about” is to let people know that I am on the path of Me, and that there are no serious worries or concerns.  I am well.  And this is what I could never get Nebraska to grasp.

See, the valuation of a relationship in my life is different from my PARTICIPATION in a relationship.  Having a partner does not mean an increase to my self-worth, my pleasure in  things.  The ONLY thing that a relationship can actually “do” is take the joy out of being, to make me feel other than how I would feel without this person in my life.  A lot of people talk that talk, but it is something that I have lived since the earliest days of my self-awareness.  I guess that is why I do  take and approach relationships the way that I do... because I see the world framed  by contentment, I owe it to that person to be a positive and not a negative in their lives. After all, I am happy by myself... perhaps they were happy by themselves as well?  Value-added” are the words that I use to describe what I am looking for out of a person.  Would sitting round and hoping that Nebraska deign to call me or even grace my humble existence with her physical presence got to be tiring.  Going through that kind of uncertainty is not part of my character.

My Saturday nite was reminiscent of my SNICK Saturdays in the middle of a true NPR Weekend, spent watching as much college football as I could.  I got off work at 1500, went to my apartment and sat in my rocker-lounge chair and napped.  When I woke up, it was almost 2100, Saturday was a “must work” day, I went downhill to my gym and got a good night’s worth of work in.  I posted a picture to Facebook (and yes, I DO wear the same workout clothes each time.. wanna make something of it..?  Didn’t THINK so..!) and that was that with that.  Now, what can anyone offer me that would have brought me more pleasure than that?  This is what many people fail to realize... there are sacrifices being made in relationships, some great and some small, but ALL are important.  Maybe to the outsider the importance is diminished, but to the person making the sacrifice, whether it is their role-playing figures or someone’s prized garden, who is to say that something should be or not be important to another person?  And, just as important, who would dare say to another that their priorities are misplaced?  That is what I confirmed about Nebraska... that what and how we valued things were not compatible.  It isn’t that we don’t care about or for each other, but I feared that because of this misunderstanding, that I would fall further down on her “list” as time moved on, and that I would never be what I wanted to be what I had hoped I would be to her and in her life.

THE PRINCESS DIARIES

Discounting the ethnicity and the genders of their three children, the biggest difference between them was that with Princess, I knew how she felt about me because she showed me straight away and clearly.  That is something that I never had to question, and she was there for me, at least as much as our relationship required her to be.  And in our “exit interview” she confirmed for me that I was able to return the favor.  That is why her account remains “open” because of what she put into it.

BUT... but whenever someone says we are done, that is good enough for me.  Very early, in 2011 (we met late ‘11, after the epic 1st conference game between Wisconsin and Nebraska) we had a “hiccup” that I partially wrote off to jitters brought upon by her past relationships.  And besides, she had already accrued emotional “interest” from our relationship.  And to be honest, things seemed like they were tracking along, until, as Change Is Awesome said in her comment, her youngest son’s began to really see me as a parental figure.

Now this is a murky area that many people wade through in relationships and get lost in the bog.  Whatever it was, whatever it is, that she felt, do not know.  I do not speculate on what is wrong with a person once they want to dissolve a relationship with me... I  can only control how I behave and project how I feel.  Trying to figure out the what, when and why to this kind of thing only leads to folly.  So it is not that there has been less to be upset about with what happen, and there is little contrast to how I feel towards both Princess and Nebraska.  I still care for them deeply and could easily see where we again to another shot at a loveship.

BUT... the overcoming of the “... the difference in between the things we need and the things we receive” is that the root of nearly all breakups and is certainly at the root of any cause.  That is a delicate operation and if new relationship is the gulf, then overcoming the damage done from one that ran aground...