I learned that my Aunt whom I have cited as the person who confirmed and validated me as a young teen is in hospice care and will soon no longer be among us. It was hard to swallow after hearing the news and even now, my eyes mist up. There is no doubt in my mind what she has meant to me throughout my conscious life. It is still hard for me to get around my emotions for me to think about her and what my life could have looked like without her in it, in the role that she played in shaping me as a person.
… I need to take my old laptop to be repaired. There is information that I have on there that I need to have access with... and all I did was put a new battery in it!! I have this black screen telling me that I need to either get the original disk to load whatever and some other possible solution. Grr..! I will check out the Goodwill computer store on 72nd Street near L Street. I keep getting a good vibe from there... primarily because I have reason to believe in the character of the kind of people who are working there... (right Thomas?)
...OF ACOLYTES AND INFIDELS... EITHER A TRUE BELIEVERS OR HERETIC
Looking back on the entry where I first introduced this concept, I actually got the title of it wrong! Perhaps it was fate, as I do not think that where I introduced it did the idea any justice. It is an important construct for me and goes to explain why I was originally willing to alone once I arrived in Omaha, and why my Aunt’s validation means so much to me to this very day.
See, being armed with the kind of self-confidence that was nurtured in me, I have never troubled myself with the kinds of existential crises that many people have had in their lives. There is no 14 - year old self, nor any other “self” that I wish that I could go back and talk to, other than to either reminisce over the fun we had at the time, or to shake my head at the bad idea that will be acted on. Bottom line, there are too few regrets in my life to be living constructs that further hassle my life... and that has been an all-the-time thing with me for as long as I can tell.
For those of you who have been with me over a period of time, I hope that part of the overarching message you have received from me has been to follow your dreams. At first I was going to water that down some, by saying ‘inspiration’, but among the lessons I have learned, the inspiration of my upbringing, ‘dreams’ is the more appropriate word. The reason I was hesitant is that by self-identifying as a dreamer and a believer in ideals like destiny and kismet, is to banish yourself to the outer ring of people that are taken lately by those who feel hardened by maturity and what they believe to be a greater sense of responsibility.
My starter wife was someone who I thought suffered from an egocentric approach to relationships. She never seemed to have considered that I may have had goals and a plan to reach those goals. It was a relationship that was unequal in nearly every way that matters in a partnership, as she suffered from the delusion that being a few years older and a single Mother pass unto her a wisdom and understanding that I did not and would not ever have as an African-American man. And this is why I take umbrage when a sister takes issue with my opinions on African-American women and their behaviors and role in the discord in intimate relationships.
Now the excoriation of the brother’s was done over a decade ago and I apologize for those who missed that. That era also including my own deserved flagellation for my contribution to the problem between the sexes, specifically, those between the sisters and the brothers. Additionally, the introduction of Princess was NOT out of a reaction to whatever perceived “sell out move” on my behalf. I always have and will be a “first come, first serve” cat, which is provided that I am mutually attracted to a woman, if she chooses to step this way, I am going to have at her. Princess stepped to a brother, and I, being a creature of instinct, went at her. But it was done so with the awareness that this this no different from dating an African-American... we all bleed same, and I was not under the impression that a “white girl” was any different from an African-American one.
I said that I was going to move here, not only to give the stuff that I had with Nebraska the chance to coalesce, but to also maximize the rest of my life. Because I act on the things that I am inspired by and to, to a casual observer, it may look like I am too whimsical to have any substance. And when I look at people who have obtained success, whether it seems unlikely or it feels preordained, there are certain ineffable qualities that make up for how people achieved the things that they have in their lives.
First, comes the inspiration. From prodigals to simple hard working joe’s, to have a dream and to act on it, is inseparable from the purpose of one’s being. Of the many, many quotes of Paulo Coelho, my favorite by far is, “To find one’s destiny is a man’s only obligation”. When I pictured Nebraska and I getting to know each other, I did anticipate telling her how important that she must be to me, as I had joined her with a dream of mine that existed before we even met online. I don’t think that even registered with her, at least not to the level where it changed how she handled our relationship. We could never reach an understanding of what we were, primarily because she was not as open to my approach as I had hoped. Likewise, I was not some of the things that she had assumed or believed I would be inclined to do once I arrived.
When I reflect back on what drove Princess and me apart, I am at a loss. It was a singularity, in that it came out of nowhere, which means I prolly was not looking where the train was coming from. But as I have mentioned, I accomplished, or was well on the road to accomplishing the goals I had for myself in a relationship. No regrets, no worries.
Yes, there is a part of me that misses them and while I know that Nebraska has someone in her life, I am not sure of Princess. And whether either of them do or do not (after all, how do I confirm that “she’s gotta boyfriend” without tied to someone in such a way that would involve restraining orders..?) miss me, this much is for sure, I will go on. Because it is obvious that they both were lacking the kind of faith and devotion that I require...
NEXT: Why you gotta be like that, Mark..?