Tuesday, May 14, 2013

THE PRICE OF ADMISSION

TACTICAL


I am going to take a few weeks away from studying for Algebra and try to get into better condition.  I have been running finally, embracing the hills and I look forw ard to getting myself back into rounds.


This is me at 16 or 17, and I had just won a tournament that meant a lot to me.  I don’t know how I was convinced to put on my outfit (lookit those trunks!!) and take the picture, but I am glad that I did.
My co-workers said that I look almost exactly the same when they saw this photograph , save for some graying on the fringes,
one of them remarking that they hope that they look like they did in high school when they are in their 40’s!
.  I sort of wish that I had one more picture, one that I took in third grade that shows my then-nascent apathy towards picture taking.  It was my favorite picture of myself, not just because it showed “me” but because you could really see where my girls got their looks from.




While I don’t mind repeating familiar stories (repetition saves LIVES!!), I do that I have worn out talking about my reluctance to be or take photographs.  I will take them without much complaint, in fact, people get the impression that I am quick to take pictures, or at least those who matter in my life.


KT went to the prom!  I don’t know if it was a junior prom or if she was escorted by a senior to the senior prom.  She really looks good, a real gorgeous young woman.  I am going to post both photos to the social network, and I am going to include an appeal to her sisters... she would LOVE to get to know them and as long as I am on this side of the energy equation, I am going to strive to get the girls introduced to each other.

Finally, I spent Mother’s Day with a friend, her Mom and her kids.  Keeping my focus, we all went for Ice Cream after they had their day together.  I was looking forward to meeting “the gang” and, that went over well, as did my meet with her Mom’s.  We are ONLY FRIENDS... man, I cannot stress that ENOUGH.  While we are all broken by life, there are some people who remain weak at their mended places.  And it is here that we get into the journal entry.




THE PRICE OF ADMISSION





Along with “First World Problems”, the phrase “The Price Of Admission” is another phrase that is part of the kernel of my brain computer.  And while I could substitute Princess, my starter wife, Mookie Dee, the reason that I am using Nebraska is because there is less nuance to what took place between us.


She did not want to become “the One” for me as she expected me to be certain things for her, things that she projected upon me, all the while she was not willing to meet me anywhere in between my images and hopes of what she may be, and that we may be together.


I would not have been surprised if I did not use the phrase “cost to ride this ride” as well... because when I had the feeling that there were people who felt that they could “introduce” a friend to me if I were local, and hey, you never know!  But while I would not have minded that at all, I did wonder if they minded knowing that their friend or daresay, family member, was doing things that would have had her stoned or burned at the stake a century or so ago?  Anywho, the “great offensive mind” that once was the architect of an approach that was successful, can still produce numbers, if so desired.  Thing is, it’s not.


The video that Dan Savage is speaking about the price of admission in relationships is one that  has kept me from wanting someone back again.  For Nebraska, the price of admission was too high, and I understood her actions as not wanting to pay the toll.  That we don’t talk, and it is rare for me to recieve a text message from me only confirms my observation on our relationship.  Princess, was a particularly strange case, as she still has a “positive account balance”, but again, there is no activity in her account.  A couple of vague Facebook posts is all I know of her comings and goings, and that also is the limit of my interest in maintaining a relationship with her.

Do I miss her and Nebraska?  Oh most definitely!!  It is particularly galling that Nebraska and I have gone down the route that we have, because the primary reason I kept her in my heart was that I thought that we were NOT going to have the issues that we do, and we would get along well.

See, I want to believe in “the lie”, believe in the stylized self of whomever I am with.  I used  to tell myself that part of my job as someone’s partner is to “make them the person that I think they are”, which is in line with Mr. Savage’s advice.  I know that women can crust  the heck up their underwear like men, and I also know that they fart in bed.  But I choose to see them as I do because of what I feel for them.  For Princess, it was too intense (among other things... limited by my anti-speculation policy), my passion and attraction to her... with Nebraska, she simply took for granted things she had no right to take for granted.  She did not want to see my “stylized self” as she did want me to be someone that she had imagined.  One of the “myths that I live by” is that I am upfront with as much as possible, and had she really thought to have that conversation with me, open and uncluttered by personal prejudice, we would have gotten off to a better stance.  And as far as my friend and I are concerned...

I think she likes me BUT she has issues... and I told her I can be a friend, but it will be quite some time, and I mean YEARS and not months, before we could possibly be anything more.  Yeah, sure, stuff could happen and we go skipping down the aisle hand in hand, but not really. Meanwhile, I am gearing up for a Carolina Girl summer... I think I am going to see if Lexxie can come for Labor Day... I know school will be in, but a cat can hope, can’t he??



3 comments:

mrs.missalaineus said...

sorry to hear about the algebra class.

heard it was close to 100F today in omaha, take care of yourself in the heat man,
xxalainaxx

FrankandMary said...

You wrote: man, I cannot stress that ENOUGH

Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. I get it. Really.

KT looks lovely.

The trunks. Again...haaaaaaaaaaaaa. But it was that sort of time,so....

Ken Riches said...

Hope it works out this summer...