Monday, May 20, 2013



No Tactical, at least none to speak of.  I am doing well, enjoyed low profile weekend, including a  cool NPR Sunday.  If anything, I am on the cusp of an epiphany of sorts.  Let me explain...

I was used to being alone prior to the dawn of the internet age in the 90’s.  But it did not change my social behavior, as the net was still a refuge for those who were similar  to me, a person who was on the fringes of society.  It wasn’t until ‘the Facebook’ came and took personal interactions to a new level.  Like it was for me in high school, it really has been laborious trying to navigate the social structure on the web... I mean, I still feel out of place, and it was something that Nixxie said that sparked the internal debate in my mind.

Going back to the phone call where we had a conversation about the pictures of KT and me as teenagers, she mentioned that she was going to block my feed because she was, “tired of seeing all those big white women on her Facebook”.  I laughed and we kept on with our conversation.  After we hung up, I thought to myself that I guess I do have a lot of white women on my feed and that perhaps I should seek out pages that post pictures of women of color, to show how inclusive I actually am!  And that is when like the crashing of an iceberg breaking into the sea, thoughts and emotions seemed to come apart into crystalline floes in my mind. WHY was I concerning myself with what others were thinking of me AT ALL and for ANY REASON..?

Though I can see myself continuing to blog, as it is a lot more interpersonal and I have developed great affection and relationships through blogging, I am going to wind down my “Facebooking”.  It suddenly has begun to make me feel as isolated as I felt in high school, but only on a larger and psychologically troubling scale.

It has been a small source of pride that I have my daughter’s Mother’s as my friends.  But they don’t Facebook much if at all, and neither does my oldest daughter, Skye.  And if any of the aforementioned parties DID look at the crap that I post, what are they to think of me?  Especially  my starter wife and Skye... geez..!  Still, the larger problem is what it makes me feel about myself, posting as I do and all to what end?

Walking around “think-singing” to myself, a set of lyrics from ‘Genius of Love’ struck me as a fine choice for a status update for my account.  to me, s
ocial networking is actually isolating and keeps us strangers, as we now do less interacting with other human beings.  I don’t think that I am alone in this viewpoint and that is what is the problem with socialization in the computer age.  We don’t actually ‘do’ anything with each other and it is plausible that ‘living through media’ is making things worse and the connections that are made and rooted online are as hollow and empty as the very medium through which they travel.  My personal quirks and eccentricities are not to be the fodder that gets overlooked in someone elses feed, dismissed without a second thought.  That was what high school was for!

Another factor for winding down my activity on Facebook is my “relationship status” and my friendship with Princess.  I don’t want to be the one who does the “unfriending” and that plays a small role in my decision as well.  Let her be the one to do that, I say!  Just as it did not matter to Nebraska when I unfriended her, I am sure that I am not a blip in Princess’ life anymore.  Que sera..!  I can cope with that kind of feeling but I cannot define what makes me feel lonely on Facebook.  But I do know that Nixxie’s comment struck a bell for me.  Just as I don’t watch television but I am not haughty about it, I am going to disentangle myself from the social network.  I am more than a caricature to make light of... and I think that you should have more than, “That’s a typical Mark post”, when people glaze over their feeds.  After all, I have already graduated from high school... and I left those kinds of non-relationships behind me...


Another thing that I would like to mention is that my general mood can be found in this song right here.  This is how I feel most of the time and whenever I stray a bit, I am not too far from coming back to where my mood is centered around ‘this’ feeling.

Finally, after years of wandering around in hostile and foreign places, living a life of a stranger, I have again found myself.  And this is what it sounds like:

It really feels good.

I am very glad that Ken was able to get my taxes done for me.  I have been looking through them ‘just because’, and I have not come up with the same numbers as the software program.  But just as importantly, having them done allowed me to file for my financial aid, so I don’t have that worry on my mind.  Though there may be a question of whether I get any, I have put myself in the best position that I know of to find out.

The notion of giving myself the best chance to find out, to create an opportunity for myself with regard to reaching my goal is one of the main factors to why I did not think I would be getting involved with dating again.  As it was, I had detected a trend among women as I entered my 30’s that went a lot to curb my enthusiasm for finding a partner.

Lovebabz in a recent post, expresses an opinion that I have not found expressed either in by actions or in tone by women these days, in fact, the main romantic attachments of my life in the past 10 years have failed to show these characteristics on a consistent basis.  Worse, IMO, I have had some first display the potential to be ‘in love’ only to pull back from working to actually ‘be’ in love.

I want magic.  With magic, comes passion, and passion ignites desire.  Magic went a long way  to pulling me here to Omaha to meet with Nebraska and it did the same with Princess.  Honestly, if magic was not present in one form or another, it is likely that I would still be a virgin, certainly I would not have the number of ‘notches in my bedpost’ that I have accumulated over my career.  So I feel cheered to see that a woman of the maturity level of Babz is open to making the necessary changes to allow for the magic of love to come into her life (now she needs to move about 1300 miles west to find it..!).

Wanting the ‘stuff of legends’ is the only way for someone to enter into my life.  I mean, it never escapes me that I took a huge risk in deciding to be on my own and to up and relocate to the hinterlands.  And I want someone who still believes in love and the magic that happens when it is shared.  I don’t have any truck with my ‘Western Foils’, just that our belief systems were incompatible.  What was frustrating in both relationships was that after the rush, there was an avoidable recession, avoidable because it was, I believe, consciously self- induced.


Did I mention that I am happy?  Just as Nigel was in his work, so is Mark in his.  Just keep in mind whenever you drink your cup of tea or coffee, that you are having it with Teebs and Rebekah Raff..!


FrankandMary said...

if magic was not present in one form or another, it is likely that I would still be a virgin

No posturing from you, but plenty of charisma. You are pretty good with the processes of recognition, correction, & healing.

I'm very glad you are happy.~Mary

Ken Riches said...

I am friends with work people on facebook, so am very careful about what I post. I have pulled back some from blogging and facebook, but both are still a great way to connect.

Charlie Hewston said...

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