PROOF OF CONCEPT
To be honest, proof of concept was evidenced back in 2011, when Ken was in the AO for a visit that was related to his work. I was in good spirits, living in a neat if sparse apartment. I had enrolled in Metro Community College and was muddling through diligently. It was shortly after Wisconsin had rolled the Huskers’ in their Big Ten debut season, and Princess had made her first appearance as a player in my life. Given how those two relationships were prosecuted, I think that I have also confirmed what I have asserted all along... that I was not moved by love or in the pursuit of a relationship to relocate to Omaha.
I could not be in a better situation given the life that I have led to get here. While I have felt that I was on my path before, I do not want to take my opportunity for granted. That is how I knew that finding a partner and all that was going to be a non-priority concern for me.
When I first contemplated leaving Mookie Dee and ‘the provincial town that I jogged ‘round’, it was another step in my life plan for this decade. I had confirmed that I not only was ‘handi-capable’, but that as a person, I could expect to be ‘the man we know and love’ as well (which means that my self-image would match the projected image that people would see of me). That was crucial to my hopes, as that is something that I account for in all things, but am unable to quantify.
So far, my Omaha experience has not been a disappointment. And if these were the final moments of my contentment and happiness in my life, this time would have been worth all the agonies that may yet lie ahead for me.
WHAT IS YOUR FORMULA?
Because I am a ‘journey’ kind of person philosophically, I do not think that you have to have an exact formula for success to have a fulfilling life. But I do believe that the closer you are to your own personal success, the more refined and processed your formula has to be. I also think that people who want to have some sort of evidence and confirmation that a goal has to be implicit in life, are sometimes people who miss the point. If you are going to be someone that has to have that kind of tangible vision that shows how something is going to happen, then they need to be the person for whom it has been a way that is vindicated in their own lives.
Living with both my starter wife and Mookie Dee, I felt that the problem between us was of this particular philosophical clash. You cannot be dismissive of something because it is out of the range of your vision. It was their inability to either press the edges of their imagination to conceive of, or believe in, their own ability to make their dream comes true. When I think about people who are single, it has come to me that it is fear that is at the root of their condition. They are afraid to dare, afraid to dream, to make the choice based on what they themselves feel will make them happy. They are afraid of their own flaws and limitations, of being deserving of the love that they hope for, that they think they are worthy of. Using a little wordplay with a quote of Henry Ford’s, I believe that whether you think you are deserving of love or not, either way you are likely to be correct! Having matured out of the circle where the superficial alone is the measure of ‘likability’, I have learned to be more circumspect with regard to the qualities I require in a partner.
THE ECLECTIC METHOD
No one has anything simply handed to them. Well, maybe there are a few people who have, but really, who cares about them anywho!?!
As an adult, more and more I am convinced of what elements compromises my individual formula, and that skeptics are a toxin that causes the components of my formula to break down. When I look of this experiment called, ‘my life’, I keep coming back to having chosen poorly at critical junctures involving my intimate relationships. They involved making the choice of remaining on my path or maintaining the relationship. I feel that I made the wrong choices and that because of the ‘fog’ that is created by love in my mind, I would have to abstain or at least severely devalue how crucial that having ‘someone who is that someone’ is to my maintaining my own happiness.
There is a tautology to my philosophy that appears in the motivational posters, status updates, and in the ‘prosperity gospel’ of churches and public speakers. It is also found in selfish objectivists, liberal radicals to orthodoxy and power, heroes and villains alike. But there is one aspect that gets overlooked, IMO, because it doesn’t translate into kitchsky populist sayings and evokes of a non-secular appeal. The glue that holds my philosophy together and keeps me intact spiritually, mentally and physically, is faith.
I am not just a confident person... I BELIEVE in my dreams. And it is that part of me that has had a contentious time with reconciling in relationships. From being heavyweight champion of the Nine Worlds, to being executive administration assistant to the Czar of all the Automobiles, and even to making the most of the most provincial towns ever to be jogged ‘round, believing that a goal can be accomplished, is as important as having a goal to pursue.
Getting over the ‘nothing’s easy’ part eof life is huge... and perhaps that is why I think people misunderstand my affable nature. I have understood that without hard work, I would be one unhappy camper... so I don’t mind ‘efforting’. But when it comes to relationship, finding someone to meet me halfway between two poles has been less-than-satisfying. And yet, hope... hope always springs eternal, so prepare for contradictions and detours ahead..!