...THE RELATIONSHIP THAT I WISH I HAD AT SEVENTEEN THAT I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD HAVE...
I heard that line on the NPR segment, “Story Corps” and thought it relevant to me. At seventeen, I still had fantasies of the kinds of girls, women, that I would encounter in my life. I would imagine what they would look like, what our lives would be like, and where we would go in the world together.
The particular story was about a couple who found each other in their 40’s, after bad relationships and struggles with employment, deciding to go into private investigation without any experience. Of course, they went through their trials, doing the drudge work together of going on long stakeouts in the wee hours of the morning, as well as digging through trash. “Bonding experiences,” they both agreed, saying that those “glamorous” parts of their job gave them the time with each other in which they got to really know one another.
Suffering with someone can be bonding experience. I think when you go through difficulty and continue to express your commitment to a person, when you “walk that line” so to speak, that the relationship develops roots deep in the soil of the spirits of those involved. For instance, the SFC and I have that kind of shared bond that when she called, I had no choice but to heed it, considering where I was in my life.
Life. Life tasks us all the same. It is what you make of it and my life is no different. If it looks as it is a “mess”, it is because I have made a mess of my life. If it looks amazing to some, and as fantastic as Joseph's coat, it is because I have made it that, too. The only thing that I know for certain is that it has been quite a fun ride! I have no real complaints, and only a few true regrets.
As a person who lives on the margins and in the between spaces of things, I feel that I get to spy on the nameless masses, stealing into their presence and darting out before they even notice that I was even among them. I owe a lot of my snark and even hostility to the incomprehensible lack of appreciation for the opportunity that we have here in the first world to make our lives as we imagine it. This is true for all areas of life but heck, it is a lot more fun to kvetch about love and what not!!
Today’s title became a pursuit of mine in my early 30’s. I thought of all the women that I had been with and what did I really take away from the fabled “Run ‘n Shoot” era of being Mark Johnson. Because I had mostly good personal and soulful experiences with women (with only TWO notable exceptions), my own take with relationships were always positive. I had (or should I say “have”) no reason to really worry about anything when it came to being involved with someone. But I was and always am, concerned that after the “sh*t and giggles” of getting to know one another is done and the first real crisis comes up, that a woman that I am trying to be with would behave similarly to Mookie Dee, withdraw into their shell and change their behavior. And really, I guess it comes down to how a female actually spells “team”. When life gets shook up, do they begin to think that it is all about “them” and what they presume are their all-encompassing priorities, or can they “work the problem” and achieve a solution that benefits their partner as well as their own agenda? See, as charmed as I believe my life has been, I do not think that there are many more left in my bag. That is why I wanted to be more careful in my future relationships, because I did not want to miss my “next big thing” by trying to salvage an emotionally damaged person.
I don’t feel compelled to be as accommodating with a woman who seems to have the shadows of their past clinging to them, shackling them emotionally. Though there is a time where perhaps our relationship is therapeutic for sister, it is not meant to be a substitute for or an excuse to, continually making decisions based on their negative prior experiences. It goes against the scientific method, to say nothing of my own Eclectic Method!!
Whenever I imagine my goals, I like to fashion it out of a “best case scenario” outlook. What this is, is NOT a flowery, “everything-in-its-right-place” immature view, but that I think owes more to the possibility that exists in hypothesis and making evidentiary judgments on findings and not hearsay. In thinking about what it would be like for me in Omaha alone, with no one that I could rely on in case of emergency, I made all of the possible preparations materially as well as mentally that I could. Even though I was not ready according to my calculations, I was as ready as I could have been.
For example, even with last week being a very good week for me overall, there was one night of extreme anxiety, an episode that took me back when I was with Mookie Dee and could not get to sleep at night. Trusting in my preparedness, I went through my protocols on dealing with such an emergency. And though I was able to successfully manage the situation, I did find areas where I could improve upon considering the possible consequences. And those changes to that policy have been made and implemented. It WILL NOT happen again.
Being mentally prepared for the possibility that something can go awry is not the same as being negative. From one of my “Rules To Live By”, is the statement that “...it is important to chose (men) whom we can rely and to put aside all other considerations”. I have always, ALWAYS trusted myself to do the things that need to be done, to do the things that I need to do. Last week was no exception.
It isn’t that I had to rely on myself, alone, to get me through the squall I faced. But that I had a procedure in which I could allow to work for me and have faith that it would see me through, and my procedure did what it was designed to do. It also reaffirmed how much resolve I have regarding myself and was only encouraging. Being able to look through the darkness and perceive the light is something that I place a premium on in relationships. This is an essential trait that when I find lacking in a person, I tend to shy away from them.
Recently I saw where there was a question about the attribution of the quote, “Be kind; For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. Not only is the “who said what” unimportant, so is the preciseness with which the quote is used! To me, if you cannot comprehend the “why” this quote was used with you in mind, then you are in need of having your bubble burst!!
I think that I may begin to instruct people on “how to fight” at the Fitness Club where I work. I am already working with a few folks for gratis, but I am going to discuss with my supervisor if I should charge for my service, or if I am even allowed to work with people as I have been. Anywho... I am fine and I can live in the story that I have written for myself because it matches my reality..!