Since this entry is going to be an “after action” report, I will forego the usual briefing of “how a cat is doing” and get right into it. I will say that I am sorry if I have not been out visiting blogs with the same kind of frequency as before... Anywho, lets get right into it,
THE MOON AND ANTARCTICA
At the top of the week my spirit was high. I had good visits with my MD and my therapist, and I was moving forward with the momentum that I had create with my lowered “drag coefficient”. It was not until Friday when I sat down and felt a shadow fall over me and I found myself sending a text to Nebraska that read, “I wished that you missed me”. The sentiment is one that I don’t think is particularly unique or uncommon among those who have had a highly regarded relationship end inconclusively. I am no different but I do accept that there are some things that will always fall out of the range of my understanding and I cannot let that want for an answer prevent me from moving forward. After all, the rare mention of Mookie Dee in my present life would be an example of how a lack of clarity becomes a concept that becomes actualized as concrete perception.
I think that the “sadness” is a false one... and that is why I find the Gotye song annoying (though the mix version “The Hipster International” playlist on Spotify, is to me, very listenable!). Having been a “run and shoot co-ordinator” for my twenties, I always had to wonder if I was not really courageous or daring enough to try to love a woman despite the challenges that building a relationship faces. Though I believed that I did, “Proper Practice Prevents Poor Perfomance”, or what I was taught as “the 5 P’s of Success”, said otherwise. So I hung in with the Mooks for as long as I could... and what I gathered from that experience has proven to be invaluable. It served to further validate my own sense of self and ability to manage my emotional states.
So, as I traded texts with Nebraska, I immediately asked myself after her reply, “What the heck are you doing?” (and yes, I really said “heck”). Our conversation was very brief and I hopefully bowed out of it very tactfully. I looked at the cognac on top of my refrigerator and thought, “Okay, it’s in the same place,” confirming that this was not a case of “drunk texting”. But Nebraska is connected to me in other ways as well, ways that have kept me from trying to reboot relationships once they have ran their course. I feel very comfortable in having been open, up-front, and accessible for our being able to grow as a couple. So, where other people may feel as though the other party may “owe” them something because of all that they feel were their contributions towards the growth of a relationship (both real and imagined), I don’t share in the belief. Whatever I committed in hopes of making a partnership with another person was an expense that I hold myself accountable for. The retrieval of my engagement ring from Mookie Dee notwithstanding, I don’t want for anything that a person is not willing to give, because I did not give to them because I had hopes of reciprocation, but because IT WAS WHAT I WAS WILLING TO GIVE. I have left things “on the table” only once, and because of that “one time”, I had to wonder if I was not still failing to put a full effort into my personal relationships. With Nebraska, I don’t wonder as much as I confirmed certain theorems and posits of mine. Moving on...
I don’t know what the feeling was that was being forced upon me, but I decided to go to bed and let sleep take me from it. Waking up on Saturday morning bright and early, I had my bath, got dressed and was off to Burger King to pick up a small breakie treat for my co-workers. Since my discovery of the FANTASTIC coffee that is available to Scoular employees in the employee break area, I have thought that it would be nice to have coffee and Cinnabon rolls to start of Saturday morning. This weekend, I took some oranges and apple slices for myself, but I would still go and get the rolls.
Most people I see on my rounds know me from “shining”, being happy and in good humor, with a bright and glowing visage. And in the morning is when I am at my high point... I wake up with a spring and prepared to go out into the new day with “clear eyes and love in my heart” ( cribbed from the “Friday Night Lights” movie). And because I feel this has been an “all the time” kind of thing for me, I feel that I am now playing with house money when it comes to my life... but it doesn’t mean that I want to be knowingly reckless with living it.
As with my starter wife, Mookie Dee, and yes, with Nebraska, I think that I lived in that perfect moment that is being described by Coach Taylor. My relationship with the people in my life is that I do tell the truth and that I will do whatever I can, and do so with the passion and zeal that allows me to close chapters without regret. And that is when I identified the sadness that had me ask Nebraska if she missed me (which I do not care either way) as depression trying to sneak into my mind.
After starting my week so auspiciously, things began to fall upon me. Beyond that initial episode Friday night, Saturday afternoon had more news that I would have rather not received... and I will let that be for my next entry and my discussion with Princess about the “this and that” to us.