Sunday, February 24, 2013



I wonder what it is about being stressed that make Butterfingers taste sooo good to me?


I did not check my mail the Friday before last . On that following Saturday afternoon when I got back to the apartment building where I lived from work, I found notices that informed me of the state dropping me from Medicaid and because that is how my insurance premium with Medicare got paid, I got a notice that the SSA would be taking the premium out of my earned benefit (because this ain’t my first job, dontcha know..!) thus reducing what I was getting from disability.  So from earning a little extra, I now find myself in a NEGATIVE position of about $50 a month from my original budget for the year.  

Back when I was young and there was talk of “welfare queens” and such, there was what I thought was a myth, that it was better for those who stayed on social welfare to do so than it was for them not to remain tied to it.  At the time I could not see the logic but right now, I do understand it.  Because it isn’t that I can now live above my means in a luxurious way if I did not have my rent back where it was and my insurance paid for.  It would have lessened the pressure on me to do things that would add to my quality of life.  Now I am essentially back to where I started, the gains in one area being balanced by a subtraction in another.  Frustrating to be sure, but the shock has worn nearly completely off, and I will get back to grinding away towards where it is that I am going.

On Sunday Princess dropped by for an overdue chat.  We had to clear the air between us because of recent misunderstandings and while things did not get settled completely, they did begin to move in the right direction.  But our relationship lacks the urgency that it once had, at least it does for me.  So I have to ask myself is this to be a test of my emotional maturity, to be willing to look past this “whatever” and move to whatever is next in the evolution of our “coupling”?

If, as according to Coach Taylor, being “perfect” isn’t about complete and total perfection but the knowledge that you did your very best to live up to covenant formed with another person.  And to me once broken, is a difficult bridge to repair.  It is the link from the present to the future that brings the hope and the stuff of dreams, such as faith, together.


When I have met women who have other important responsibilities other than their own fulfillment, I have to add that I am fine without their company in my life. In other words, I am fine without seeing them every night or hearing from them every moment that we are not in the same AO. I mean, I am sure that to some extent that my being here without friends or family had to with my being taken for granted... “of course, he will be ‘right there’”, the thinking may have gone.  What else is he going to do?  He has no family in Omaha and he doesn’t know anyone here, so what else can he do BUT be there when I am ready for him?”  And I also think that my initial “enthusiasm” for someone can also make it seem that I am too lovestruck to entertain the possibility finding someone else to replace me."  To that I say, dear sirs and ma'ams, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

After Princess left I had time to sit and think about whether or not I was going to stew in my apartment and risk a brewing depression striking me, or I could go out and join the Scoular folks at the ICC Bowlatorium that was not too far from my home.  And that is when I remembered why I am glad to be in Omaha.

I don’t know what anyone else considers Omaha to be as a city, but it is lively, inviting, and there is almost always something to do if you want to be social.  So if I chose to, I could have indeed sat in my apartment and let my life begin to close in on me OR I could take the opportunity to allow the lifelines available to me by fates and pull myself in.  The situation I am in is set for me to succeed as I am working in the environment that I want to be a part of when I graduate.  My primary goal is simply to stay the course.


I am going to render a quote of Georgia football head coach Mark Richt, who motivated by the cancer diagnosis of his brother, inspired his football team with the words, “...tomorrow is not promised... I need your best every day... are you giving it?”  Somewhere in the crucible of matter, the protons and neutrons of my conscious thoughts, this is definitely representative for how I go about life.  “Go hard or go home” is not a homily that I pull out to sound like I am someone who pushes himself to his limits, but it is something that I live.  That said, I am very circumspect when I am involved with people for whom, every relationship has to be measured and weighed against their sense of what is “right” for them.  Usually, they have a backdrop of failed experiences that are intertwined with their future/present that tempers their enthusiasm for living in the immediate NOW.

This tends to translate into the conflicting of blending their desires with their priorities.  And while it is understandable, given the “all the complexities in one’s life that are there to ponder”, the fact that women want one thing in dating but feel torn by their responsibilities to friends, family, their own wants in a relationship often conflicts with these factors.  Being the oldest of a single Mother, I feel that I am sensitive to these conflicts to where I am not lost by an unexpected change in the relationship, nor am I undone by a sudden detour.  Sadly, I cannot say that this is something that in my encounters that I feel has been reciprocated.

“Tomorrow dies today”, is another illogism (among the kabillion that spring to my mind) because we all come with an unknown expiration date, and I find that waiting to express how you feel soley because of an arbitrary rule or historical precedent, completely untenable.  I do think that one’s “best” is required to face each and every day.  When you are unwilling to do “your best” in any area, then what is qualified as “your best” is ALWAYS questionable.

It is simple.  There is only one time: NOW.


mrs.missalaineus said...

i like that. the only time really is now.


Ken Riches said...

Bummer about the benefits, can you appeal?

That corgi :) said...

Sorry about losing those benefits, Mark; it seems that's the way things are these days; we think we gain something, but then lose something else, so we never seem to get ahead and fall further behind. I too wonder if you can appeal?


FrankandMary said...

Speaking as a Medical Management Consultant here, you can appeal that. You should also get a social worker to help you. I would help if I lived closer, & I may still be able to. I will email you some questions. ~Mary