Sunday, October 7, 2012

THINGS THAT I THINK THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT



TACTICAL

Nice relaxed weekend winding down… had a full Saturday with my “long” day at work, a late afternoon workout, and then a dinner with Princess and her youngest for dinner.  Earlier this week she had told me that he asked if I could “spend the night” as I had not seen him or his brother for a couple of weeks, and his brother were doing a slumber party last night.  So that felt good, being able to let him get something that he wanted… me and his Mom to himself.

Early in the afternoon, Princess and both of her younger boys took me to Big Lots to purchase a new television.  It was a super impromptu thing, as I was up late and had been doing some surfing for a telly when I saw this coupon for Big Lots and a telly at a good price.  I sent her a text explaining what I hoped to do as well as why.  I emailed her the link so she could print the coupon on her fax/printer, and she responded this morning with an affirmative.

Since I normally go out of the house in shorts and tee-shirt, I decided to get “dressed”, putting on jeans and a polo-style Izod shirt for her.  And don’t you know after all that, it was HER that had came out dressed like she picked up her clothes with all the care of picking up whatever is “on top of the pile”!  After she retrieved her middle son from his slumber party, she came and we went out and picked up the television and I am like WOW!  I had forgotten how when digital television first came out how great the picture looked but man!  I still plan on losing cable and might even try to not pick it back up when Big Ten basketball starts in January and try to hold out until “March Madness”.  We will see…

JOURNALING

Though I feel that by generalizing that I keep things from being too specific about people, mainly out of my sense of fairness (I think that it is not fair to comment about someone without their being able to offer a counter-argument… I am just that way, even in my own mind!), at least without offering a contrary point of view, I am going to personalize the content even more than it has been before.

For instance, one of the things that is now more apparent to those who read this and receive my feeds on Face Book is that I am AT LEAST as experimental in my intimate life as I have hinted at in my blog.  What confirms this is not my instance, nor do I think that it is my NC-17 shares on my feed.  But I would think that my appetite is confirmed in that there are several ex-girlfriends who “have knowledge” as well as MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND, who rather LIKES THE IDEA of my “broadcasting” what goes on in the apartment in the middle of the floor.

At first I was a little taken aback.  Not because it so surprised me that she was “down” but because her “enthusiasm” in seeing the posts was not expected.  I still find it hard to say exactly what it does, but to say it does what your typical relationship therapist theorizes it would do for a couple would be very conservative.  I remember how I thought I would be getting away from that out of respect for Nebraska, much out of the reason that I generalize my issues… I would not want to be her “friend” and putting so much of her business out there because she is connected to me.  It is the same reason that I am hesitant to be “fixed up” by anyone.  As things have progressed with Princess and me, when we get to Chicago land and … anywho, I have confirmed with her that it is okay, sooo…

I had to face the, “you and your white girl” indictment recently.  Yes, Princess is white, and I know that for some that piece of information still matters, the fact that I had to deal with what I had to deal with regarding the comment, confirms THAT as a truism.  There is irony in the details about us, but I am going to keep that within us for now.  What got me about the “…your white girl” implication was that it meant I had someone who was compliant and more willing to engage me in my sexual depravity.  This could not be further from the truth.

Because there are so many smarty-pants out here, the only number I will give you is 3%.  That figure represents the number of non-black women I have been with in my life… when it comes to “white girls” the number drops to just under 2%.  This does not go into the fact that many of the “regulars” who do comment on my ravings are FORMER OBJECTS of my proclivities… since a lot of their “friends” are so not friends of mind, they can get their “retrospective freak on”, and they tend to be darker than the Princess.

Said all that to say this… yes, African-American woman are just as repressed and in desire to be “taken through the mixer” as White women are.  So the saw that “they do stuff that I would not do” is a false equivalency.  Get over it.

What the conversation did call to mind why I would rather be alone, completely, than to have some piece of a relationship with someone who has problems with how they classify things in their lives.  For many women, any excuse that makes the issue less about “them” and who they are and more about cats and their failings almost exclusively, and though I am sympathetic to the position they take, I simple do not have any sh*ts to give for what they think or feel to matter.

Having charted my course, one of the problems that I experienced frequently was the lack of commitment or participation in relationships, namely in my marriage and with Mookie Dee.  Whatever I could have been had I not gotten married to the kind of woman that I did go by the wayside, which is the cost I had to pay for my choosing so poorly.  And I got it then, got it now, and will get it in the future.  And regarding Mookie Dee, I was able to reaffirm that my path is best walked without bothering anyone that I was in a previous relationship with again.

I have found it hard to comprehend the wish for a brother who “has his sh*t together” when in both cases I can arguably make the case that I did have my “ish” together.  I was already in school, doing my boxing and flush with cash from my military career, and I making steps towards the direction I intended to go at the time.  For me, to hear a sister talk about “where are the good men” back in the early 90’s was laughable.  I am thinking, “If you had one, what would you do with him?”  But even with that thought echoing in my mind, I never held that strange coincidence against women.  I always tried to be the best that I could be when I was in a relationship.  This is something that I thought would help me if Tee Jay and I had made it back, and what I thought could have happened with Mookie Dee and myself.

I hold that many people on the merry-go-round of relationships that is ridden by exes and the same bad choices that were found on the Midway of Broken Hearts are there because they never prepare to qualify themselves for their fitness in being a good partner.  Mookie Dee was almost as sh*tty as she was when we were young.  And my self-imposed limits has never allowed me to discuss the extent of her sh*ttiness. 

One of the reasons for my positive outlook for me and a former exes is that I not only showed the kind of a**hole I could be, but that someone like Mookie Dee (which I had hoped would have been Tee Jay) was that she knew all that I could be BEYOND the f*cked up-itness I had in me as well.  Sure, it was a fine line that any ex of mine has to choose from, but I thought that just maybe the potential qualities that I showed left the hope of potential “what could have been” and would act as mitigation in my favor.
 
I did think that if Mookie Dee and me had pulled together that we would have made it through to the other side.  But as was the case, the conspiracy of mistrust and lack of faith eroded the infrastructure of our relationship.  She decided that she had to do what was best for her and her lil’ Mook, and I understand.

But I did not agree with her decision.  I did not agree with her decision at all.

3 comments:

That corgi :) said...

Glad it was a relaxed weekend, Mark,and you were able to get a new TV! I think whatever relationship you are in, it doesn't matter what color of the individual as long as you and she are happy with each other and it is what you and she want in a relationship; in those circumstances I don't think color matters.

betty

mrs.missalaineus said...

love is love mark. character is more important than color but so many refuse to look past the first and continue to misjudge the second.

xxalainaxx

GleamingFossil said...

I think that for some, "that piece matters" because you are so critical of black women in your blog and it seems very hypocritical that you can knock down, berate single black mothers, and on a bad day, speak as if ALL sistahs, especially, sistahs raising children on their own ALL have issues and are a lost cause...and the woman of your choice is a white woman.
Love is love. Just find it interesting you have so much to say about black women when you're not even in to them. Hmmmmmmm.