Monday, September 10, 2012

SO ... WHY DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION



Between being told that I was “still waiting for my first awake orgasm” and “Mark, it is about ‘supply and demand’, and what you have to supply ain’t in demand!” in high school it, I think is amazing that I came out of adolescence as balanced and considerate regarding women as I did.  I never held any “grudges” as I just KNEW that things would change and women would be the ones chasing after me.  But a lot of why that is has less to do with anything that I have to do with it as much as it does with how relationships have changed over the years. But what has not changed has been what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  For me there are certain things that are “right” for me and “wrong” for others.

Having spoken about how well I sleep as a non-custodial parent, some of what is “wrong” for me is why I find the solace that I do about my decision.  If you are someone who has had a bitter divorce/custody and you have fought the good fight to be right there for your children and battle the evil ex and the not-so-friendly Friend of the Court system, good on you!  At the same time, I do not think there is any moral superiority gained when you are dealing with a hostile/violent/irrational ex (unless you are Scott Pilgrim… and in the end, what did his sacrifice get him?) and you still have a life to pursue of your own?

Now in this use of A-I-D-A the “I” stands for “investment”.  Some of my personal convictions and character rules have survived without being edited because they work!!  I think because among the first sh*ts I did not give about the maturing and wider society was “finding a date for the prom”.  And the reason for that is, I was SO RIGHT about what I thought watching Phil Donahue over summer breaks!! Being an “okay looking kid” and after my Aunt affirmed that way of thinking, I just kept doing what I do.

The world owes you absolutely nothing and everything.  You sit around b*tchin’ about whatever that did not go your way with your friends and other hapless sad sacks losers, you gets the “nothing” part of that phrase.  As far as the other part of it… the “everything” part, let’s apply what I am spewing in context, please. 

My starter wife is a horrible person and Mookie Dee an amoral c*mbag, but hey, it is what it is.  So I got my quota of one crappy relationship and one “ex-list” relationship to scratch off the bucket list.  Now whenever I have someone’s “attention”, the next important thing for me was to determine how invested someone was in as far as our relationship was concerned.  Having covered the “why should I feel that bad when she cost me MY young athletic prime” and other crucial fail traits in my marriage, with Mookie Dee, I hope to use that relationship as a lesson in when someone who was “there” in the good times, decides to “cut bait” when things get rough.

Running back into Mookie Dee was as a result of having business in her town shortly after I decided to date an ex.  I was working, doing quite okay, and she was suitably impressed.  Before we got to become a live-in couple, she got to be introduced to my Skye and KT while I was in the Motor, and I explained to her how I was handling being a Father and balancing my life.  My time in her home and in her life was spent doing all that I could as far as emotional support and when it comes to material support…

I mention that I had a decent paying job.  I also had a decent 401K and I had a decent savings account.  That I left the “provincial town that I once jogged round” with absolutely NONE of that goes to the “investment” that I made to our relationship.  Not only did I love and support her with all that I had, and not only did I contribute to the household finances in full (according to our share agreement), but I… I am a broken record regarding that.  What DID NOT happen was when I first began experiencing difficulty around the house, rather than ask me about them and have me seek attention possibly earlier, she shrugged her shoulders.   Trying to process the paperwork and advocate for my health care was something that I did on my own.  And while she was rightly concerned about our finances, one workday spent schlepping me around the Motor would have doubled the money that I had available for ‘us’.  And that was something else that did not happen.

The whole thing about me not being in a successful relationship was not because I was neither willing nor capable.  It was, and is, my intention that should I find myself with the opportunity to be in a relationship (as I am now), to be the person that I claim to be.  After all, THAT is the person that they should be attracted to. 

Additionally, if all I did was served in the military, I would have “been somewhere”.  The only two continents I have not set foot on are Africa and Antarctica. And when it concerns my travels within the lower 48… I KNEW I should have kept up with my postcard project, because I have traveled like I was on a presidential campaign.  And more than that, the places that I have wanted to see (like for instance… OMAHA) are the places that I have gone to.

So this is where the “investment” begins to really stand out… because you get the whole rundown on me in the prospectus.  With the information at hand, “written out” in black and white, like being tired of “tired black men”, I wonder what is it that my starter wife and Mookie Dee had a problem with?  Part of what made trying to go back in my past relationships to find love is that THEY THEMSELVES can verify all the promise, the potential and focus that I have.  My thing is, avoid the “known knowns”  (I still dislike your girlfriends; if I see your ex-bf around, I will beat the sh*t out of him AFTER I dislodge the taste from your tongue), as well as own my own flaws (okay, you really don’t like people, so who is this b*tch sending you a text after 2300hrs??) and the “known unknowns” as well as the “unknown unknowns” will be that much easier to manage.

Me working with my injury and riding a bike all over town to make my life is nothing.  I do this stuff with ease, balancing all of these things as well as school and my health care… so why can’t people like my ex and Mookie Dee go and do likewise.

Cause they make f*cked up decisions.  And that is not my fault.

2 comments:

♥ CG ♥ said...

In a perfect world as they say. Some tend to mature at a slower pace. Given time, hopefully, their decisions will be wiser.

FrankandMary said...

It is a good thing that I cannot warm to perfection, because neither one of us is perfect....
:-).~Mary

ps & I like it that way.