TO GET SOMEONE TO SIGN ON THE LINE THAT IS DOTTED
Thinking about some of the stuff that is IN my mind regarding my own relationship history I guess I do have a wee bit of bitterness in me towards women. I have always thought that it was benign but maybe it is not. So I am going to talk more candidly and more directly about my so-called love life.
More than allowing their daughters to visit their father, the biggest reason that Nixxie and Pecan Sandie avoid most of my ire is that we were able to discuss the path that we were all going to both in our relationship and with our parenting. And that is the end of story.
Another “ordered pair” in my love life is my starter wife and, wait for it, THE DELTA GIRL. What allows the latter to escape the majority of my wrath is something that is between me and her. Since we have talked about “that me and you”, I am not carrying the weight of what I put on her side of the “reason we broke up scale” around with me. But the legacy of my starter wife is unmistakable and so that much of it seems like it comes from the “bitter black woman” playbook that it is harder not to spare her from my rhetoric.
Whether it is because of an ingrained bitterness over their prospects (because the set of real numbers are not satisfied with wishing and pretending things were so, but for African-American women, the pickings are slim DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF… more brothers go to jail they even go, much less graduate, from college… hey, the set of real numbers ain’t havin’ that..!) or how their socialization affects their development (Lupe Fiasco raps it better than I could speak or write about it). Though the characterization stretches across ethnic boundaries, the hyper-sexualization that African-American women experience is, I think, unrivaled.
Now like I have said before, you should have been around in my late 20’s and early 30’s when I reflected on how I got to where I was at that time. I was equally as negative regarding men and their various compromises to explain why that they were not “there” in any way, shape, or form, regarding their children, and treat women with the disdain that they did. Having “co-ordinated statistical successfully approaches” towards women, it was not that I was simply saying that “you should do as I do,” as a matter of pride, but that you have to do better than what you have done because like you, I was WRONG. I was wrong about how I treated women and I am now in debt to not only these women but, more importantly, my daughters.
But where I fell I have evolved as a person in how I operate in a relationship, that growth in many ways has been found lacking in the sister girls as I have gotten older. When I blew up my relationship with Tee Jay, I knew that I had to take a clear and firm break. So I did not want to be involved with anyone on that deep level again until I had reached certain personal benchmarks. This was never due to something like an irrational and illogical distrust of the sister girls because of what some crap rap or misogynistic R&B song, but that I did not think I would meet someone who could negotiate a fair agreement to enter in a relationship with me.
Understand: I think that my sourness with my starter wife has much LESS to do with the violence she perpetuated on me. Now whether or not you like or dislike the classic marriage vows, those were the terms of our marriage we got married under. Which, I believe, (cause I still believe it now) meant there were certain things that I was supposed to provide and certain things that she is required to understand, with me as her husband and head of household as well as she as my wife and CHIEF SECOND.
KNOW YOUR ROLE
This aspect of a marital relationship is not dependent on financial considerations. I feel that if you are going to get with a cat then you better define his role in your life. What, pray tell, is his role in your life? Second, find out what role you have in HIS life. If it is not well defined (mind you, NEITHER had to be absolute… in fact, which would be a sign of wisdom and potential growth, IMO) then how do women justify the odd commitment of energy and capital they use towards their relationship that are doomed to fail? And then, they carry these scars like badges to give their poor logic something tangible to moor it in the moor and bogs of their minds.
Because I do not think that being upset at someone because they are “unaware of how they arrive at a decision” is necessarily bitterness on my part. Can you really say that there was any justification for my starter wife to do what she did..? And here I will tell you what she did.
I was a talented amateur boxer when she met me. I was already working and in school when she met me. There was also the beginning of a portfolio of stocks and a financial plan when she met me. She was earning a wee bit more money doing hair in the Motor, partly because of the poor reasoning that sister girls in the lower middle and working classes use. In my mind, all she had to do was take stock of what she was getting into and then determine if she thought that was something she wanted to be a part of. She came into my life and proceeded to disrespect my leadership, as she could not see the wisdom in where I had determined to go. Because she did not believe in me as a leader, she also undermined my authority as a husband.
So again, I ask you to help me out here. I am angry and bitter because I can provide a woman with a man who has his blueprint for life. And I can provide real world proof as well as the means to achieve the construction of what my future will look like. So I do feel that when you get with me, then I believe it is beholden upon YOU, with the uncertain and ambiguous ideas of what you want and where you are going in your life, to be able to accept that your mind is too confused and is in need of leadership to help you give you the clarity to hone in on what you want and desire, without sacrificing your needs.
Now when I spoke to the Princess (not MY Princess, but THE Princess… for us, the distinction is important) when I was essentially putting her in a corner about our relationship, I implied that she needed to come clean with whatever she was holding back NOW. And this is where I guess it may seem like there is some anger and maybe little bitterness coming out of me because, you see, I DO NOT GIVE ONE-ONE THOUSANDTHS of an f*ck about what some cat did to you before me. I could give less a da*n about all your responsibilities to whoever and to whatever the f*ck you have responsibilities for. I have no empathy to your supposed “looking out for” whatever you are supposed to be looking out for. Why? Why should I feel bad for this kind of “logical fail”?
Eh, if you want to know why I don't and hopefully, neither anyone reading this, I will get around to it. At least this entry is under 1400 words. I can deal with that!!