Thursday, September 13, 2012



Like the song “You’re So Vain”, NONE of what I write is about you.  It is, though, about a composite and as any brother can tell you, when the police are looking for a “black male, age 20-to-40, dressed casually in expensive-looking gym shoes and wearing saggy jeans, along with a professional (or college) team jacket, no matter if you just got off the bus that came from cross-town, they are looking for YOU.  What I am doing is rebutting some of the general questions and assumptions that are made when I mention that I have three daughters by three different women… and using my marriage and near-marriage as the template, the “what I wanna know is”, if women are soo tired, and their noble role in society soo beyond criticism, I would like to know what was going through the mind’s of the ex and the dweller of the provincial town (which, by definition, is a place where people see the world through a narrow lens… that fit Mookie Dee to a tee, as did her nickname, which is why she got it), if you wanted this person to be a “partner” in your life to be “together”, then what was the problem with us?  I have spoken about when my starter wife and I got involved what I was doing.  And what made sense for me to talk with someone from my past was that not only can I admit to my bullsh*t, I am more than ready to eliminate that from my character.  And knowing my work ethic and vision, why NOT give a cat like me a chance!!  After all, you are still single and you HAVE done worse than me … what have you got to lose??

Additionally, I can count “from the cast of thousands” on one hand with a couple of the missing the number of really “bad” good-byes I have had in my life.  And again, I reference my Face Book account which includes several exes, more than a pair who KNOW each other through me, and who occasionally comment on some of the mess I share on there… ALONG with the Princess… so, while I really am not bragging about “having it like that”, a cat like me, simply “has it like that”.

But here is my thing… and why that comment left me so chapped.  Other than my connection to other cats that have multiple children with multiple women, the similarity ends there.  The nobleness of endless court fights over visitation and support is so not me, which is why I fell behind when I lost my job.  Instead of fussing with my ex-wife (hers was the only case that I could not have reduced whenever my income changed from athletic career to office drone, and then from office drone to disabled) I instead managed my spending and STILL found a way to get me a decent apartment, furnish it, AND drive me a Beemer!  AND I have boxed in Monaco!!  So BLEAH!!!
Tee Jay was someone who heard my story, listened to my explanation, and decided to INVEST.  She was betting that I was more the “other cop” and neither the good or the bad Mark… that I was going to be the man that she was hoping to find and that I appeared at the time to be.  I remember when I was out of the country, not on this continent and getting it HANDED TO ME as a sparring partner and she was able to talk me down and into finishing the assignment.  Do you know how many times I have had a person who was that involved in me and my life, do something like that since I left my Mom’s home??  Yeah, THAT many!!  And since we have “spoken” about it through the social network, I guess I should tell you what happened to us…

Grief is such a powerful emotion and it is different for everyone.  I think that each episode is different to the individual and I am no different.  I had no idea of how I would respond when my Mom passed but what I do know is that whatever I went through took a toll on the relationship we had.  And I simply failed “us”.  And that is as detailed as I am going to get, other to mention that she understood and that she too, wishes that I could have leaned on her more.  But I did not and that is that with that.

One of the things that cause me to grow ill when I have heard women grumble (then mumble… so mix ‘em in a pot like gumbo!!) is the notion that I am not rooted in the same reality that they are.  As far as my understanding, there is only one observed reality and that is THIS ONE.  How you perceive it is dependent as much as the constructs that are recognized by everyone and the ones that you choose for you own slice of life.  And it would have been okay if my starter wife or Mookie Dee had EVER came up with an alternative that satisfied everyone involved, but they did not ever have one.  And that is cool, then since that is the case why not get on board and invest –

There is the right thing to do.  There is also the wrong thing to do.  But the WORST thing to do is nothing.  And if there is anything that I felt that Mookie Dee knew about me, it was that when the sh*t hits the fan that I was going to do SOMETHING.


… and if you don’t like it, leave.

I still fall back on the main reason many people who are single but yearning, even those who have survived less-than-good relationships are there because they actually suck at being people.  How else do you describe why they have so many a**holes for prospects in and out of their lives?  Could it be their deodorant??

Okay, I have admitted that the pool is littered with a lot of either “throwback” or contaminated fish for women and it is not that way for men who fish (which is not the same as saying there is no risk to the brothers… the lack of recognition of that risk is part of why I am ranting about this topic) or are in the dating pool themselves… BUT, if you as a single woman think that anything is owed to you because of “whatever”… what did Blake say, “… f*ck you, go home and play with your kids.”  Oh, and I mean that in the best possible way.

See, I have shot my dreams fooling around thinking I was going to build something with my ex-wife.  Then I thought that I could find someone to lay the proper foundation with when I started up with Mookie Dee and that was a fail.  But it is no real big deal to me, only in the context of this subject.  You want love, you are going to have to decide… decide to take the actions that you have invested in and put forth more of your attention to finding a good prospect.  Because, you see, there ARE good men out there waiting and willing to be your knight or whatever… but are you really woman enough to be their partner??

IN CLOSING (unless I feel provoked again!!)

As I set my course for Omaha, I felt comfortable with the bet that I was making.  For the most part it has paid off, as I don’t worry much about folks doing the vulture and waiting for that moment to eat me for dinner… or should I say trying to make a meal out of me.  It could have been a HUGE mess if I was wrong, but even had I been, I still would have had to hustle my way to a place that was better.  But I steadfastly believe that if you are not willing to make an investment in the structural changes that YOU need to make to attract the love you desire in your life, you will never get it.  And there are whiny men who are victims of the same kind of circular logic… the cat who called himself “Joe Blessing” was among them.  But if you find yourself in a situation where you are tired of hearing this, of saying that, and being in the situation that reminds you of another situation from another relationship… I gots nothing for you, at all. 

Each and every single one of my days are greatly appreciated and I live each one fueled by the power of intention.  I intend to be nice, thoughtful and kind… I intend to be lovable and loving… I intend to be respectful and courteous… I intend to be the thing that I want to see in this world.  But to assume that because “you don’t get it” as to why I or anyone else that you may know shows an interest in, wants to do something that does not make sense to you, is the thinking of someone who is naïve, short-sighted, and stupid.  And though this may sound harsh, the only “wisdom” that Motherhood bequeaths upon a woman is that they have a better understanding of what an “obstetrician” does.  Not to diss, but Motherhood is OJT… and do you know what else is on-the-job training?

Life.  You only get one… are you making the most of it..?


Lovebabz said... children are adopted. So the whole obstetrician thing escapes me.

If one finds themselves seemingly repeating relationships... it simply means you didn't get the lesson the first time or the other times after that. each relationship...encounter is to teach us how to get to our better selves.

And the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I am not understanding you... you seem to be harsh in some areas and delightful in others.

Forgive me the intrusion. I don't know you.

Ken Riches said...

Life, just gotta live it!