I actually have not been feeling up to snuff for the past
week-and-a-half or however long it has been since I have last posted. I finally started to feel a little better
yesterday and today I am feeling just a little better from that. Small steps forward count as much as giant
leaps does, and I am willing to move forward a little at a time and secure my
progress rather than bemoan the enduring darkness, and that I have only taken
an infinitesimal step towards the light.
But, before I get into my issues and all that, I would like to share some
good news with everyone!
If it is Saturday, it is down to TWO WEEKS before my darling
daughter (they ALL are my darling daughter’s, dontcha
know!!) KT lands on “Omaha beach” for her summer stay with her Dad. I cannot tell you how much I admire Nixxie
for allowing us to have the relationship that we have, KT and I, and it makes
me wonder why when so many couples say, “it’s about the kids”, it isn’t?
We are pretty okay friends, Nixxie and I, and she generally
shares happenings with the people in her life that I have met and was close to
when I was in Carolina. Her youngest nephew, “Newt” (a moniker she gave him because when he was small, she thought
he resembled a newt! Gotta love family!!). He struggled through his entire academic
career and now that he has made it, I think he is considering a career in the
military. I will speak in-depth on what
I think of service to the country through the military and why it is so
different from when I went in nearly 30 (!!!)
years ago.
“Flat Ruthie” has made her way to Omaha and I aim to take
her around town and show her what makes Omaha such a wonderful place to
live. There is a big art festival
downtown, where Nebraska is a volunteer, and we
will take pictures there as well. I hope
that no one minds if she stays for a bit, because I definitely would like to
share my time with KT with her!
IT’S BEEN SO MANY MILES AND SO
LONG SINCE I’VE MET YOU, DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’LL FIND WHEN I GET TO YOU, BUT
SUDDENLY NOW, I KNOW WHERE I BELONG, IT’S MANY HUNDRED MILES AND IT WON’T BE
LONG
One of the things that I decided to do was to cancel the
away trip to the amusement park in Iowa.
It is just too ambitious as well as superfluous to the reason KT is
coming west to see me. Being concerned
about making the arrangements and the possibilities of what could go wrong if
going out of town was too much for me had begun to be a weight on my shoulders
that was breaking me down. Much of what
caused the rise to my anxieties was centered on that, as well as being
generally concerned about having a good visit with my daughter. Being able to talk things out with my
therapist helped things a great deal.
Another tripwire was my not being able to find one of my prescriptions
that I need to take. The bottle which
contained my Losatan went empty and when I asked my pharmacist to see if I
could get a refill, she informed me that her computer showed that I should have
at least six more weeks at home. I could
not imagine where the pills were and then later that same day, I would lose my
cell phone on just before I made it home from grocery shopping, as the point
before I entered the bus to bring me near to my apartment, I had thought to
text Nebraska to ask her if she would be as kind
to come and ferry me home from the Wal-Mart on 72nd. Fortunately, I realized straight away it was
missing after I set my groceries down, I went back out and did the cursory
retracing of my route from the bus stop to my building, then came in and
canceled the phone.
My apartment is officially a mess because I think that I am
looking for something but I do not quite know what it is. At one point I did because I can see the “trail”
that the thoughts created, but I am looking at a pile of stuff on my little
love seat and I still cannot figure out why I put all the different papers and
junk over there. In fact, staring at the
mess looks like the entrails of my consciousness, something that once had
meaning but is slowly vaporizing into the air.
This week I have managed to push myself to the gym 5
afternoon/evenings. I have been going
later not because I am sleeping in, but because when I get up, that is all I
can do. I will get up, take my scripts
and I eat a little breakie, and then I come to a complete STOP. Since I would be fully conscious, it bothered
me that seemed to be unable to generate the momentum to sling me around and out
of the orbit of “whatever” and continue on my way. And even working out has not been able to
spring me out of this mood, as it takes me as much as twice as long to do my
workouts than usual. The natural
endorphin rush that usually accompanies exercise has not been able to bring me
out of this state that I am in. In fact,
exercise almost seems to aggravate my current mood.
I find myself preoccupied with the idea that I have
over-extended myself and that being here alone is too much. The header, lyrics from the cover of Vashti
Bunyan’s “Train Song” by Feist and Ben Gibbard (heard first via Danielle’sblog), recalls the darker side to “the Nebraska Concept”, and somehow my mind
has been preoccupied with all that could go wrong even as things are going well
for me.
For instance, while I miss the closeness that I had
anticipated for Nebraska and me, I find that I
am not “missing” it. As she had often (enough) pointed out, we were never ANYTHING to each
other, so there was nothing for me to have “missed” between us, making whatever
this feeling that has come over me, a falsehood. In fact, we are taking steps towards becoming
friends, with me joining her and her co-worker as THEY run in the Warrior Dash
taking place in Louisville, Nebraska
tomorrow. While I would have loved to
get dirty and have fun in taking part of the run, I am also fully comfortable
in staying clean and watching her and her friend do all that for me!
Going down to the gym to watch “television” has been another
source of inventive fun for me, though that is only part of why I have been
training in the evenings. And my being “alone
and not lonely” attitude is still in place, still as solid as ever. In fact, I am actually quite glad that I am
left to my own devices to find my own way out of my “dark wood”, and while my
confidence is high in my ability to do so (you should
always assume what always has happened will continue to happen… law of
spiritual inertia!) without much in the way of direct assistance, to
have a “Virgil” to accompany me along the way, well, it would be nice!!
4 comments:
You did the right thing moving to Omaha and should not question that. I am excited to hear about your summer!
I do look forward to reading/hearing about Flat Ruthie's adventures and I think you can keep her as long as you want; there's no limits on that. Did you ever find the Losartan? I wonder if you can get a visiting nurse or someone to come in and set up a pill container with all your pills so something like this doesn't happen in the future? Just a thought.
How exciting it is so close to the time with your visit with KT. I think it is wise to keep all your adventures in familiar terrorities for you!
betty
i think it will be good for you and kt to have this time together.
sorry about your phone- that sucks!
love the inferno pic
xxalainaxx
Hey Mark...I do the same thing. I let things just "sit" there in my brain until they grow out of proportion.
I'm glad to see your next post there was more positive. You don't need me to say it, but keep your head up!
My dad always used to tell me, "No matter how dark the night seems, the sun will always come up in the morning."
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