Thursday, May 31, 2012

A LITTLE CLUTTER IS TO BE EXPECTED WHEN I TRY TO PUT THINGS IN THEIR RIGHT PLACE


DRUNK

Though I am hardly a teetotaler, to say that I am a “drinker” is an overstatement of the case.  I did have a Guinness for Guinness, and I do think that I had a beer with Nebraska last year both for my birthday and during the Wisconsin-Nebraska game last year.  I finally found a beer that I actually liked when work brought Ken out this way, and the only other time that I can think it was remotely possible that I had a beer was a dinner with the Maybe Miss.  But I still get drunk, just not off of alcohol.  I get drunk; I get high, off of life and that is for real, and not for play.

Heading into last weekend, a cat like Mark was feeling quite irie.  The weather was great, the air was vibrant, and I was actually a part of the vibrancy!  That was why I took the pictures that I did, because I wanted to somehow snatch a piece of life that mattered to me at those moments and share them with…

Understanding how it is when people find themselves at a party “where they can go and find someone who really loves them”, or just out and enjoying life as it is, but wanting a bit of what they desire to be a part of it, that happened Friday and Saturday to me.  When I came home, tanned and filled with the pleasures of my day, I made inappropriate contact with Nebraska, inviting her over for what would be “one for the road”, I am guessing.  She, sensibly declined, pointing out that I was otherwise involved in a relationship.  So that was that with that.

IRONY CORNER

Did you know that I still do not actually have a girlfriend/partner thingy?  That is the primary reason the Maybe Miss is still a “maybe”.  There is a story to why this is, but I can only explain why it makes sense for me to be committed.

When I first met Nebraska via the internet over eleven years ago (!), in explaining how it was that I felt for her the way that I did, I told her that I felt that I did better if I can say that I am emotionally attached to another person.  It is not about needing to be “in” something out of a sense of identity.  I actually feel that I do a HECK of a lot better by myself.  But there is this part of me, the empathetic system of my total consciousness that picks up on emotions, and because it works in the abstract, when things form a picture for it, I feel persuaded to act upon those feelings.

Some of the same things that I have shared with you about my admiration the famous Henry Doorly Zoo (which I think has been fittingly saved for me and KT) and Johnny Rodgers going up the sideline against Oklahoma among them, they all came together when we met online.  Then there were other things that seemed to confirm that not only was Omaha the place for me, but that maybe, just maybe…

Though it is lost to memory, I think that something similar to what happened when the SFC popped into my life occurred when I decided to engage Mookie Dee and pursuit that reality at the time, instead of one between Nebraska and I.  But for me, the upshot of it was that while I tilt at windmills, it is not done without the subconscious awareness that it IS a windmill that I am facing.  At the end of the day, it will still turn as it did before I came along.
When I would speak to Nebraska after our initial meet in ’08, I would reminder her that as long as she treated me and my feelings with respect, we would have a good relationship.  At the time, there were other factors that were involved, but the rule did not change.  Treat me and my feelings in a respectful manner, and we would get along.  That is the “charge” for me to place a governor on my non-conformity, in character and social perspective, because if only one side has to compromise, then a relationship is as effective as one hand is clapping.  Oh, one more thing, it has to be consistent.

This was something that had always been but because of changes in me, has taken on greater urgency.  If I am not sure of you, or if there is no definition to a relationship, I am not going to allow a person within hailing distance of my life.  And with the whole “Mission Statement” that I cobbled together for my Human Relations teacher, it threw a light on the issues plaguing Nebraska and mine relationship, at least from this end.

Here is where the “irony” comes into play.  The kind of relationship that I am in now is strikingly similar to that I had imagined with Nebraska.  I am the one who is “in” something; Maybe Miss is just that.  She is still uncertain of what she wants (AFTER 39 years!!) in a relationship, and she has some issues from past relationships that she is still dealing with and healing from.  So what does all this mean?

I explained to her that I have been more fortunate in relationships and that what I know is that a person does not come into my life without there being a purpose behind it.  I never have an “opening” in my life for another person until that person appears.  I have not had to sit and wish for someone because, someone has always happened to me.  So, to the end that I am going to commit to you do NOT mean you are committed to me.  The risk involved is what it is, and something that I am willing to take.  The only thing I would ask of you is that when you become certain, one way or the other, be clear and let me know.  As long as you treat me respectfully and honestly, we should not have a problem.

This is the same kind of relationship I offered to Nebraska, with some differences in the language.  But the sentiment was the same.  And, it was in the spirit that “a brother like me is going to get mine”, I got up Sunday intent on heading out to Westroads and viewing, “The Avengers”, as “my getting mine” is about me enjoying the life that I have, and not wanting to enjoy the one that I don’t.  Yearning for things, people, or whatever is not my style. 

So being out and “getting mine” allowed for Maybe Miss to find me out enjoying my life and she was able to be a part of it.  And that was the final irony.  Now, I wonder why the word “irony” has such a murky connotation?

5 comments:

Cathy said...

Wow, haven't been in Blogville for ages. Nebraska! I remember you talking about her continually lol. Mark I've found that certain things will never have a truly "right" place in a world of categories. "Compromises" and "consistency" I agree, are vitally important items in a relationship. Well see ya on FB ;-)

Mr.Mischief said...

Thank you for having a Guinness for Guinness...I appreciate it greatly.

Ken Riches said...

Sounds like things are smoothing out a bit as you head into the summer. Hope we can connect for a beer and some chat again soon.

Have Myelin? said...

Hmmm.... I like Guinness too. =

Thomas Alice said...

There were people at our wedding reception who wouldn't dance because they couldn't dance "without a few beers in them." I can't imagine living a life that requires me to be a little numb to have a good time.

Come on, guys, man up and let it rip!