DRUNK
Though I am hardly a
teetotaler, to say that I am a “drinker” is an overstatement of the case. I did have a Guinness for Guinness, and I do
think that I had a beer with Nebraska last year both for my birthday and during
the Wisconsin-Nebraska
game last year. I finally found a beer
that I actually liked when work brought Ken out this way, and the only other
time that I can think it was remotely possible that I had a beer was a dinner
with the Maybe Miss. But I still get
drunk, just not off of alcohol. I get drunk;
I get high, off of life and that is for real, and not for play.
Heading into last weekend, a
cat like Mark was feeling quite irie.
The weather was great, the air was vibrant, and I was actually a part of
the vibrancy! That was why I took the
pictures that I did, because I wanted to somehow snatch a piece of life that
mattered to me at those moments and share them with…
Understanding how it is when
people find themselves at a party “where they can go and find someone who
really loves them”, or just out and enjoying life as it is, but wanting a bit
of what they desire to be a part of it, that happened Friday and Saturday to
me. When I came home, tanned and filled
with the pleasures of my day, I made inappropriate contact with Nebraska, inviting her over for what would be “one for
the road”, I am guessing. She, sensibly
declined, pointing out that I was otherwise involved in a relationship. So that was that with that.
IRONY CORNER
Did you know that I still do
not actually have a girlfriend/partner thingy?
That is the primary reason the Maybe Miss is still a “maybe”. There is a story to why this is, but I can
only explain why it makes sense for me to be committed.
When I first met Nebraska via the internet over eleven years ago (!), in explaining how it was that I felt for her the
way that I did, I told her that I felt that I did better if I can say that I am
emotionally attached to another person.
It is not about needing to be “in” something out of a sense of
identity. I actually feel that I do a
HECK of a lot better by myself. But
there is this part of me, the empathetic system of my total consciousness that picks
up on emotions, and because it works in the abstract, when things form a
picture for it, I feel persuaded to act upon those feelings.
Some of the same things that
I have shared with you about my admiration the famous Henry Doorly Zoo (which I think has been fittingly saved for me and KT)
and Johnny Rodgers going up the sideline against Oklahoma among them, they all
came together when we met online. Then
there were other things that seemed to confirm that not only was Omaha the
place for me, but that maybe, just maybe…
Though it is lost to memory,
I think that something similar to what happened when the SFC popped into my
life occurred when I decided to engage Mookie Dee and pursuit that reality at
the time, instead of one between Nebraska and I. But for me, the upshot of it was that while I
tilt at windmills, it is not done without the subconscious awareness that it IS
a windmill that I am facing. At the end
of the day, it will still turn as it did before I came along.
When I would speak to
Nebraska after our initial meet in ’08, I would reminder her that as long as
she treated me and my feelings with respect, we would have a good
relationship. At the time, there were
other factors that were involved, but the rule did not change. Treat me and my feelings in a respectful
manner, and we would get along. That is
the “charge” for me to place a governor on my non-conformity, in character and
social perspective, because if only one side has to compromise, then a
relationship is as effective as one hand is clapping. Oh, one more thing, it has to be consistent.
This was something that had
always been but because of changes in me, has taken on greater urgency. If I am not sure of you, or if there is no
definition to a relationship, I am not going to allow a person within hailing
distance of my life. And with the whole “Mission
Statement” that I cobbled together for my Human Relations teacher, it threw a
light on the issues plaguing Nebraska and mine
relationship, at least from this end.
Here is where the “irony”
comes into play. The kind of
relationship that I am in now is strikingly similar to that I had imagined with
Nebraska.
I am the one who is “in” something; Maybe Miss is just that. She is still uncertain of what she wants (AFTER 39 years!!) in a relationship, and she has some
issues from past relationships that she is still dealing with and healing
from. So what does all this mean?
I explained to her that I have
been more fortunate in relationships and that what I know is that a person does
not come into my life without there being a purpose behind it. I never have an “opening” in my life for
another person until that person appears.
I have not had to sit and wish for someone because, someone has always
happened to me. So, to the end that I am
going to commit to you do NOT mean you are committed to me. The risk involved is what it is, and
something that I am willing to take. The
only thing I would ask of you is that when you become certain, one way or the
other, be clear and let me know. As long
as you treat me respectfully and honestly, we should not have a problem.
This is the same kind of
relationship I offered to Nebraska, with some
differences in the language. But the
sentiment was the same. And, it was in
the spirit that “a brother like me is going to get mine”, I got up Sunday
intent on heading out to Westroads and viewing, “The Avengers”, as “my getting
mine” is about me enjoying the life that I have, and not wanting to enjoy the
one that I don’t. Yearning for things,
people, or whatever is not my style.
So being out and “getting
mine” allowed for Maybe Miss to find me out enjoying my life and she was able
to be a part of it. And that was the
final irony. Now, I wonder why the word
“irony” has such a murky connotation?
5 comments:
Wow, haven't been in Blogville for ages. Nebraska! I remember you talking about her continually lol. Mark I've found that certain things will never have a truly "right" place in a world of categories. "Compromises" and "consistency" I agree, are vitally important items in a relationship. Well see ya on FB ;-)
Thank you for having a Guinness for Guinness...I appreciate it greatly.
Sounds like things are smoothing out a bit as you head into the summer. Hope we can connect for a beer and some chat again soon.
Hmmm.... I like Guinness too. =
There were people at our wedding reception who wouldn't dance because they couldn't dance "without a few beers in them." I can't imagine living a life that requires me to be a little numb to have a good time.
Come on, guys, man up and let it rip!
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