Okay, before I start rambling, I did pass my Accelerated Algebra class and I am on to the next class and it will be for college credit. From here on out, I am going to be rollin’ wit the big dawgs! The meet with the instructor was very good and we were able to speak openly about what I am going to be up against from here on out. I told her that I am optimistic about my chances and she told me that she KNOWS that I am optimistic, but she did have her concerns about my going forward. She was wondering if I should repeat her class again, and she also worries that I may have to take the next math class at least twice as well. But I stopped and explained to her that I feel that my skills are coming back, and she countered with that was a different “Mark” and that I may still be adjusting to the new limits of my ability.
Normally I get a little bristly when a person implicates my injury as being an obstacle, but with this instructor, I could allow her some leeway, as she has her own personal point of reference to make a valid comparison. That is when I explained that what has driven me to move and live on my own, is that I have more faith in my instructors and the professionals in my life than I do of the people in my immediate family or from the 1st degree of my life. With the medical folks and other people I deal with in my life, all they have to do is their job, sort of like our relationship. Me? Well, I have to meet my end of that bargain, which is something I know that I can and will do. It may seem counter-intuitive, my living on my own, but I get to go home with the slimmest of possibility of a situation changing in my personal space. Takes 3 hours for me to do an assignment? I got the peace and quiet to do just that, not just for one night but EVERY night.
I told her that there were other interests in moving to Omaha but the exploration of those possibilities have currently been shelved. This, I told her, was the other not-so insubstantial reason for me moving out west to be alone. I could still see her worries, but I told her that I did not come here NOT to get through school and that whatever it takes for me to pass the next course, I will make it happen! I hugged her and promised to look in on her during fall term.
That is that… first year of school and I made it through! Yay Team Mark!!
FOR WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND HIGH TIDE AND I THINK I COULD RELY ON YOU
Mozzer celebrated his birthday on the 22nd and I felt like doing a post powered by another song of his but when you are feeling triumphant, why dull the moment? But in my other class, Human Relations, the instructor asked for us to have our mission statement when we met her for our final evaluation, and though I had actually let it slip my mind, I happened to be carrying my “Rules To Live By” and I fell upon words from Carl Von Clausewitz that I could pull out at a moment’s notice to briefly pontificate on in my behalf! From his essay “Principles of War”:
“The minute we begin carrying out our decision, a thousand doubts arise about the dangers which might develop if we have been seriously mistaken in our plan. A feeling of uneasiness…. Will take possession of us, and from this uneasiness to indecision, and from there to half-measures…”
I know that I put out a lot of junk and sort of wannabe-philosophical stuff in my journal, but these are words that are among the words that I do aim to actually live by. So for me to feel uneasy, particularly in a relationship, would have me review this particular rule of mine. And in the nigh-immortal words of AntonChigurgh, “If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?”
That brings me to another thing about me. The things that matter to me and the essence of my philosophy aren’t inconsequential, otherwise, why would I make “epic pronouncements” of how I think and believe? A lot of my cynicism of the Black Matriarchal Complex springs from the bizzaro logic they use regarding love and their personal relationships. Whether is taking the contaminated advice from their toxic clutch of girlfriends, or their thankless pursuit of poor excuses of men, I have thought nearly all of their troubles were from two things: 1) a lack of commitment to whatever plan to IMPROVE their lives that they had (because you would be amazed at the level of commitment to ‘schemes’ of any variety that they show) and 2) without reservation, I think that women are the crappiest friends to one another. Period.
Interpreting this principle and marrying it to its basic premise was not that difficult to do. As it relates to relationships, I have yet to fall upon a group of men sharing a narrow list of complaints about women, certainly not without their being caveats to what they say. But the relationship industry is driven by women, and their basic complaint that they cannot find a partner. In fact, Oprah Winfrey made her early talk show salt, discussing ‘why women can’t find a man’ topics, and using her own plight to further the collective desperation over ever finding a partner.
But as I said earlier, I think that women make the worst friends to each other and that causes the second rule to be broken:
“We must therefore be confident of the general measure we have adopted will produce the results that we expect… MOST IMPORTANT (emphasis mine) in this connection… to choose men (or women if you they are one!) on who we can rely and to put aside ALL OTHER CONSIDERATIONS…
I have not had reason to say it much in quite a long time, but when it comes to being uncertain, I will not act. How can I? For me to proceed into anything when I am filled with doubt and then to compound the error by thinking that a person who has demonstrated that they are unreliable, is like riding the PCH driven in the dark by a drunken, blind sailor!
While there are areas and conditions on which a person can entreat upon for slack, when it comes to a violation of “A Rule to Live By” that is where I become very dispassionate. I mean, how can I have any biases or feelings of leniency? If the rule is meant to protect me and keep me from “less than good” experiences and I ignore it, then what good is the rule?
EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE (or to any rule, ever)
Are exceptional. Period. You want to be forgiven for a violation? Take a cue from JohnCusack in “Say Anything”, do something that is friggin’ exceptional! If you are a man, quit being a douche and if you are a woman, quit being a c*nt or a b*tch!!
The reason I am not going into a lot about the exceptions is that there is not much to them. When you allow a person to violate the things you hold dear and true (which only works when you know who you are and what that person holds to be dear and true) and seeks repentance, there is only one kind of repentance to be made: complete.
Change in a person’s is not a matter of convenience; nor is it to be done at the “right” time and only in the “right” places. It is like most good habits, a thing that is happening all the time, and if the change is done all the time, it becomes a good habit!
And on a personal note: Nebraska once said to the effect that the cat who is writing in this blog is a person that she has yet to see. I feel bad for her, because my Accelerated Algebra instructor knows that cat, as do nearly everyone that I meet here in Omaha. But then, the other people who can at least “sense” the quality of person that I am, they have usually spent a bit more time around me than she has. (and yes, that was a dig!)