Tuesday, December 27, 2011



Yesterday I rode out to the Oakview Mall in West Omaha. I had not been out that far west since I have been here. The number 15 bus goes out to ‘Lakeside’ and since the mall is on the way, I decided that yesteday was the time to go see what I could see!

The weather was nice (as it is today for that matter) and the mall was packed! As much as it is an issue for me being in large throngs, particularly when I am alone, I used to be a ‘mall rat’ of sorts. I don’t think I really qualified as a ‘rat’ because I never ran with a crowd or had a ‘partner in crime’ to hang out with. I liked going into stores and looking around at the different stores and what was available. From the mattress shops to the kitchen stores, along with everything in between, I used to go in and out, taking it all in and saying to myself, “One day,” when I came across something I would want in the future.

Filled with what seemed like a million after-Christmas shoppers, either looking for sales or returning gifts, I sort of felt overwhelmed by the experience. Something that I call a ‘sensory overload’ happens and my anxiety builds to where it becomes a
Red Wings calendar for the next year to put on my door and a tee-shirt from Champs.

Dealing with a sensation that made me feel as if I was trying to walk through a scene in the movie “Inception”, a desire creep into my thoughts, one that said that I was pushing myself too far and that I should have waited until someone was willing to take me out to Oakview. But were I to have done that, I would have taken that under consideration when I first thought about taking the trip. Not to mention my move to…

I am hoping to figure out what I am going to do for the New Year beyond a few material items and hosting The Carolina Girls. One of the things I want to do is change how I shop for food and my dietary habits. It is going to be a challenge as food prices have increased to the point where I understand why obesity has consumed the country. It is ‘break even’ if not a slightly better bargain to eat off the value menu than it is to try to grocery shop. So that is another issue that I am having trouble condensing into my personal forecast for next year.

This Xtranormal video kind of exemplifies in a humorous way some of the miscommunication and misunderstanding that goes on between black men and women. What you have is a college-age couple in a discussion about their relationship. I feel that this is where the ‘shortage’ of black men occurs, not in the shortage of brothers entering college or the numbers of cats who are ‘on paper’ with the criminal courts. It shows how sister-girls have a negative preconception of what makes a good partner.

I did not have to endure the ‘toilet tortures’ that this cat and some of my contemporaries did, but the rest of it… shee-oot, I still point to that as a possible are of concern! Though looking for a ‘blinged-out homie’ or a ‘sugar daddy’ has morphed into other kinds of caricatures or idealizations of men, it seems that what rings true in this video for me simply rings true for me.


Now that I have a little momentum going my way in ‘my so-called life’, the question about whether or not a relationship will add to my life in a positive way hangs in the air. So far I have had very mixed results with the few women that I have encountered here, Nebraska included. Each time the relationship seems promising, some or the other occurs, and then something else would happen, like a call doesn’t get returned or signal gets crossed. Before you know it… *sigh*

I called this entry ‘Stakes Is High’ because that is how I feel. Being out in the mall and having reality drop beneath my feet only to rise again when my knees got weak, I thought about whether this feeling would still be rising in me had someone been available to accompany me. But then I could not think of anyone who would have availed themselves of being out with me, without seeing going to a crowed mall simply to go, as being a waste of their time.

Having suffered the kind of ridicule for not falling within the spectrum of what some women are looking for, and then feeling that my efforts were disrespected or unworthy because of it, I don’t think I am as ‘open’ as being open to a relationship may indicate. I have to wonder with all that is in play for me, if I am willing to put myself and my ideals on the line for the chance to be in a relationship? My personal history demands that I have standards of partnership that I find conducive to not just ‘loveship success’, but does not place me in the balance should things breakdown between us.



Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Finally got some snow here today, so not quite as nice as in your neck of the woods.

I think you should stick to your partnership rules, something will materialize.

Admin said...

Nice post and blog. I love to stop and gives your comment here.

Keep writing and share

LceeL said...

I still say you think too much. Just go on instinct, man. Just do it!