Thursday, December 22, 2011



It’s that time of year where the season crystallizes on widows of your life and obscures from view all the good things from the lives of those in loveless relationships, and suffering from deep loneliness.  If that isn’t enough, the wanting of affections distorts what little that they think that they are seeing clearly and are wallowing in the misery of yearning for fulfillment.  

Readers, it has been no secret that I am not someone who feels obligated to participate in the alleged revelry of this particular (or any, to be perfectly honest with you!) time of year.  I mean the meme’s and cynical jokes about gathering people who at any other time you’d step around them as though they were a heap of dog poo that springs up on a run through the park, or it they were one of the indigent street people straggling around the sidewalk, clothes disheveled and looking like that cat in a recent episode of “Bevais and Butthead”, where they tried to cash in on the ‘Twilight’ craze by getting bitten and becoming werewolves!

Shee-oot! I would try to avoid that scene whenever possible!  And almost by any means necessary, too!  Going away to the Army cemented for me that I was better off alone, me and my holiday misanthropy (said with tongue firmly implanted in cheek!)!

On my Face Book page I did take the opportunity to post a Christmas song that I thought captured the pathos faced by the lonely by Prince.  “Another Lonely Christmas” did speak to me but it did not say anything about how I was feeling or to any of what I may have been experiencing.  What it did do was take me to yet ANOTHER song that captured the feelings that I would like to talk about here and invest a little more of myself and the emotional territories that I am rolling through right now.


…but you can make me feel lonely.  I am not trying to talk from both sides on the topic of companionship.  But while I was married ‘Last Christmas’, along with this song from George and Andrew, helped me to realize specifics about me and my ‘quan’ if you will.

Part of ‘life’s complexities’ that has left me vexed have to do with the obvious contradictions in people and how they express themselves.  Talk inconsistent!  People become so superficial around this time of year that I cannot stand it!  They make like they are happy and are polite when you can recall their ‘non-Christmas’ character and you know of the rolling clouds in their souls.  I can’t stand the platitudes and fake smiles that people present, especially the phony show of kinship, spirituality, and thoughtfulness.  A gift from a girl in high school… an ‘Old Spice’ gift set from a drug store effectively ended whatever expectation I had of gifts from people, particularly someone I was in a relationship with.  It wasn’t just that I got her something nice (whatever jean jacket that was de rigeur in the 80’s) for a present, it was what the gift SAID.

From that, let’s go to last year, my first in Omaha.  Nebraska came by with cups, dishes and a griddle among her gifts and I could not have been happier!  I had off-handedly mentioned that I wanted to purchase those things and voila! She and Santa made them appear.  I can’t remember all the other useful and wanted gifts I receive, but I recall her telling me that her middle daughter thought I was going to cry, I was so happy!  And I very nearly did!!

To me, those gifts said so much more than ‘Christmas’.  They said, “Hey smurf, I really smurf you and I hope this is the start of our good smurfing together.”  Which, along with a few other exchanges we had, made the development of our relationship so frustrating.

I don’t necessarily have the same expectations of people as I do of myself, but realistically, I thought we would have gotten along much better than we have. And this is where I will talk about the imposition of less than good feelings, which is why the Wham songs got to me.

In ‘Everything She Wants’ the frustrations that are a part of trying to please someone, or in this case, pursue, when their whims are unnecessarily mystifying were personalized by my ex-wife during our marriage and Nebraska for most of the first half of the year.  In the former relationship, I felt that among the many fails that we had, not having a dedicated focus and direction left us adrift as well as rudderless.  After that lesson, I have taken great pains in my self-assessment and establishing an identity for a partnership model.  

With Nebraska, I could not even come to terms of how to discuss relations between us and the tenuousness that surrounded our relationship was tiring.  It was in the summer as I finalized my status for school that I came to the conclusion that mirrored the conclusion reached by former Gov. George Ryan of Illinois regarding the death penalty (uh, guess who just finished an analyze an argument essay on that speech??).  Something was not right and despite the original intent, something was not working as it should and there needed to be action taken.

‘Last Christmas’ sounds like how I felt with my ex-wife; and those feelings are ones where I feel that the whatever someone says to me, their implicit meanings are unsubstantiated as far as I am concerned.  And as the question begs, ‘why ponder life’s complexities when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?’  More importantly, I have to ask myself a more important question… “Am I going to let someone make me feel like this?”


Like a bottle of nitroglycerin that Curly has found, the contents of my heart are a little unstable right now.  Well, they were.  Often, it is said that a person, “Can’t put up with bullsh*t,” and don’t you just love the ones who say that they don’t?  Because it has been my experience that those are PRECISELY the people who bullsh*t the most!  They don’t realize their instability because they are delusional and can’t be honest with themselves.  

So that is what is among my thoughts this time of year.  For sure for all the ups and downs I have had, it was a good year and I can’t help but repeat how I am looking forward to 2012.  After all, according to some interpretations of the long count, it could be the last one for the planet.  Even if it isn’t, why are people willing to waste time being unhappy and settling for ‘whatever’ because it is all they know or because it feels ‘safe’?


Indigo said...

I know I'm looking forward to 2012.
I've had some major changes this year which I'd love to misplace and forget but in the end they're lessons learned.

You may be alone Mark, but your still alive and thought of all the year through by friends. Maybe I don't say it enough but I'm glad to know you here. As for the rest, all I can say is look how far this year has brought you. Life is still happening.

Merry Christmas sweet friend. (Hugs) Indy

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I share your frustration with this time of year. Actions year round speak much louder than empty words this time of year.

Anonymous said...

There is creeping disquiet going on in my village too, but the knee-hugs from little kids at the food pantry did put a dent in it.

Sometimes we have to bide our time, like good prisoners, during the holidays...but it is excellent to get all the thoughts out there. I prefer to play only a peripheral part in any of it. I hope you get to play as much of a part as you'd like.~Mary

Have Myelin? said...

On FB one of the parents posted a parody of a Christmas song for those of us at Compassionate Friends and it sang "Christmas is over, Christmas is over..." (based on a song with clover??) anyway like you I think the gift says a lot about the giver. LOL.

I would rather have a thoughtful $5.00 gift than an expensive $10K "picked up by KrisJ's ass't" type of thing.

I happen to like the smell of Old Spice but it doesn't match your Santa hat. =p

Well if you want to drive down you can have turkey and dressing with us and wallow in loneliness with me.

Have Myelin? said...

P.S. You know what my favorite song in the world is? John Berry's "Kiss me in the Car". Go youtube it. OMG, it's to dieeeeee for. Yes it is. Yes! It is! Really!

Jonthy Williams said...

I second Bucko's post.

Lovebabz said...

2012 will arrive or not. All I have is right now. And right now I am wishing you a Merry Christmas!

My the spirit of the season embrace you, shelter you and comfort you!