Thursday, January 20, 2011



I have tended to feel my most comfortable when I can pull out of the air or from others the inspiration for my imagination. The connections that come from regular, everyday contact do not come easily for me. But with most difficult propositions that I have had to face, I make my coping look easy and effortless, so that my struggles go unnoticed. While conducting a ‘boyfriend – girlfriend’ relationship on-line is beyond me (another reason for me to move to Omaha!), the connections that I make with some of my friends on-line are another matter.  Not only do I care about you guys, I can feel that affection being returned, so thanks!!

When it comes to dealing with my injury and people, as far as feeling comfortable with 'foreigners', that hasn’t always been the case. One of the more non-obvious mechanisms that I used to pick up that something was going on with me was the observation of others. Because of my own mix of hubris includes a nice portion of humility (I don’t think anything makes you as humble as being competitive in life...) as someone could catch me out of rounds and it gave me the reason to study my fitness out here in the everyday world.

Along with trying to figure out was I thought was happening with my then-world, there came a moment when I would be led by a coincidence to the path that I now traveling on. Because I think I have lived with the understanding that there would be a consequence to getting hit in the head, I am not angry that I ended up with my disability… I knew that may have been part of the price I had to pay to do something that I loved.

Indy’s entry and the quote she used by Christopher Reeve really hit close to home for me. It reaffirmed my decision to be a semi-recluse, polite enough to folks but not so much to where there is anything more than the effluvia of my true character (because who you really are always wants to spill out into the world) for a person to go on. The fix I have on what’s best for me is one that I am determined to follow and to ask me to keep track of the inconsequential meanderings of the ‘Peter Principled’ is not on my radar, charts, map or whatever allegorical word that makes sense to you, dear reader. The whole purpose of coming here was so that I could control who made up those I interact with more closely than others on a realistic, day-to-day basis.


While it isn’t like I am pre-adventure Shrek (remember, he IS an ogre, and ‘ogre-ing’ was what he did best before Donkey came into his life!) when I meet people. But there is enough drama going around judging from what happens in the tenant’s association meetings to make me want to keep my distance from my neighbors. I don’t care if they think I am cool or not, as long as they don’t interfere with what I am trying to get going. For me, the idea of being ‘in but not of’  is what I am applying in my life. My infirmity has nothing in common to those who are like me, ‘club members’ and even if we did share the same condition, it is still for them to figure out what they are capable of, not me.

‘Hating’ comes easy when you are around people without a desire or passion to do more with their lives. I don’t care why they can’t seem to reach above what they can grasp, as much I am confident that there is more for me to grab for in my life. And off into new territories I go, even when it seems counter-intuitive for me to do so. While I am STILL upset about being hit (yeah, it was an accident… but maybe it is for the best that I am not on a bike… at least not in the winter in a strange place), like Lt. Dan in ‘Forrest Gump’ (one of my FAVORITE movies) taking a plunge into the ocean and making peace with who he had to make peace with, I have made my peace with what I have had to make peace with. And I mean that. Not that anyone asked, but I believe that is what accounts for my buoyancy in life’s demanding waters, that I cannot recall even not being completely comfortable in my own skin. I can be self-deprecating and introspective… maybe, but self-loathing, never that, not me.


Getting back to the Christopher Reeve quote and how I apply it, I ask myself ‘why, Mark… why the ocean?’ Not that I ever had memories of wanting to be a pirate or a sailor, and as I reminded myself in Virinia, I still cannot swim. I simply am attracted to the serenity of blue waters and the amplitude of the water silently pressing down on you.

The same can be said of space. While I never became a geek about going out into the furthest reaches of the universes and waging war with Sith Lords and whatever. I think the appeal lies in the notion of the solitude that comes from being in space and I guess that is what they have in common, the shared allure of aloneness along with achievement. One is a universe without and the other is the universe within.

Whenever I think of or hear this song (the studio version I did recently on one of the music channels available via my cable box) I am being lifted up, slowly drifting to the ceiling where the atmosphere becomes space and wafting back down again. You know, I have never wondered if it would be ‘neat’ to meet a partner who was as into some if not nearly all, of the things I am into. I have always thought that would be an ugly mess. Instead I think that being willing to learn how to understand and show compassion that is exclusive one person, sounds more ‘right’ for me.  I guess that is what I thought I was getting into when it came to finding a partner.  I am certain that is among the qualities that I have to offer a person.

Anywho… I am feeling better. Not ‘good’, just better. I still tire far to easily and while today has started of well (I actually woke up ‘on time’ and got some things done), still have plenty of it left to go.

Thanks for reading and leaving comments. Hey, do me a favor and try to watch the new FX show ‘The Fighter’. The first episode was very promising not only in the portrayal but in the craftsmanship of the actors as well. I had wanted to talk about it… maybe I will get around to it soon.


Thomas said...

Shrek was never *really* an ogre. He looks like one, and he sometimes acts like one, but he's happiest when he's just himself, sans labels.

Donkey was just his excuse to be who he always wanted to be.

* Ashleigh * said...

Love "Staring at the Sun" by TV on the Radio. First time I played that song in college on the radio, I fell in love with it :)

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad you are feeling better. The current issue of time has an interesting series of articles on concussions and related issues.