OR IS THIS THE END OF THE BEGINNING
It is a worrisome, nettlesome group of thoughts surrounding whether or not I will ever ‘get elected and have congress’ again. But I am oddly unmoved by the prospect that my run is over and I have had as much as I am going to get. I mean, I still believe that I had enough partners for me and three or four other people, if this survey is to believed, then I have DEFINITELY had enough partners for … nope, then so of the smarter folks would be able to make a calculation, and I ain’t with that!
By being ‘inactive’ and having drummed up as much recent interest in me as Allen Iverson has from NBA teams, I am on the precipice of making a choice to be celibate and be freed from the concerns of physical intimacy. There are three reasons and they kind of build upon each other. One being that I have a lot of ‘rust’ going on and I have to consider how long, if ever, I will take to return to a level of competency. It isn’t something that I think Viagra or Cialis would be able to help me with (there is that ‘motivation’ thingy to account for… there IS a reason that I would need to find it again!).
When you read articles and books that are written to help people out with sexual issues, many of them mention emphatically that the biggest organ in the human body is the brain. As a nerdling, I somehow intuited that about me because the people I found myself attracted to usually had a trait or represented something unique to me. It took me a while to reach this conclusion, but my brain works differently that what you would assume a person making the claims that I have made regarding hooking up. The thing is about my mindless pursuits was that they were not entirely mindless.
Looking back, one of the driving factors that were always present when I looked back over the remains of my relationships is that I was left wondering what it was that I should have done. Marrying my ex-wife, dropping the ball with My Delta Girl and Tee Jay… any host of others, I wondered what it was that I could have done… what was it about me that kept fouling promising relationships up?
First thing I did was tell myself that whatever it was, it was okay because it was part of who I am. After all, I did not go out with the intent to injure women emotionally. So what WAS behind all the naked behinds?
I don’t know. I have no idea. The crevices in the valleys of my soul are dark and descend for fathoms within me. Was this an emotional issue or was this, for me, an intellectual issue dressed in pretty colors and frilly clothes?
A second issue that resurfaced in my early thirties was the sense of being an 'outsider'. When I think about the relationships that came the closest to being fulfilling, a common
denominator immediately surfaces-- the acknowledgement and early acceptance of my idosyncrasies. The folks that I mention most frequently, are not being mentioned because of 'the ooh-wee' portion of the relationship, but for the mental stimulation that I dervived from them. In reflection, I guess that having that acceptance and understanding that I felt meant the most to me. This isn't something that was noticed only through retrospect because it was an early topic of conversation in those relationships. That is why I blame myself for those fails, because it was clear that SOMEONE knew what they were getting into, too bad it wasn't ME.
Why does this seemingly adolescent concern still exist? The better question is why does it continue to crop up? The most stupid things somehow find their way out of the mouths of people and I am supposed to understand why they find what I think, what I do, the things that I believe and how I process thoughts so strange, that they are foreign? As if I am an alien (ooh... NOW I get it) trying to live among them, awkwardly accultralizing myself to THEIR ways and mores, since all we apparently share is a species.
SIDE NOTE
I don't know if it is the same for anyone else, but to me, writing is hard! When I get to it... Number Three!!
4 comments:
Celibacy makes perfect sense to take the whole issue of dating/relationship off of yourself right now.
When you meet someone who intrigues your brain and is in harmony with your soul and your values, your heart and body will get right back into gear and viagra will be unnecessary:)
We sabotage our own relationships by having a childhood where we don't have healthy role models and healthy love.
Then we mirror that unconsciously as teenagers and adults, not understanding we are used to a degree of cruelty or game playing or poor communication skills or emotional unavailability as a component of being with someone.
We cry out for love but don't pick appropriate partners, and if we DO pick someone nice, we are bored by them. The elusive or damaged 'hotties' are more intriguing.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk isn't just for women, Mark. A lot of it applies to men as well. I'd write to Natalie -- she is BRILLIANT!
I find myself thinking 90% of the world is different than me in the way they think.
Seeing the world and your behaviors/choices/feelings/sense of responsibility in it for creating, promoting and allowing effectively or not, is a process and work and you have to see the layers of human behavior and motivations.
That's work -- most people just don't care to be introspective or do that work, they just want to 'live life'.
They are non-thinkers for the most part, even the 'smart' or the 'successful' ones can be staggeringly shallow when it comes to understanding life.
Voila the difference.
You don't really want to be like them, Mark -- you just want to gradually learn to like yourself more and do the things that will bring you there emotionally and intellectually to that place.
That whole 'liking yourself' thing is an enormous undertaking. It means you have to have integrity in your words and actions -- with yourself as well as with others, consistently.
Keeping your promises to yourself matters too.
Like not being mean to yourself -- or being mean to anyone els, even when you are in pain and it feels justified.
You always are your own measuring stick for someone you can admire and respect. Period.
And more and more you avoid the people who aren't on that sort of path of evolving, who are more comfortable with drama and trauma as a modus operandii.
Then all of the others just look like aliens in their thought processes:)
And things get much clearer for you.
Just wanted to wish you a good weekend, my friend. Thanks for all your comments over at my blog.
Love,
SB
All things in time, focus on your new locale.
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