Saturday, October 30, 2010



Because it is not for me, seriously. I have never done that in my entire life, save a few half-hearted tries to see if I was missing something. That is another piece of information that has made me think that sex was not doing for me what it does for most, at least how the fables made it out to be.

When I think about the relationships that I think I missed out on, Delta Girl and Tee Jay, what I miss the most about them is how we interacted with each other, you know, how well we seemed to RELATE to each other in a relationship. The next tier is where I would put Nixxie and Pecan Sandie (though managing relations with her is akin to managing nitroglycerin), and through in the Fly Skimmie, because while we all maintain a fondness of one another (maybe the former two are influenced by our link through the children we have together, the latter being one of a long-time friendship). Many more fall into their ‘slotting in the rankings’ as either over-performing for the draft position they were chosen in or underperforming the expectations and the ‘teams need’ at the time. Needless to say my ex-wife was the ‘biggest bust’ (hey, it is a play on words because it is literally a true description of her, LOL!) of all. Mookie Dee was simply a disappointment when she got her scholarship for ‘college’ and was not surprisingly underdeveloped as a ‘pro’, moments of sheer brilliance that were otherwise blanketed by her mendacity and blandness.

Reflecting on someone that I actually miss and would hope that they do well and are enjoying their life, it comes back to the moments we had together. Sitting in a restaurant having brunch, exchanging stories about the here and now, interspersed with what led up to how things came to be, not losing ourselves in the past but using what was to shape the story is headed. Things like that is what I missed the most about people, not the facials, reverse cowgirls, or salad tossing with or without dressing.

As far as the next ‘Miss What’s Happening’? Well, today is a beautiful day out and I would not be opposed to some company on a ride somewhere. Because Omaha is challenging with all the hills, they would have to be willing to look for some sort of pleasure in going out with me on a bike, their MOTIVATION would have to be in doing something that makes me happy and comfortable in our relationship. They would have to find something in doing something that may not be in their ‘playbook’, if only to make me happy. Eventually they would be able to appreciate going for a ride. Perhaps there would be picnic lunches and road trips to ride out somewhere because it is there. Now doing THAT is what would turn me on.

Another thing about the ‘fave’ people in my heart is the level of communication that we had in our relationship. I did not have to tell them about my appreciation of ‘sloganeering’ and they could listen to me and my patois without (too) much of an eye-roll. They would try to understand me as I tried and worked at trying to understand them. My being a non-stereotypical cat and a degree off from every outline you would place me in anyway; those were relationships where we didn’t necessarily hit the ground running as much as we moved at the same cadence. There were few dull moments and each one had its own synchronicity, its own unique rhythm. What ultimately made them exceptional to me was never the sex (though I enjoyed it with each one of the women immensely, I am especially partial to each because sex was a by-product of open and honest dialogue) as much as it was the intellectual stimulation that each person brought to it.

Now, it would seem that I am making a case for my mind being the part of me that needs to be ‘fondled and caressed’ but, isn’t that the same thing that could be said for pretty much anyone? Like winning for me, the mental stimulation isn’t everything but what is what counts the most.

If I don’t like you, I can’t fuck you. Period.


Someone who doesn’t fit my type doesn’t need to be exceptionally pretty, though it helps. She doesn’t have to be into bands like the Mad Capsule Markets or have them as well as Kem on their I-Pod (but it really it helps if they are intrigued why I do). What does help is if you can do like I did when I met Nixxie and she saw a picture of Delta and former wife, and said to me, “If you like big (though I would say that Delta is more ‘country thick’ than big… the Ex is full figured) women, how did you find yourself being attracted to me?” I told her that having a preference was not to the exclusion of ‘something nice’, the intention of saying that to let her know that I think she is very special to me.

Men and women (especially women), having their lists and requirements for people has a lot to do with their own unhappiness in relationships. A phrase that sticks around when I think about why some women and their ‘lists’ fail them (Men really are motivated by looks and the poonnanny) is that they never take make the most important list of all, an inventory. What do they have to offer someone of the caliber of person that they seek, to make them choose to hang out with them? In other words, if woman were to approach me and after we began to know one another, I would be asking ‘what is my motivation?’ to want to ruin my nice clothes (back in the day when I dressed really nice in an attempt to be a dandy), through off my sleep cycle, miss my favorite telly show or do something that would domino-effect something else where my time would be more worthwhile invested? Asking that question of me, is the first and most important question I would have to ask myself. Fail in my not being able to find the proper context for ‘why’ I should be bothered with you is crucial because when you fail that, you fail pretty much everything else. What would give me the reason to play the cat-and-mouse, to put up with characteristic or activities that I don’t hold on same view of, and more importantly, to ever think of being in a vulnerable position, physically, mentally or otherwise? I like who I am and what I do very much. Just like urine only smells bad when it hits the air, I see so much of my own fail that way… I only screw up when there is someone else in my life, and by that I mean someone who is supposedly in my corner and would be behind me and my objectives. “If you like it I love it,” is what I tell people. Because what it may be for them, if it is what they want, I want them to know that I am giving them my full support and if nothing else, all the good vibes that I can spare them.

I have wondered why it does not work that way for me?


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Hope you find someone to go for a ride with :o)

mrs. miss alaineus said...

i just got ken's pun.

i always said if your heart's not in it, why bother pretending.....


BigmacInPittsburgh said...

This is the first of any of your posts that I have read,let me say I think you are a excellent writer,keep up the good work.

Solomon said...

I feel you on a lot of levels here. But the one thing I will say that sticks out for me is being willing to 'help' somebody out because that is what makes them happy even though it may be something you have never experienced before. And maybe it is a little out of the ordinary and makes you feel just a little uncomfortable at first.

I'm a pretty open kind of dude. I've been a lot of places and seen many things. Many of the things I have seen did make me uncomfortable but compared to some folks I think I have weathered my storm of a life quite well.

I'd say that as long as it didn't involve hurting anyone, or children, or poop, I would try anything once. Who knows, I might even, if not enjoy the action, at least feel comfortable indulging in the act after doing it a few times. Because for me it is as much about making sure the other person in any relationship I am in is getting their needs met as it is about my needs.

And your last question is one I ask myself almost everyday. I have spent my entire life trying to kick the very bad habit of bending over backwards for others trying to cater to their every need. (unfortunately I was the 'people pleaser' type for way too long)

You know, focusing on the other person and never even telling anyone my needs much less expecting anyone to be willing to listen to them.

I get so frustrated now because as I am always willing to help out anyone as long as they are respectful to me. But I have still found that almost everywhere I end up I still find myself getting asked for help with little or no regard for me or my needs.

I reached that "I won't fuck you if I don't like you" point a long time ago. Now I just need to find out how to weed out all the rest.

More of a "I don't need you if you don't respect me or care about my needs."

Great post. You are talking my language.

FrankandMary said...

If I don't like you,.....

I feel EXACTLY the same.
I have found, however, many other people don't let that stop them.