WHAT’S MY MOTIVATION?
Getting that can of worms opened regarding sex was harder than I originally thought. Before I go into more about a brother’s sexual personae, I want to address a comment left by an anonymous person.
If you or another poster who requested a link to a source referenced in my journal, is still waiting for that information, I am sorry that I haven’t been able to provide a link for you. There is no ‘staff’ here other than me, and I am decidedly not motivated enough to actually maintain this as anything more than a digital diary. Sometimes when I go through and tag a post, I wonder what would any of the collected posts mean to anyone who is not me you know what I am saying? Once I get into my groove here in Omaha and start back to talking with people, maybe I will find someone who can help me make more of my journal, turn it into a more professional site and make it more user-friendly.
Now there has been some flack received for the content and the nature of said content in the ‘All you ever think about’ post. Why would I put something like that out there for the world to read, especially something that is considered very personal and usually something most people would keep private? My typical defense to the more revelatory things I have written has been that we are all anonymous to one another and it is unlikely that any of us would ever cross paths. For me, that is no longer necessarily true.
I have a couple of open invitations to an area that I intend on visiting, prolly more than once or twice. There are interests beyond meeting fellow bloggers would draw me to this area of the country, similar to the reasons beyond Nebraska being a beautiful woman and her interest in me that brought me to Omaha. Why not, if I am going to be in the vicinity, not visit and make plans? With that said, is this stuff that I would want them to know?
When I spoke of the only people that I have ever had conversations with that may have been this detailed (other than those I had to help ‘convince’ that they wanted to do something they prolly had thought about doing themselves and wanted someone to ‘talk them into’ doing) I think that I would not mind them knowing what I am writing here. Sure, I can live with going to a ball game or a concert comfortable with them knowing this part of me… how else would I expect them to fix me up on a blind date! Besides, I think that this conversation is along the same lines as the open dialogue people are thinking would help teens who are coping with their life and anyone else who is in a trying situation. One of the first things said when a person takes a dramatic act without anyone knowing their state of mind, is ‘why didn’t they talk to someone?’ especially those closest to that person. I have found that a lot of people underestimate what makes a good listener and making someone feel that comfortable with taking you into that kind of confidence. I would like to think that I am good at being able to be ‘trustworthy’ and people who sit and talk with me definitely feel comfortable with sharing what is on their mind with me. Sometimes you have to have the ability to detach from your own thinking and try to empty your mind of all your preconceived notions and prejudices. I think that people close to Tyler Clementi were unable to have the kind of discussion needed for him not to be ashamed to tell them about his sexuality. Having been ‘caught’ before but not with as wide an audience as Tyler’s, I knew that I was going to have support along with the punishment that was a consequence of my behaviour, separate from what it may have said about me as a son and a person.
Additionally, I am having this conversation out here on the internet as a way of not isolating myself from 'the world'. I know that I have a tendency to do that, and it is indeed a part of my current strategy, to keep to myself. The decision to not necessarily be social (yet not antisocial) has relevance in the thoughts that are occupying my mind right now.
See, I don’t know exactly how close I want to become to anyone right now. The ‘right now’ is a qualifier, because there will be some feedback from some folks about how I should not think or talk that way. But being alone is cool. I shared a video on Facebook where a poet makes a video of her poem, ‘How To Be Alone’. There are so many activities that I feel my enjoyment of may be compromised, like trying to squeeze into a favorite shoe that is a half-size off, or a getting wear out of a nice dress that may be a little snug. You try to wear the item knowing despite knowing what it is, but being hopeful for what it may still be for you again. And I wonder how often things like painful blisters, embarrassing bulges and blown out stitches are considered when out the door you go?
THE MORE YOU ‘MISS’, ‘DE MEANOR’ YOU GET
The exact conversation I had mentioned that I should ‘look at porn’, not that ‘I need to get laid’. Since the former can add to the latter, I guess I blended them together as I did take that advice and did visit a porn site.
My relationship with porn as an adult is more like a refresher course… and the few times that it has played an active role in my life were mostly forgettable. Mookie Dee and I had a couple of DVD’s that we never watched together (and I never watched at all), and AKA went with me to one of the bookstore/peep show places in the Metro in the long ago when we might have evolved into a partnership. As far as really wanting to look at pornography as an adult, other than the early days of the ‘net when you could expect a mailbox full of it coming in with all the other spam mail, I can’t ever recall even wanting to look at porn. Usually, the introduction of pornography was designed to induce a desire for more experimental options, sexually. If something looked intriguing enough, I would add it to my bag of tricks.
If this seems a little ‘dry’, that is because in my mind, it is dealt with as a problem, a theory to either prove or disprove, when it comes to determining the limits of a woman’s sexual experience. I don’t know what IS pornography (and neither does Justice Potter Stewart) as much as what I do know what I think is depraved and inhumane. Even in saying that, other than being able to ‘deprogram and reprogram’ (which is what I think happens when missionaries go into areas where indigenous people have their own theology) people, I don’t think I can pass judgment on what people enjoy, only to say ‘it’s not for me’, leaving things at that. So it is with caution that I have simultaneously explored and expanded mine and others sexual horizons. The caution is because of the stigma that anything beyond ‘the ol’ in and out’ carries with it despite the temptation certain acts provide.
This is not to say that I have always been the most experienced or the most creative person in the bedroom. Jenny, for one, is a person who has read the book and not only seen the movie, but earned credit as a creative consultant for it! But I was not into it the last time we were together (and she was also the first person who tracked me down from the service... might have mentioned that before)… and right now, the feeling that I had with her, the feeling that is summed up literally in today’s title, was also the reason why we could not get together…
… and why whether it is looking at porn or sitting down face-to-face with the ‘new Miss What’s Happenin’ and eventually having a coffee talk a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’, the major question that I have to ask myself is, ‘what is my motivation?’. Why should I ask myself to put up with all the cajoling and the urging, and then convincing to do get someone to do something that should be simple but is always more complicated than it should be?
Is it worth it? To risk disappointment, getting sloppy and messy, left with feelings that matched the odor..? What is going to make me want to go through that crap, after I have already waded through hang-ups and bad logic to find out it was all a waste of time? I ask yet again... what is my motivation??