Tuesday, May 18, 2010

BEEN AWILE SINCE I LEFT A STRONG RHYME FOR YOU TO STEP TO

WILL CATCH UP FOR FOOD

I used to really dig into posts that I missed of some journals. Looking at some of the lines in the window, there are some that I would really like to read and since my day to day is pretty much stabilizing, there isn't going to be much for me to say.

There have been a couple of major stories in the Metro that have caught my attention. You have some cat who went on a rampage at a country music festival here and then you had a child get shot and killed in a police raid. I have not invested any time in the stories and I wonder if I am going to. Focusing on me is high on my priority list. At the barber shop and in the salons of the public bazaar's, I keep my tongue still. In fact, I rue the conversation I had Monday with a cat at the Anytime Fitness... I had been doing well with keeping' my eyes on my luggage', taking care of my business.

Can't stop thinking about Alan Rekers and his 'rentboy'... things like that is what makes the entire conservative movement in all areas of society laughable. But even in thinking about hypocrisy involved in that and other things in the media (the racial discrimination at Savannah State where you have white coaches being fired at HBCU), I don't have a whole lot to say about it, though it would make for some fascinating discussion.

What has been on my mind is a quote about fatigue and overcoming to reach your goal by Winston Churchill. "Tirelessness," Churchill says, "is what we have to show now." He was talking about the turn of the tide of WWII and how the Allies needed to pursue and defeat the Axis powers... and I am a bit worn even as I move closer to bringing a close to the affairs that I feel that ties me to Detroit. "It is like climbing a hill when there is another peak beyond...", and let me tell you that never were truer words spoken. Went to my hearing with a referee at the Friend of the Court, which was suprisingly painless only to discover that there is one more hearing to be scheduled.

Getting myself ready to start climbing that next peak... tomorrow. Maybe pushing through and getting the paperwork started today was possible but I was a worn. Going down to the Penobscot is always a stress-filled event. So I decided to hold my position and get after things tomorrow.

I don't know if anyone knows or remembers if I mentioned (because I know that I don't on either count) that I am still on the SFC's phone plan. We are still friends but I don't know how long that will last. Been trying to analyze why there are so many strong feelings attached to her until I realized that I have 'seen' her in my life, embodied by people that I have ran into.

Monday was the month ago date... April 17th is the day I few out of National Airport and out of her day to day life. I sent her a text ... 'one month down and the rest of our lives to go', the implication being that we will always be apart from each other, even with what we mean to one another. Because in my mind, it is more about what I still mean to ME. I want to believe that some of what was concieved in the mind of a little boy meant something and I only have to sharpen up the execution in my life, which is no small task. I am not alone in not making the most of my life pursuit, even if a quarter of the victimization plots I claim to be distressed by are true... I keep ending up at the point where I chose whatever that kept me involved or led me to be involved with people and things that led to my difficulty. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. That and a dollar gets you a paper. Big whoop.

I am not sure if a little bitterness wasn't in that message I sent to the SFC. Prolly was and it wasn't meant to be mean. But it was honest... the rest of our lives to go. If there is any general rule that I have adhered to, the one where I leave people alone past their or my expiry date is a good one. Talking with SD (which is another story that may never be told) and her flaking out and then that weird (because it was strange but true) dream where Tee Jay's Mom came to me and said she was in a different place and not ready for a relationship, brought a sense of relief. Too bad that it has grown super difficult to delete personal information along with you Facebook account. Not that I am worried about the government tracking me down for anti-establishment talk, more that it is one of the most blantant invasions of privacy going on. Still, I don't think I will be as active with it. Primarily because I no longer care about hearing how the twins and their drama is piling up. Just seeing their names makes my lips curl and who really cares about what minor pox has found its way into their lives? I know I don't.

And I have asked myself if I am feeling any resentment... and if I am, what is anyone going to do about it? Really, I don't think that I do. Getting to Nebraska will be more of an effort for me than anyone can imagine and if I am up and operational by November, why would I want to interrupt my momentum for anyone, much less someone who qualifies as an 'enemy of the state' according to Mark's Rules of Social Warfare (you know, that does sound like a cool name for a story or book, doesn't it?). I am not going to go, and that is going to be that with that.

5 comments:

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Almost seems that you have decided to stay in the Metro, hope that is the right choice. It think there are some awesome places that could give you the life I know you want.

Thomas said...

A friend recently quoted back to me one of my favorite lines from the film Buckaroo Banzai: "Wherever you go, there you are."

Simple, but helpful to remember.

In other news, there must be a tremendous number of self-loathing conservatives and fundamentalists. If everybody would just lighten up a little about sexuality, so much suffering could be avoided.

That corgi :) said...

I'm betting you can find a reasonable phone plan Mark, when you are ready. I think it would become awkward down the line to possibly remain on it, but what do I know??

it sounds like you are doing the right thing with concentrating on yourself and getting yourself together to climb that next peak....

I know you will do it!!

betty

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

Mark, I have not been able to read you blog lately. I thought that Detroit was a temporary move. I guess I'm lost.

Loving Annie said...

Yeah, Facebook has way too much information on it. Take care of yourself. Respect your desire for keeping people who aren't good to you out of your life. And about the bitter part ? Sometimes it's hard not to be at first. Hopefully later on, that can diminish with time.
The people with consciences live with woulda, coulda, shoulda - and then try not to repeat those actions again that gave them regrets.